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Monday, March 5, 2012

On The Good Ship, Butter Packet

This is the story of an adorable little girl who sat in my station last week. With her head of blond curls and pudgy little cheeks she looked just like everyone's favorite singing toddler, Shirley Temple. Well, this little girl looked like Shirley Temple if she had just eaten Laurel and Hardy. She was Shirley Temple, the large economy size.

With the assistance of her parents, she slid into the booth and immediately faced the other direction, hanging her cute little sausage arms over the booth and into the the booth behind her. She was now effectively part of another couple's dining experience. "Hi," she said to the man and woman who were trying to enjoy their meal sans Moppet Head. So cute. I love when the kid in the booth behind me wants to talk to me, don't you?

I went to greet the family. I expected that Shirley Temple Extra would jump onto the table and do a tap dance number with Buddy Ebson, but instead she sat politely in her seat and listened as I explained the specials. She was not interested in the sauteed shrimp with garlic or the herbed chicken and vegetable soup and certainly not the pork medallions with collard greens. None of those things were to her liking. No, this little girl had other food in mind. "I want pasta!" She beamed as she said it and pointed at herself with her thumb in such a way that made the curls on her head bounce. "And mashed potatoes too. Yummy!" She rubbed her belly and laughed. I wondered if she'd like an appetizer of animal crackers. I made eye contact with her mother to see if she was alright with her daughter having a carb and carb for dinner and the mother seemed satisfied with the order. Who am I to judge? If the little girl wants pasta and potatoes, so be it. Who needs vegetables? Not this little girl, that's for sure.

I placed the order and went on with my other customers. As I passed by the little girl's table, her father asked me a question. "Do you have any bread?"

"Of course, I'll be right back."

Two minutes later, I placed the bread in the center of the table. The father picked it up and handed the entire basket to his daughter. "Here you go sweetie. Here's your bread and butter." I watched the family to see if anyone other than Costco Shirley Temple had any bread. They didn't. It was so cute when she picked up that half of a loaf of bread with her cute little ham hock hands and pushed it into her mouth. I told the chef that we needed her pasta and mashed potatoes as soon as possible seeing that this little girl was clearly on her way to starvation.

I brought the Carbohydrate Dinner within five minutes and thought it was adorable when she caught my eye indicating she had a question. "Can I has some ketchup, please?" Again she pointed at herself with her thumb. I got the ketchup for her and watched as she dumped it on top of her penne. I had a feeling that tomato ketchup was as close as she was going to get to a vegetable serving that night. She cleaned both plates and her parents congratulated her on doing such a "big girl job" on her dinner. Key words being "big" and "girl."

I think the cutest thing she did all night was when she asked for dessert and her parents refused. She gave a cute little pout and put her hands on her hips. She then picked up two butter packets, opened them and licked them clean. Nothing is cuter than watching a Jumbo Shirley Temple eat butter.

I gave them their check and they left me a 20% tip. They were all very sweet and kind. The father helped his daughter put her shoes back on, for they had fallen off her feet at some point during the meal, possibly because her feet were crying out for relief. They helped her off the bench and put her coat on. "Good night, everybody!" Super Size Shirley Temple said. "Thanks for everything." She glanced back at the table to make sure there were no butter packets left for eating. There were none. She skipped out the door, her hair bouncing all around like little curly fries. She was so cute.

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fmcgmccllc said...

Makes me wonder what the parents ate. Was she the only fat one? Maybe adopted?

ChiTown Girl said...

ok, that just made me throw up a little in my mouth. now i want to go call child protective services.

California Girl said...

I LOVE when little children, boys or girls, hang their arms, legs, necks & heads over my booth and ESPECIALLY my airplane seat. I love it when they kick my airplane seat or turn around, stand up, hang their head over the seat in front of me and stare until I'm obliged to acknowledge them.

THAT's what I love.

Kalei's Best Friend said...

"Costco Shirley Temple"- wow, you are inventive for sure... lol... As far as the girl, we all know if she continues on this destructive path, she may not make it to 20 and if she does, she will have diabetes, heart issue, etc...btw were her parents over weight?

Mary A. said...

Heart breaks for her a little.

It sucks to be the fat kid.

As for the parents? Don't know the story. Witholding judgement for once in my life.

If she was rude, on the other hand, I would be ALL Judgy McJudgerson in her face.

When I was the fat kid no one thought it was cute. Especially not my parents. . .

Joanne said...

I agree with Mary. I do think the butter licking was odd though.

NellieVaughn said...

I feel sick to my stomach. My sister ate butter sticks as a child. She also looked like a starving child from a third world country. People cheered when they saw her eat. CHEERED, I tell you.

Practical Parsimony said...

Aaack! I never let my children even face the wrong direction, much less hang arms into the booth behind and TALK to people. I absolutely hate it and I tell the kid to turn around.

Poor child. She will never throw a tantrum because she has to eat a one green bean to say she had a vegetable. She will smile her way through life as a fatty. At what age do litle girls cry because they are fat?

NCeddie said...

Love the way you told this posting. Without any bitchy asides, the tale progressed to its happy" ending, yet left nothing in doubt about our Shirley Temple dumpling. Bravo! Well done!

JPop said...

I thought my nephew was the only disgusting one, at 7 yrs old and110 lbs. He mirrored the same eating habits when we went out to eat with him and my in-laws last summer. 4 pieces of bread, ate the whole loaded nacho app by himself, pasta, my mother in law's rice, AND ate 3/4 of my father in law's burger. AND of COURSE 3 Pepsi's later!! Then they had to take the precious child to Dunkin Donuts after because "he wanted dessert". Nice.

Confessions from the Hairdresser said...

Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild abuse.

I really miss the episodes of Maury with the gigantic fat kids and the complacent moms that are all like I'ma feed my baby if she's HONNNNNGRY! My baby eat fried chicken, my baby eat grits, my baby eat gravy.... That and the transvestite beauty pageants where you have to guess if they're women or men. I would even settle for a good paternity test episode, but there haven't been any lately.
When it comes to Maury if it's not stuffed, tucked, or quantities of men into double-digits I can't be bothered.

The Artist Formerly Known As Bagel Fairy said...

What's really awful about this is that the parents will think it's so great that she eats so much, until she's a teenager. And then they're going to make her start dieting once it's not cute anymore. Why do people always have to fuck up their kids' relationship with food so much?

Corinne said...

"Jumbo Shirley Temple" lololololol

Anonymous said...

Okay, im a fat girl and I find this absofuckinglutely hilarious. This reminds me of the time an older couple brought in their chubby grandson. He had the kids chicken plank meal (comes with fries and is enough for an adult to eat), mac and cheese, 2 cups of chocolate milk, and an entire piece of pie. Fucking fuck puked everywhere. His grandmother said "he vomited. What should we do?". Ummmmm, cleaning it up is a good place to start!