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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Know-It-All Monsters (Guest Blogger!)

While I am on vacation in Texas to see my family (an obli-cation is what I like to call it) I have set up some really wonderful guest bloggers. I hope you will share them, comment on them and love them. In the meantime, I will be in Texas drinking gravy and sweating. This one comes from Kaylee who blogs over at Love and Heartness. Go visit her and give hers some love and heartness, y'all.

People who eat out can be incredible rude and stupid. Even worse is when they believe they know it all. I call them, Know It All Monsters, or KIAMs. You know them too; they think they are God’s gift to Earth and have all the correct answers about EVERYTHING. In the past week, I dealt with two particularly dumb KIAMs.
One of them sat up at the bar, wanting to order a beer. I listed off all our beers in house and she didn’t like any of them.
KIAM: Hmmm, those don’t sound good. Are you sure you don’t have Sierra Nevada?
Me: No.
KIAM: Or maybe Stella?
Me: No. I have the ones I listed to you and that’s all.
KIAM: Are you sure? Because sometimes people forget what kind of beer they have.
Me: Well, seeing as we have a limited amount of beer, I remember our brands pretty well. 
KIAM: Yes, but it’s happened before where you didn’t tell me everything.
Me: I assure you, I would never lie to you.
KIAM: Could you please just check again? You’re sure that’s all you have?
Look lady, I’m sorry if other restaurants lie to you, but my main job in that place is to SELL YOU SHIT. If I don’t tell you everything I have, I MIGHT NOT SELL YOU SOMETHING. And then not only do I lose money, but the restaurant does too.
I’m also sorry you think you know more about MY BAR than I do. Because, obviously, you were there to open it that day. And, obviously, you are there counting the beer and putting away the wine and making sure liquor is stocked. Oh, and surely you are trained in the ways of our particular restaurant.
That sound you just heard was me snorting at her.
My next KIAM was on Wednesday. A couple walks in and sits at a booth. He tells me it’s his birthday, and his wife wanted to try something “new”. That’s they way he said it too, like the word was in quotations.
So I’m telling all the great things to eat and how excited I am to have him there and how much I love when people tell me this is their favorite restaurant. You know, bullshitting.
They place their order and he asks if he could maybe get a side of a new recipe item, because he just wants to try them. Sure, no problem. 
After they get their food, I go over to make sure everything is tasting as delicious as they had hoped. They were praising the food up and down, it was SO GOOD. I then asked what he thought of the side item.
KIAM: Well, I miss the old way they made them.
Me: I can understand that. This was has a few better ingredients, including this one cheese.
KIAM: Hmm, I don’t taste any of that cheese.
Me: Well, that’s how we make it now.
KIAM: No, there is definitely none of that cheese in there.
Me: Uhm, yes there is. The chefs prepare it that way in the morning now, because it’s a new recipe.
KIAM: They didn’t make it correct today then. There is no cheese in there.
Man, I obviously forgot that I saw him in the kitchen with the chefs helping them prep food this morning. I also (obviously) forgot that he helped write this recipe, so he should know EVERYTHING about it. Oh, AND I must have forgotten that he tasted the two side by side before we changed it, just to make sure you could taste the cheese.
The best way to deal with a KIAM is to drop the subject and move on. But in my case, all I have to do is “forget” their other beer, or “accidentally” change the channel they were watching, and eventually we’ll get even.
Somehow, we always do.

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yudelnoodle said...

i had one at an old restaurant. this guy would sit at the bar and ask for a Dewars on the rocks with three ice cubes. every time I would say we do not have Dewars. His response: "are you sure?" yes I am sure. I am in charge of inventory. I know everything we have. he then would say "what's that?" and point to a bottle. "Captain Morgan. The bottles look nothing alike." "Well what is that?" "That is Crown Royal. I assure you I am not hiding your precious Dewars from you." EVERY TIME he came in this would go on.

Practical Parsimony said...

Talking or arguing with these people just gives them what they want--attention. Even negative attention suits people starved for attention.

If the bar regular tips, keep it up. If he does not tip, don't argue. Pretend you are deaf and mute. It sounds like he is socially challenged. Some people just don't know how to converse.

SkippyMom said...

People will actually argue with you about having a particular beer? That is absurd. [I believe you, I am just incredulous. jeesh]

I feel your pain - at some point I would just nod vaguely and walk away.

Take care and great post!

neekolo said...

I work at a little diner that's is really similar to a dennys, just family owned and local. Dennys is the only other 24 hour place in my town, and I am one of the grave shift waitresses at this particular diner. One night a lady came in and sat at the front counter and asked for a to-go order. So I let her look at the menu and came back a few minutes later and wanted to know where our 2-4-6-8 menu was. I let her know that we didn't have such a menu, it was dennys just up the road she was thinking of. No.... Clearly i am a fool and inadequate at my job, that's why they let me have the run of the place by myself for 8 hours a night. "Well!! I was just here last week with my sister and I ate of the 2-4-6-8 menu then!! I'll be back tomorrow to speak with your manager!!...... What can I get for $2?"

dirtydisher said...

I remember a snotty cork sniffing couple of complainers who wanted to know which of the dishes I brought out was chicken and which was fish. I told them the chicken was the one with legs and wings. Yes, superior genius's. I can not do it anymore. You have my admiration.

DMT said...

I had a woman come in to my place once, she called the manager to complain that I watered down her coffee and sold her stale cookies.

She had ordered an Americano and a Biscotti! Americano is made by adding espresso to hot water and biscottis are twice baked they're supposed to be dry and hard that's why have them with hot drinks you can dunk them in!

Anonymous said...

We had a beer that we took off tap because it never sold. The sign was still on the tap (cuz no-one ever got around to changing it) but the tap was not connected to anything. One particular customer asked for this beer and could not understand why I kept insiting that we didn't sell it anymore, even though the tap was still there. I repeatedly told him the tap was not hooked up to anything and we did not have kegs of that beer.

He finnally rached over the bar and grabbed the tap, then when nothing came out, asked to see the manager to tell him about the "broken" tap. Some people just don't listen.

Anonymous said...

And to dirtydisher... I've had people ask me what the difference between chicken and beef is. Umm... one goes cluck, the other goes moo?

Anonymous said...

It seems silly to question waitstaff about their knowledge of what is available at their restaurant, but at an Irish pub, on St. Patrick's day(!!!), we asked what sort of Irish whiskey they had. The waitress responded "scotch"

Um, no. So very, very 'no.'

Anonymous said...

I am always surprised by how many morons order creme brulee and then ask why it's cold? "I eat in the finest restaurants, and it's always served warm", BS moron, I've never seen it served warm,it would just be creme lee quad then.