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Monday, July 23, 2012

What We Say vs. What We Think (Guest Blogger!)

As I continue to drown myself in tequila and Tex-Mex, I have reached out to Kelly for this blog post about the voices in our heads. She blogs at Prose Therapy and I hope you will go visit her. She chose the picture and wanted to know if it was too inappropriate. That's funny, Kelly. Too inappropriate for this blog? Please. 


  What We're Saying vs. What We're Thinking: a Translation Guide





Can I help you?
Would you just order so I can go finish my damn coffee?

How are you?              
Please leave me a tip.

Nice to see you again.     
What the hell? Do you, like, live here?

We do have a kid's menu.   
Oh, no. No children.

Have you been here before? 
You sure look dumb.

Do you need more time to decide?
You're choosing salad dressing, not whether or not to keep the baby. Hurry up.

We do have a light version.
Nice try. You'll still be fat when you leave.

It comes with…             
It's called a menu, you imbecile.

I'm very sorry, but we're out.
Hehehehehehehe…

Yes?
Oh, God. Leave me the fuck alone.

Unfortunately, we won't be able to do that.
Are you on crack?

I apologize, but they're a little behind.
You'd better not blame me for this shit.

I must have misunderstood you.
You're a liar.

Ha! Ha! Ha!              
Hmm…that's, what? The seventeenth time a customer cracked that lame-ass joke today?

Sure, no problem.          
I hate you.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.  
Yeah bitch, g'ahead and blame me.

I'll comp that for you.    
For the love of God, don't get the DM involved.

Is there anything else I can get for you?
Might as well cut my trips in half.
  
I'll get you a fresh one...
…even though there was nothing wrong with the first one, you spoiled, wasteful piece of shit.

I'll clean that up.        
Thanks for the soggy straw wrappers, used gum, and salt all over the table, asswipes.

Yes, it does cost extra.   
You cheapskate.

Come and see us again!     
Thanks for the tip!

She can help you.  
For the love of God, just let me clock the fuck out.

Have a great day!          
Please leave.







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6 comments:

Mary A. said...

Well done!

The Artist Formerly Known As Bagel Fairy said...

Thanks, Bitchy!

Anonymous said...

Ha! Love this. "We're out- hehehehe" My thought exactly. I'm positively giddy when I'm allowed to say no for once

Practical Parsimony said...

Funny!

DMT said...

I remember I was standing at a till one time and some guy with a wonky eye and a captain's hat came up to be served. In my head I said *Oh look it's cockeye the sailor man* then I burst out laughing and blurted "Cockeye the sailor man!" out loud.

Ingrid said...

She can help you with that..omfg so on point. For whatever stupid reason whenever I'm leaving for work there always seems to be people at the door and no host.so i get such there for another fabulous minute to seat them -_-