I don't know who came up with National Vodka Day, but I'd like to ask them why on such a special day, the country hasn't done more to recognize the importance of it. I don't see any Hallmark cards about the event and my faucet is still spewing out tap water when it should be releasing Kettel One instead. I still have to go to work tonight and in honor of the occasion, I may have to do away with my customary coffee cup of Chardonnay and replace it with bottom shelf McCormick vodka.
Why do I love vodka so much? How can I not love a liquor that can be infused with flavors as varied as peanut butter and jelly all the way to bacon? I don't like salmon, smoked or otherwise, but I may be willing to try smoked salmon vodka if you put it in a martini glass chilled with a side of Goldfish crackers.
As you may know, I am a big fan of cocktails as is evidenced by the time I drank my way down the West Coast documenting each and every libation along the way. I am not ashamed to admit that I like fruity cocktails, but according to an article at The Globe and Mail, I may be outing myself as an amateur drinker. It says there are certain drinks that are considered passé and sadly, many of those drinks are the ones I quite enjoy. The mojito is passé? Fuck that. Vodka and Red Bull is passé? Fuck that. A Cosmo is passé? Probably, but I like 'em.
But back to National Vodka Day. Rejoice, for this day was created so that you can embrace that wonderful beverage and not feel bad about drinking it for breakfast. The other 364 days of the year, your waiter might judge you for ordering a Belevdere on the rocks with your pancakes, but today when you order it, he will just give you that knowing smile that says, "Ah, National Vodka Day, right? Enjoy, my friend, enjoy."
Vodka isn't just for drinking and there are dozens of stupid household hints that use vodka in other ways. I don't know why anyone would use vodka for anything other than drinking, but in case there are some people out there who want to know, here are some tips:
- Use vodka as an alternative to using chemical cleansers and spray glass panes with diluted vodka, then wipe them down with a lint-free cloth. Or just use fucking Windex and drink the fucking vodka.
- Rid tile and caulk of mold and mildew by spraying them with vodka. Let sit for up to 30 minutes, scrub with a grout brush or old toothbrush, and rinse thoroughly. Or ignore the mold and drink the fucking vodka.
- Shine chrome, glass and porcelain bathroom fixtures by soaking a soft, clean cloth with vodka and wiping. Or use the Windex you just bought and drink the fucking vodka.
- Spritz undiluted vodka on clothes to help remove musty smells, then hang-dry them in a well-ventilated area. Or use Febreeze and drink the fucking vodka.
- If you have a rusty screw, you can leave it in vodka for just a few hours, then wipe to get rid of rust. Or just buy a new screw for ten cents and drink the fucking vodka.
- Save your bouquet by mixing a few drops of vodka with a teaspoon of sugar to inhibit the production of ethylene, which makes flowers wilt. Or buy some plastic flowers and drink the fucking vodka.
- Dip a clean cloth in vodka and rub it on fabric to help take out stubborn stains caused by ink, grass, and some foods. Or buy a Tide Marker and drink the fucking vodka.
Please share this so the whole world will know how important October 4th is.
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