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Monday, July 11, 2011

Some People are Such Drama Queens

A few days ago, I approached a table to get their drink order. The man at the table looked pained when I asked him what beverage I could bring for him. He tilted his head to the left and put his right hand to his chest. His left hand went to his chin and he rubbed his freshly-shaven face. His face scrunched up and he squinted his eyes. He took a deep breath and then exhaled it very slowly. The man was clearly taking this decision very seriously. I understand. It's a huge decision, your choice of beverage. He gritted his teeth and kinda half smiled at me letting me know he had some type of issue that needed to be discussed. "I'm going to ask you a question and I hope you don't take offense to it," he said. "Because I mean absolutely no disrespect to you at all. And I sincerely mean that." My brain immediately started to formulate all the various questions that could spill from his lips that might hurt my super-sensitive ego.
  • Why are you a waiter?
  • Would you mind giving me a back rub?
  • Are those shoes from Payless?
  • Do you have any kind of financial planning for your retirement?
  • Are you a top or a bottom?
  • Haven't you been working here for like two years yet you say you're an actor and writer? Are you as unmotivated with your life as you appear to be? My God, boy, get a life. Don't you want a life?
  • Do you swallow?
  • Are you full regular or only half regular?
  • Don't you think that contest thing you are running is totally lame and kinda desperate?
  • What was it like having Kelly Clarkson win American Idol and leaving you in the dust?
  • When was the last time you blew your nose?
  • Why do you have Goldfish Cracker crumbs all over your face?
  • Do you have a breath mint? You might want to take it because your mouth smells like that glass of Chardonnay that you have been drinking out of plastic cup that is hidden under the shelf where you keep the extra menus.
  • Do you know your hair looks like pile of pubes that has been gathered together by squirrels to make a home for their young?
  • Didn't you review my show last year and rake me over the coals?
  • Did you work at The Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named but they fired your ass because you blogged about them?
  • Were you in my station at Tortilla Flats a few months on the night I was fired, Bilbo Baggins?
  • Do you know your shirt is navy blue and not black?
  • Can I just say how much I loved you in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?
  • Is the hot waiter working tonight?
  • When did you have corn?
I asked him what his question was and prepared myself for the shock.

He inhaled through his teeth making a hissing sound. "How fresh is the coffee?"

That's it? Why on God's green earth would he ever think I would take offense to the freshness of the coffee? Like my feelings would be hurt if he drank it and had to tell me it tasted old? It was old. It was at least four hours old. I told him that it was not as fresh as it could be and I would gladly make a new pot for him if he wanted it. He breathed a sigh of relief like a huge burden had been lifted from his hairless chest.

"Oh, could you? That would be wonderful, thank you ever so much."

I made another pot of coffee and served it. Gee, who knew fresh coffee was so important?


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9 comments:

SharleneT said...

At least you offered to make a fresh pot. I hate it when wait people say, "No. I'd have to make a fresh pot," and just leave it there. Great question roster, though. Great.

Derby Wallus said...

Un-caffeinated drama queens are probably the worst. I work with coffee all day every day and all I hear people bitch about is how not-fresh our coffee is, and other things like "Give me my coffee before I rip your head off you delusional little girl."
Ridiculous.
Well at least he didn't ask any of those other questions! :)

The Empress said...

What could have clearly turned into an uncomfortable situation ended up being no big deal. Don't you just love it when things work out that way? ...Now as for those fascinating questions you posed, please promise us that you will create a special post where you answer them all for us.

Lazidaisical said...

Oh god, I hate it when people think they're about to change the game with the shit they say and then let your ass down by saying something really boring.

You should've asked HIM some of those fantastic questions so that the encounter didn't end up so underwhelming!

Angela_Baker said...

For some people, the coffee is never fresh enough. When I worked at Dunkin Fucknuts, this one guy came in all the time asking if the coffee was fresh (which it was...I was all over the coffee because my bitch ass manager would always come waddling out like a bloated, pregnant hippo and drink a cup or two and then complain that there wasn't enough..no shit, you think?). Anyway, Fresh Coffee Guy would take a sip of the coffee that literally just left the brewer and be all "It's cold." Bullshit it's cold. If you'd rather, I can pour boiling water in your mouth and then dump a ton of beans in after it.

Noelle said...

I think I know who the DRAMA queen is. :)

Joanne said...

Sounds like my sons. The difference is they're under the age of ten. Hahaha.
I agree with Lazidaisical, so many times someone asks that question and you brace yourself to be offended, then they ask and it's something really normal to ask or even lame.

Ginger said...

okay that was really funny....
great blog
xoxo from India

Mommy Mixologist said...

My biggest pet peeve is when a waiter gives me decaf and I wanted regular coffee just because he didn't want to make another pot. HATE THAT!