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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Future Douchebag of America

At first glance he appears to be your average 13 year old. He is gawky with a little bit of acne and seems irritated by his mother, just like most boys his age. He wears khaki pants and sneakers with a blue button-up shirt and his sweater is tossed over his shoulders.

When he and his mother arrive at the restaurant, there is only one table available. Without waiting for me to lead the way, the boy makes a bee line for it like he's a little old Asian lady getting onto the F train at East Broadway, paying no mind to anyone who may be in his path. He throws himself onto the chair and exclaims that he does not need the menu. The mother agrees.

"How are you?" she asks me.

She is a regular and we often bump into each other at the grocery store and around the neighborhood. She's nice and I like her.

Before I can answer, the boy sighs heavily. "I'm starving," he whines.

"No you're not. You're hungry," says mom.

"Gargh," says the boy giving the impression that he is somehow clearing his throat sarcastically. He throws his sweater onto his chair and lets his head fall back in utter disbelief that his mother is not going to get food for him right that second.

After the mother and I are finished with our pleasantries, the boy says, "Now can we order? Gawd! I want the steak well done with the fries on the side" (As opposed to the fries cooked inside the steak, I suppose.) "And an order of calamari."

His mother places her order and easily uses phrases that her son seems unaccustomed to like "please" and "thank you."

"Okay," I say. "I'll go put this order in and it will be out shortly." I return my pen to my apron and start to walk away when the boy decides he has me more thing to say.

"And that calamari? Put a rush on it!"

I look at the kid and he transforms before my very eyes. No longer is he the slightly annoying teenager just discovering the joys of puberty. He now appears to me as a full-fledged future douchebag. He suddenly looks like that asshole that was in every movie that took place in high school during the '80's; like James Spader in Pretty in Pink.


I look at his mother who shrugs her shoulders as if she has resigned herself to having a douchebag for a son.

"You got it," I say. "A rush on the calamari." I mosey towards the computer making sure to check on every other table first and fill any waters that need attention. Before I get to the computer, I see that the bread plates need to be restocked and that the napkins are low. I take care of those tasks and then I help myself to a soda before I place the order for the calamari, conveniently forgetting to add the word "rush" to the ticket.

Ten minutes later, when I place the appetizer before Douchebag, Jr., he reaches out to grab a handful to stuff in his face. He doesn't give me time to warn him that it has just come out of the fryer and is very very hot. It doesn't matter. The piping hot calamari is no match for the fiery douchiness that his mouth is used to accommodating and he swallows it with ease.

After their app plates have been cleared, Mini Massengill wants to know how much longer it will be before his well-done steak is ready. I assure him it will on his table as own as soon as it is ready, because the sooner it's ready, the sooner I can serve it, the sooner he can eat it and the sooner his vinegar and water ass will be out of my station. My explanation is not good enough for him. Moments later, I see him stand up and walk over to our open kitchen and hover at the line, his hands on his hips, watching his steak on the grill. Never mind that he is in the way of those of us working, for he is going to watch that steak cook. A watched pot may never boil, but a steak being eyed by a 13 year-old douchebag grills quicker, everybody knows that.

"How much longer for the steak?" he asks Juan the grill cook.

"Que?" asks Juan.

I intervene. "I will bring your steak as soon as it's finished, I promise. Go sit down."

The rest of their meal happens without issue. The steak must have calmed his douchiness for now, but certainly not for the future. He has a lot to look forward to in life. When he gets to high school, he won't be joining Future Business Leader of America or Future Farmers of America or even Future Homemakers of America. He will start his own club called Future Douchebags of America. He will be the president as well as the vice-president and will rule with an iron fist that smells of ammonia and he will meet on every summer's eve. His shirt collar will always be in a popped position, his chin will always be thrust forward and his attitude will always suck. The first order of new business is to remember that douching is always easier when you're relaxed.

Good luck ladies, he's 13 and he's all yours.



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26 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

SOB entitled much? and WHY didn't mama make him mind his manners?

so many assholes out there like him...hope he choked on the steak on its way down!

Anonymous said...

Sad fact: this is not his fault. His parents DO NOT CARE ENOUGH to raise a mannerly human being. Unfortunately for him, they have done him a great disservice and he will have to learn many things the hard way and will have a very difficult time making and keeping friends. I wish parents would realize this and start PARENTING. Incredibly sad for him and incredibly annoying for those of us who have to deal with DB jr for years to come.

Jill said...

Wow. If I EVER even "thought" I was going to walk over to Kitchen? And question the staff???? A) Never occurred to me to do that. B) My parents would have knocked me into next week.

My brother, at age 3, grabbed a slice of watermelon off of a clean plate at Ponderosa once and it is now the "Watermelon Story". My dad went balistic on him. My brother is 26 now and still remembers it.

