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Sunday, July 31, 2011

Bonjour, French Bitch

Sometimes a blog posting is hard to come up with. I scratch my head and ponder the possibilities and every so often I draw a blank. On the other hand, every once in a while a topic drops into my lap like manna from Heaven and I don't even have to think about it. Today's posting is brought to you by the Parisian bitch who sat in my station last night. I don't know what her name is so I will refer to her as Fifi le Douche.

When people come into the club, they are given a seating pass which tells hem where they are to be seated for the show. We escort them to their seat and then expect them to stay there, but Fifi needed some super glue on her ass last night because she was hop skippin' and jumpin' all over the damn place. What the customers don't get is that it's imperative for them to stay in the seat we assign to them because our totals have to match the totals of the host so that the performer knows exactly how many people were in the audience because that is how their pay is based. The more people they have in the audience, the more they can make. When people move all the fuck around it makes it difficult to ensure that all of the totals match. Get it? Simple, right? Fifi didn't get that. I went up to table 2 to take an order and Fifi coos at me that she is not sitting here really. She is "seating over zere" but she is just visiting this table. Fine. I go to her correct table to get her seating pass to write down her order and she asks for a suavignon blanc. Because she's French, you know. Two minutes later she is walking round the room and she comes up to me to ask where her wine is. Listen, le bitch, the bartender has to fucking pour it first, chill le fuck out. She wasn't even in her seat so how am I supposed to know where to put it anyway? I took her wine to her and the show started.

Fifteen minutes later, the other server tells me that table 1 wanted a Diet Coke (Coke Light, whatever) and he took it to her. Once again Fifi shows she has not the patience to wait for her server. She accosts anyone with an apron. At the end of the show, she of course wasn't at her table. She had floated off somewhere, so I placed her check on the table and went on with my business. About thirty minutes later, she was the only one who hadn't paid her bill yet so I went to find her. She was at the front of the club parlez vous Francaisin' to someone. I handed her the bill and told her I would be back in a few minutes to pick it up. Two minutes later she comes up to me with the check and says, "Excuse me, but I need to take care of this right away because I must leave." Pardon moi, but after the check sat on your table for half a fucking hour, now you're ready to leave and you act like I'm the one who is holding you up? At this point, all I wanted to do was slap this bitch with a piece of french toast, cram a french fry up her ass and then cover her with french dressing and say au revoir. Her tip was about ten percent which is spot on for the average French tourist. Fifi le Douche did a fine job of living up to every stereotype in the book. Au revoir, Fifi le Douche. Bon Voyage. Fuck off.

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Anonymous said...

You have apparently not had the honor, yet, of observing the 'typical American tourist' in a Paris restaurant. Multiply your experience with 'Fifi' by ten times.

ChiTown Girl said...

I doubt it, Anon. There's a reason the French have the reputation they do.

Once again, Bitchy, you've reminded me of why I could NEVER do your job.

Madeline Bird said...

I found this amusing. Followed!

Robin said...

Hello Dear.

Many folks are there to see a friend performing.There is going to be people that know each other and immediately meet and greet.. Table hopping before a performance isn't unusual.

In my opinion the onus is on the establishment that you work for to come up with a better system of ticketing.

Asking grown ass adults to sit in their chairs at all times like a bunch of children is stupid and insulting.

The house needs to figure out a better system for both the servers and the patrons.

Take care, Robin

Rachel said...

Eh, Anon doesn't sound like he's been around the world so much. I've lived in East Asia, South Asia, and parts of Europe. Yes, there have been crowds of American tourists who are embarrassingly obnoxious in those places. But I have also waited tables in the DC area to put myself through college. I won't make sweeping stereotypes about French people, but French tourists are pretty much just as Bitchy's Fifi. Entitled, snotty, and they tip for shit.

As for Robin--most grown ass adults will sit where they are assigned. This is how airplanes work, this is how theatrical productions work, this is how sporting events work. It isn't complicated. The people who refuse to sit where they are assigned and bounce all over the establishment are the exceptions...what we term 'adult children.' If you pay to attend an event, and the seating rules are clearly explained to you, the onus is on YOU to follow the rules. You paid for an event, but you do not own the place, and you do not get to make up the rules.

Robin said...


Respectfully, an airplane ride is quite different. Nobody enjoy's a plane ride and all that it entails.

A night out is quite another thing. You are paying to have a good time. You should be treated with a bit of respect and this include's not being treated like a child.

If you plan to respond to this, I would appreciate it if you would tone it down. I am not your enemy and I will not sta...sit for it.

Take care, Robin

nolalola said...

UGH what is WITH Europeans and their bullshit tipping attitude? I don't give a FUCK if in YOUR country, your servers get $45K per year before tips, that's not how it works here. Also? Your euro is worth way more than our dollar so you can fucking afford it. Here's the thing, FiFi: When I go to another country, I learn their customs about things like tipping, meeting new people, hailing a cab, etc. If tipping servers 20% is customary in a particular country I'm going to, that is what I'm going to do when I'm there!!