Friday, February 11, 2011

Fuck Cupid

Valentine's weekend has arrived, so dust of your single red roses and chocolate candy in the heart box. I have been invited to participate in a Valentine's Day Round Robin of bloggers where we each write about this oh so special holiday and then share the links with each other. I hope you will take a moment to read some of these other fine bloggers to see what they think about Valentine's day. My post is below. It's called Fuck Cupid. Because, I'm sweet that way.

Fuck Cupid

Valentine's Day is upon us and that means it's time to come up with the most romantic and unique gesture of love to show that special someone that you really care. That is, of course, if you are actually in a relationship. If you are single, then Valentine's Day is basically a reminder that you are alone and no one loves you. It's a weird little holiday we have. If you aren't in a relationship when Valentine's Day comes around, you wish you were and if you are in a relationship on Valentine's day, then there is a butt load of pressure to do the right thing.

I remember back in college when I never dated, when February 14th would roll around I would be consumed with depression. So one year I decided that I would just sit in my dorm room and watch television and treat myself to a pizza. I called up Domino's to place my order and began my night of celebrating myself. (Masturbation.) When the pizza arrived, I opened the box to see the most disgusting thing that could be delivered to a lonely person on Valentine's Day. The pizza was shaped like a goddamn fucking heart. It was a slap in the face to me who wanted to forget that everyone I knew was out with their boyfriend or their girlfriend. On the box was scrawled "Happy Valentine's Day!" but it may as have well said, "What kind of sad loser spends Valentine's Day alone in your dorm room? You suck." I cried. I ate my pizza. I masturbated. I cried again. Happy Valentine's Day.

Years later when I was partnered and we had celebrated many Valentine's Days, we made the decision to not really acknowledge that day anymore. No more gifts or flowers or chocolates. Just dinner if we felt like it. One night we had tickets to a show so we wanted to go to our favorite Italian restaurant before. It was a Tuesday night so we were surprised to see how crowded it was. We sat down and were given the menu which was much more expensive than it was the last time we had eaten there. The menu was all prix fixe and came with a bottle of wine. "What happened? Why is it so expensive now?" we wanted to know. We were told it was Valentine's Day so they had created a special menu for us. Bull fucking shit. We didn't even know it was February 14th. We promptly left because there was no way I was going to pay twice as much for the pasta on that day than I would have on the day before. Cupid can go fuck himself.

I think most of us have a love/hate relationship with Valentine's Day. We all know it's a day that was created by Hallmark and flower companies to boost sales in a slow time of year. If you have a girlfriend, you have to make sure you get her a card, a gift, some chocolates, a diamond and some flowers. It ain't easy. So I say if you're single on Valentine's day, live it up. Be happy that you don't have all the expectations of those folks who are part of a couple. When you see that little naked Cupid baby floating by with his wings and bow and arrow, I say get your can of Raid and spray the hell out of that bitch until he chokes on fumes. Valentine's Day can suck it.

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Practical Parsimony said...

A Blog Affair link does not work, at least not for me in the several times I tried. I like the blogs you posted. Thanks.

Travelin' Mike said...

I have no love/hate relationship with it. I hate it. Period. It's a stupid holiday.

jdracecar said...

You are so funny as always, I too remember lonely Valentine's Day when I wanted to trip lovers on the streets and punch them in their kissing faces! I love the pizza part, you're the best!

Mary A. said...

Yeah -- I hate this one too. Why should I have to put out an extra bj just because it's valentine's day? And flowers are too expensive.

mrgee said...

I'm totally trying the Raid thing next time I see a fat, naked baby fly by.

Kelly said...

Hopefully you didn't masturbate after enjoying a "zinger" crust.

Holly said...

And if the Raid does not work, the little booger is so fat from all the candy he eats just get him with a fly swatter.

Noelle said...

yep I'm with Restaurant Manager. I hate it. It's rookie night for diners.
AND ALL the special arrangements flowers, ring presentation.

Staff quote "down on one knee at table ten"
staff group quote "aaawwww"
Sappy Manager quote "oh we are so flattered you picked our restaurant to propose" (insert gooey smile) "we can't wait to help you celebrate all your anniversaries" (insert same gooey smile).
We have one couple that hasn't miss their anniversary dinner here in 28 years. That is kinda cool.

I really hate it when guests want us to present 'the ring'. Who is responsible when it's lost. your server isn't your damn best man. ugh!

Happy VD!

Maryam said...

I've ALWAYS thought that it was a lame holiday. When I was in school, prefects were supposed to go through kids' bags and confiscate Valentine-y stuff- I guess they didn't really want to encourage kids our age.

Also, I think it's tacky to celebrate your love on a day when the whole world is commemorating it. You should make your partner feel special regardless of what day it is. And not just by expensive dinners and gifts.

The Jaded Waiter said...

I've lost track of how many Valentine's days I have worked but they are pretty much all the same. Amateur night. Lame. Why people insist upon dry humping this Hallmark holiday and cramming into a restaurant along with everyone else is beyond me.

lj said...

Buy strawberries and honey. And yeah, I'm single this feb. Really!!! should of thought this celibacy thing over. wink.

And hmpf!! You said the 'F' word. *Slaps your hand. Only because you made me think of the sweet pleasures of 'F'. Devours strawberry.

*Stands up shamefully
I'm single & don't share my strawberries and honey.

LadyRapunzel said...

My husband always gets me a box of chocolates...the day after Valentine's day. Because chocolate tastes that much better when it's 75% off.

Noelle said...

Chocolate on sale day after good idea!

Anon needs to read more carefully I don't think anyone wonders why the dumbest Holiday of all is packs restaurants full of rookies and amateurs ALL wanting to eat at 7:00. Prix fix menus charging twice the normal fair for the same fare is COMMON on this day and pisses regulars off.

Save your money Bitchy go out on Presidents day.

~watergirl~ said...

I'm fond of the can of raid plus lighter method for dealing with certain things...bugs...spiders...cupid...

It's all the same, to me.

Nick said...

I try to ignore that day.

Metalicious said...

I, too, am all about the chocolate. In my case, every day is Valentine's day then.

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Anonymous said...

I am a female and unless you are fiflthy rich, screw getting the flowers and candy and diamonds! Why put you and your family in the poor house just to keep the retailers happy. All holidays were created so we dummies would get sucked into spending our hard earned cash on cheap crap. Pay off your debt instead. I would not like my husband to buy me all that stuff. It's not that we are poor, we are not, but why buy into the hype!