A kid needs parents for life situations like that - Guidance. Coddling kids gets you a jerk like in your situation. And good luck to his future employer, too!

LS said...

I still blame the parents. But once he becomes a legal adult he has to own it.

Rogue Wino said...

Lol, this is so the parents fault. I'm always shocked when parents don't reprimand their children when they act like mini-douches. To quote one of my more entitled customers: "we don't believe in telling our child no" Have fun with that one when he's a drug addict.

KB said...

The human brain starts losing it's "baby teeth" at around 13 and doesn't become a grown-up brain until 25 or so. There's hope. Just not anytime soon. (My son is 24 and I'm still waiting.He started bussing tables at 14 so we have the restaurant part covered.)

Anonymous said...

I never received a thing without a please and thank you growing up. Even when I said yes and no...it was followed by Ma'am or Sir. Even though I was brought up strict and felt tortured at times, it all made sense when I grew up. I taught my children the same way and people have always commented on their great manners. When I am waiting on families with children who are rude and disrespectful..which is about 90 percent of them, I wonder when did it happen that parents forgot to teach their children the world does not revolve around them and their needs. These kids are all in for a very rude awakening

California Girl said...

At first, I think you're describing an aficionado of "Napolean Dynamite" with the "Gawd" remark. But, when you threw in the Spader similarity, well, we all know at least one of THOSE.

Border Collie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Border Collie said...

I hate to say this, but I know a lot of little girls that would be perfect for this creep. Sad.

Patrick Maguire-ServerNotServant said...

Love this post. Hate douchebags.

Anonymous said...

I've read this legend about changelings; children kidnapped and replaced by the predatory species.
Based on that theory, I believe this nice lady has fallen victim to RancidRanchWhore (aka Springs1) and is now raising little RancidRancheon unbekstknown to herself.
..poor lady ..

Seriously though. The only thing my kid could get without a "please" is a birthday/holiday gifts OR a smack upside the head.

~PolishSpring

JoBo said...

James Spader is dreamy...

Anonymous said...

Parents want to be their kids 'best friends' and 'soul mates' now. They don't actually PARENT. You have to raise a person who can make it in the world and be able to work with and mesh with other people...I am in the minority with this thought. It's sad to see. AND the parents ARE hurting their kids with this behavior AND their don't love them any more than the kids who are being raised correctly love their parents...so what is the point??

christie hampton said...

Not sure why mama didn't tear him a new one!! I would have paid bill, tipped and left without him eating. He can have a bologna sammich at home. How embarrassing this should have been for her!

Fool Critic said...

Oh my god, the "WHY IS MY WELL-DONE STEAK TAKING SO LONG??!!" starts when they're pre-teens. It all makes sense now.

Fuck off, child.

itswhatiam said...

I wonder what Springs1 had to say about this...

Anonymous said...

When I wait on well mannered kids I always compliment the parents, it usually catches them off guard

Taylor Daugherty said...

....and this is why I hate children/teens and will never have them myself. I'm doing the world and myself a favor.

I remember over the summer I was waiting on a couple in their 40s and their 8 year old ish kid and he continually snapped his fingers at his mom, yelled at her, demanded the most expensive things, etc. I couldnt believe she let him get away with the way he treated her but then again it makes sense why he turned out that way.

Ghadeer said...

Oh God- the part where he actually goes to check on his steak in the kitchen!

I know you mentioned the mom's cool but really, she needs to do more about her son.

JoeinVegas said...

Sounds like he isn't in the Future DB he is in the Already Is A DB club.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh, the spoiled ass kids who somehow feel entitled to treat servers like their personal bitch. My favorite....
Especially love when they do all the talking for the entire table in a completely condescending way, and NO ONE says a thing to this child. Jesus, parents, grow a pair and discipline. Kindness is NOT weakness. There is a freakin difference!!!!!!!!!!!!!

slappie jones said...

If any one of my five kids EVER pulled a stunt like that in public (or at home, for that matter) the only question they would be asking me is "How long before the bruises on my ass heal?"

Kat said...

Why was his mom sitting there not saying anything?! If that were me at 13, I'd be dead. Not only for talking to my mom, or even my dad, like that, but acting like I'm 4 years old at 13!

Rebecca Cowan-Thompson said...

Hahaha, you gotta love those kids who get to be completely rude and disrespectful and you get the shoulder shrug from the parents. "What are you gonna do?" You snatch your baby up and remind them of the peckin order and adults are at the top.... well okay, i use that term loosely cause i know adults who are just like that and i find myself treating them the same, sit down shut up and be happy you get to eat today at all.

Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree more. Little jerk. As a server AND a mother of a small boy, I would be thoroughly ashamed to see my kid act this way. Rest assured, my son KNOWS how unacceptable this kind of crap is.