I wrote myself not too long ago.
I waited tables for more years than I care to admit (20), in a variety of restaurants. Every server has the group of people they hate to wait on. For the most part, you know as soon as you walk up to the table what kind of tip you’re going to receive. Of course there are surprises. The restaurant industry is filled with nothing, if not surprises. There is one group, however, that never fails to disappoint. They are the Ranch Monsters.
What is a Ranch Monster? If you’re not a server, you probably don’t know this is a thing. If you’ve waited tables for more than a weekend, however, you know very well who I’m talking about. Ranch Monsters are overweight, mean bitches that I’m convinced exist solely to walk into your restaurant just to keep your self-esteem in check.
Let me be clear before we begin- no bitch on earth is fatter or meaner than I am. I have no problem with people of any size. I offer this information strictly to aid in the identification of Ranch Monsters. They are overweight and can be identified by their scowl that greets you as you walk to their table. Her order is predictable. If she is dining with her parents, she will order a well-done steak. If she is out with a young man, she will order the least expensive thing on the menu, as she will be paying. If they are out in a group together, immediately leave the restaurant and find gainful employment elsewhere.
After giving you her order, she will complete your transaction by saying, “And I’m going to need a LOT of Ranch dressing to go with that.” Of course you do, Madam. I’ll roll the trough on out to your table and slop you shortly.
Nothing will please the Ranch Monster. The food will not be prepared properly. The service is the worst she’s ever had. The music is too loud or too quiet. Goldilocks would tell this bitch to get over herself. And, of course, it goes without saying that there will be no tip. Consider yourself fortunate if you are able to get through the meal without her calling the manager over to insist that you should be fired for lingering too long with her 6th refill of diet coke.
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