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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Beware of Possible Robot Children

It's no new news that when I see kid in my station, my heart skips a beat, my hair stands on end and I get the heeby jeebies. Kids and I mix like oil and water. Like Tortilla Flats and good service. Like scotch and vodka. So naturally when I saw one being rolled into my station last week, my mood dropped lower than pair of old lady tits on a hot summer day in Georgia. The mother pulled the kid out of the Mega-Stroller and then said something I have never before heard someone say to me:

Where can I fold this stroller up and put it so it's not in your way?

What is this odd combination of words I am hearing? They are as foreign to me as "thank you, you were a great waiter" and "no, I don't want another margarita." Flabbergasted, I pointed to an area near the coffee maker that we use to store extra chairs. The Divine Mother placed the stroller out of my way and then set her child in the booth. She then pulled out an iPad and earphones, plugged her kid into them and carried on with her night. The child was transfixed by whatever it was that was on the screen. Not having an iPad myself, I both loathed the child and worshipped it. After thirty minutes of a perfectly behaved kid, I began to wonder if this was a real child. Perhaps it was the Messiah or a reincarnated Buddha Somebody, but those both seemed too far fetched. It was most likely a robot.

Do you remember Small Wonder? It was a television show that ran from 1985 to 1989 and it was about a robot girl named Vicki who lived with a family and they tried to pass her off as a real girl. She had an electrical panel in her back, an electric socket in her right armpit, and an RS-232 serial port under her left armpit. Could this kid at booth 15 be the latest prototype of V.I.C.I. (Voice Input Child Identicant)? After all, I never saw the mother plug the iPad into anything. I suppose it's possible that it was attached to his RS-232 serial port under his left armpit, but this being 2011, the port was probably a RT-498 which is much more compatible with Apple products. Also most RS-232 ports are found only in the female version of kid robots..

As the night progressed and the "child" remained calm, it became more and more clear that this was indeed a robot. There was only one way to find out. I needed to spill water on it to see if it short circuited. When I noticed that the mother's glass was half full (I'm an optimist, don'cha know?) I carried the pitcher of water to refill it. My plan was to "accidentally" spill some water onto the "boy" and wait for sparks and smoke and then point my finger and exclaim with glee, "A-ha! Robot!" As I filled her glass up, the iPad screen suddenly went blank. Whatever had held his rapt attention was no longer on. Immediately, the boy started crying and insisting that it start over. He threw a straight up tantrum and freaked the fuck out. His mom pushed some invisible button or waved her magic Apple wand (reminder: I don't have an iPad, so I don't know how they work) and the screen lit up again. She wiped away his tears and said, "All better, sweetie?" Maybe he was a real boy, after all.

Overall, the child was very well behaved, proving to me that not all children are the spawns of Satan and his slutty whore bride. I give credit to this mother who had the foresight to let an iPad babysit for her so she could enjoy her dinner and three glasses of White Zinfandel. When she unfolded her stroller and placed the kid back in it, she thanked me for the service and the kid waved goodbye. Cute kid, but something about the way he looked at me made me think that maybe he was robot after all. His eyes were kinda glassy and he seemed zoned out. You know, like a robot. Or maybe that's just what happens when you stare at an iPad for an hour straight. Again, I wouldn't know because I don't have one. But if I did have an iPad, the first thing I would do on it is a search for proof of robot children. And if you want to help me get one, all you have do is click here.

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zena said...

Eh, we're those old school parents that don't allow our kids electronics in restaurants, or any public place really. We actually expect our kids to converse with us and act right. Or we take them to the bathroom and spank them.

Brenda Susan said...

A most excellant and hilarious post once again! It's not that different from handing the child crayons and a blank sheet of paper...well actually it is VERY different! But still you can even make me laugh at a poor robot kid.

akwaitress said...

The way he reacted to it ending made me think of my autistic son. We don't go anywhere without some sort of device to entertain him. Right now it's an i-phone and a gameboy but we hope to get him an ipad soon.

Jasmine said...

I can relate with akwaitress, as I know from experience as well. If the child had that, you can't expect a nonverbal Autistic to converse with you, that's just not how they operate. And you can't take them into the bathroom and spank them (how cruel). Autism and other things similar to that are on the rise, and I wouldn't be surprised if he had that or something else. Also, the kid was in a stroller. I'd like to know how you expect a toddler to sit still and carry on a conversation with you. The mother probably just wanted a nice evening out, had no babysitter, and did the best she could to make the BW's serving experience pleasurable. Most people aren't that considerate.

Maria said...

Hilarious post, once again!

tagtag said...

your a credit to society sir, and an hiv peddling scrunt. I select you to be the new caboose of the human centipede. most of all, just hope your life really is as painful and sad as you make it seem. cut the shit. where do you go from here ? your not getting younger. cant wait tables forever. that acting career panning out? didnt think so. just saying. maybe spend a little less time writing and a little more time figuring out what a washed up old hag like your good self can do in his autumn years. just lookin out breh...

scroodly noodles ;:))

Anonymous said...

Tag tag please go outside and step out in front of the next bus speeding by. Or jump in front of a subway train. Thanks. By completeing these tasks your doing society a favor!!

bitchy for president!!

Mary A. said...

I spank my kids in public.

When they deserve it.

That's why they rarely deserve it.

zena said...

@Jasmine: you obviously skimmed Bitchy's post and the comments. The kid was not sitting in a stroller...that was actually a big point of the post, a mom who asked bitchy to remove the stroller. I have no problem spanking my kids (who DO NOT have any kind of special needs, therefore it's my job to teach them there are consequences to bad actions). I think you fused my comment and one following mine. Great reading skills.