Get some Bitchy Waiter in your email!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

You know when Dorothy says to Toto, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore" because she knows there is some fucked up shit going down? That happened to me at work last week. My fellow server and I were definitely over the rainbow because nothing went as usual. Customers were nice, on time, pleasant, and they tipped crazy good. The whole night I was just waiting for a house to come crashing down on my ass and for Glinda to pop out of a bubble in an over sized prom dress covered in sequins and glitter. I kept looking around for Munchkins and a yellow brick road but it turns out it was just an extremely nice night at work. Allow me to explain.

Originally, the performer had only ten reservations which meant I would be making very little money. But though some miracle, sixty more people made reservations and suddenly it looked to be a very profitable evening. Even better, they had had actually made reservations allowing us to be prepared for a busy night. Somewhere over the rainbow, for sure. The performer was great and friendly and really talented, but the customers were all so wonderful. Jiminy Crickets! Maybe because it was over a long weekend people were in a good frame of mind. They all ordered their two beverage minimums in advance making my job about 79.93% easier.

Lo had a seven-top where a very old lady had said she was paying the check. To auto-grat or not auto-grat, that is the question. A party of seven certainly allows us to do so and with a senior citizen footing the bill, you never know what the tip might be. She might hand you a shiny dime and a piece of hard candy for a tip. Her bill was $211 so Lo decided to add the tip just in case. Thirty dollars was put on the check. It was very clear. She circled the added tip and even wrote "gratuity has been added" across the check. Well either the lady had a severe case of cataracts and didn't see it or she was very generous because when we picked up her credit card receipt, she added seventy more dollars to it. "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, indeed" Joy! Rapture! Meanwhile, my tables were practically throwing twenty dollar bills at me. Another customer went up to Lo and said, "Do you know who you look like?" Lo braced herself for the answer because you never know what people are going to say. I hate when people tell me that. It's always some unattractive man with a rat nest for hair and a big ass nose like Gene Wilder, Sideshow Bob, Bilbo Baggins, Sammy Hagar, Justin Guarini or Kenny G. But Lo's answer was different. "You look just like Joan from Mad Men." Lo gushed a big ol' thank you and patted her red hair and glanced down at her ample bosom. Another table told Lo they had seen her in a show once and loved her in it and went on and on about how talented she was. Between the compliments and big tips (and big tits), Lo was floating on air. No one complimented me on my appearance or talent but I was just happy with the tips that were flowing so freely.

The customers all left very quickly after the show was over allowing us time to sip our post shift glass of wine and talk about the night. "That was weird tonight," Lo said. "It was so smooth and we made so much money. How can you blog about this night? Nothing to bitch about." I was admiring the color of the Chardonnay in my glass and thinking I could always repost some lame ass piece of shit story from last year when Lo said, "You should totally write about how we were like over the rainbow tonight!"

"What?" I asked as I poured a second serving of wine and basked in my easy money.

"You know, like we were over the rainbow in a world where everything was perfect, you know? Like that. "

So yes, Lo. That is what I did. I wrote about that one perfect night when there were no Wicked Bitches of the West or Flying Monkeys screaming for separate checks. It was a night where troubles melted like lemon drops away above the chimney tops. That's where you'll find me. Somewhere over the rainbow with a pint glass of wine and a handful of Goldfish crackers.

Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.


Mary A. said...

You know who I think you look like? Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley. Only you have curly hair.

I'm your favorite now, aren't I?

omcdurham said...

For sure, those nights do not happen often. Good work!
As far as look-alikes, for several months, I was told I looked like Taylor Hicks...a talentless grey-haired chucklehead who only got 5 minutes of fame!

KB said...

I love those nights, of course. They happen rarely but they stay in your memory. They're what keep us going. They're little tricksters.

Jake said...

Back to the shift drinks, then, are we? How long did the: we are too poor to let you have a free drink, spiel last?

Exchange Hosting Service said...

Nice post dear!

Gallo said...

AH those ruby slippers worked their magic!

Great read.