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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope you started your day with some pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers because today is St. Patrick's Day. Yes, I am talking about Lucky Charms, nature's perfect breakfast food other than Cap'n Crunch or Honeycombs. If you needed to have a warm breakfast, then perhaps you settled for a bowl of McCann's Irish Oatmeal and if you are a big ol' lush, maybe you just sucked down a Guinness. If that is the case, do not feel bad about it, for today is St. Patrick's Day and heavy drinking is not only expected, it is encouraged. Does anyone even really know what St. Patrick did? He's a Catholic something or other and the only hard-core Catholic I know that would be able to give me the lowdown on the guy is probably on her fourth or fifth beer by now. (Marlene, call me. It's been a while.) Did he chase the rats out of Ireland or see the image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of Irish soda bread toast? I have no idea. Maybe he turned water into green beer? Regardless, today is the day that we all wear green and some people pull out their stupid ass "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" buttons and we go around pinching people who forgot to wear the color of the day. We go to McDonald's for a shamrock shake and then we head over to Bennigan's, Houlihan's, or Maggie Mae's Irish Pub to get as trashed as we possibly can because that is what St. Patrick and the Catholic church would want. We must honor that tradition, y'all. Get trashed. And don't worry if you forgot to wear green. If you drink enough pints, your face will soon be the right shade.

When I worked at Houlihan's, we had a big ass countdown clock one year counting down to the minute that people felt it was acceptable to order beer at 11:00 AM. Why people thought Houlihan's was a traditional Irish establishment, I'll never know. Are nachos and chicken fingers Irish? Now that I think about it, I do recall hearing a story about how St. Patrick needed to feed a hundred billion people one time but all he had was one block of Velveeta cheese and a lone bag of Doritos. But miracle of miracles, he fed those multitudes nachos until they were satisfied. That is the power of St. Patty!

I will keep this post brief because I know you are probably already drunk by now (Marlene, call me) and you are ready to go put on your leprechaun costume and run around looking for a pot of gold. I will be at work tonight serving all the drunk bitches in green but I will do it with a smile on my face. For that is what St. Patrick, the patron saint of nachos, would want. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

(yes, this was a repost...)

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Confessions from the Hairdresser said...

Unfortunately I live in a state where people celebrate St. Patrick's day like it's their business. *Sigh*

I reccomend you wear pigtails this evening, with beautiful green elastics... ...the ones with the two plastic balls, like the cute little black girls wear.

This is a double-dog dare, by the way.

The Artist Formerly Known As Bagel Fairy said...

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I will be out seducing gingers all day.

NellieVaughn said...

When you get a hold of Marlene, tell the ol' girl to give me a call. I need a Catholic in my life.

Mary A. said...

St. Patrick was a roman who was a slave in Ireland. He escaped, then became a priest, then returned to Ireland to convert the savages to Catholicism.

He used the Shamrock as a metaphor for the Triune nature of God -- 3 yet one.

SO there's that.

Also, today is the day that this Irish Catholic girl met her cute Okinawan husband 22 years ago. So I will celebrate by giving him a slurpy blow job.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

Mary A. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chunky Mama said...

I actually DID go have a Shamrock shake just because it sounded like something fat people should do. And then, I let my two year old girl have a sip and she dropped it and now one section of my carpet will always be a lovely shade of green.

PS What is it with Mary and the blowjobs? ;)

pilgrimchick said...

It is apparently acceptable to drink before 11:00 a.m. anytime, any day in Manchester International Airport in the UK. The four beer-gutted, football shirt-wearing, intoxicated men sitting behind me on a plane to Philadelphia proved that true without a question.

Pyro's Gal said...

You forgot the purple horseshoes!

TheRealBarman said...

Always remember, if it has alcohol in it, it's an Irish bar, regardless of culinary distinction. Besides, aren't nachos now the international food of the world?



Little redhead said...

St. Patrick was born in Great-Britain and ended up as a slave in Ireland. After six years he escaped, returned to Britain and became a priest. Through dreams he became convinced his mission was to convert the heathens in Ireland. Which he did, by eventually convincing the High King in Ireland to convert. The whole 'getting the snakes out of Ireland' thing is basically a metaphor for getting rid of the heathens.

There you have it :D in a nutshell.
Also, please don't ever say St.Patty in Ireland, if there's one thing that annoys the Irish it's 'finding their roots' Americans who are a whopping 1/16th Irish and people who call St. Paddy's St. Patty's :p. Patrick is always shortened to Paddy.
Just a little warning in case you ever cross the pond :D