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Friday, July 27, 2012

I Almost Killed a Lady a Table 15

Yesterday at work, I thought I poisoned someone. For a brief second it seemed as if I was going to have to use my years of watching St. Elsewhere, Grey's Anatomy and General Hospital to cobble together some type of medical rescue. A woman at table 15 practically went into anaphylactic shock when she tasted a bottle of wine she ordered and found it to be "horrific." What a fucking drama queen.

She wanted to order a bottle of red but she had a friend at the table who didn't like red so it was a bit of a challenge. The lady informed me she was a wine representative so apparently she knew every thing there ever was to know about the fermented grape. She was intent upon discovering a bottle of red that her friend could tolerate. Personally, I thought they should order a bottle of red for the three of them and let the one person who wanted white just order it by the glass. But, no. She decided on an organic California Cabernet but she asked if her friend could taste it first to make sure she liked it. Fine. Her friend tasted it and said it was good, but what the hell does she know? It's been established that she does not like red wine. When I showed up to the table with the bottle, I uncorked it and poured a bit for Miss Wine Rep of America. She swirled it around in her glass and then smelled it about a hundred and fifty times and finally let it flow over her palate. After she swallowed, she made a face like I had accidentally served her the bottle of gasoline that we keep next to the Cabernet. She shook her head back and forth like she was having a seizure, all the while her hair flailing and her lips puckering. "Wow! Wow! Wow! Whew...uhh, okay. Well... that is a really strong alcohol content. It's like the alcohol just slapped me in the face." I envied the wine for getting to slap this bitch in the face.

"I assume that means you don't like it?" I queried.

"No. It's okay. I think the bottle just needs to air out a bit. It's fine." Judging by her reaction it didn't seem anywhere close to fine, but she said it was fine, which was fine with me.

"Are you sure?" I double checked.

She swallowed hard and said, 'It's not you, it's the bottle."

Bitch, I know it's not me. Did you see my ass stomping grapes in California in 2009? I ain't got shit to do with this bottle of wine. All I did was carry it from the bar to your table and then opened it. I know it's not me.

She insisted she would drink it but after five minutes, she called me over and told me that it was impossible to drink because it was so horrific. She offered me a sip to confirm the horrific-ness, but I told her I like vodka. She sent the bottle back and ordered a bottle of what they had already been drinking at the bar as they waited for their table. Good idea, lady. The rest of the bottle that was so awful went back to the bar where our manager tasted it and deemed it perfectly fine and it was then sold by the glass to another table who also seemed to think it was more than adequate. The chef and the manager both agreed that this was the wine rep's attempt to alert us that our wine selection was poor and she was the one who could fix the problem if only we would buy from one of her labels. Fat chance, wine rep. You pissed off the manager with your theatrics and he vowed to me that he would never consider sampling your wares. You lost that game, honey. However you did win something:

And the award for best overreaction to a taste of wine goes to... Miss Wine Rep of America at table 15! Congratulations! You can take this bottle of 2009 Cabernet and shove it up your pinot noir.

(Yes, this was a repost but I have a long day ahead...)

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jnana said...

Oh that was so planned :/ and pathetic.

Practical Parsimony said...

That was beyond weird!

Dewsterling said...

A wine rep ordering an "organic" California wine? Yep. That was a freakin' ploy. Most organic wineries are new and produce, to my palate anyway, somewhat unrefined wines - with higher alcohol contents. What an ass!

Anonymous said...

As an individual retired from wine sales and pursuing a life free of psycho district managers, sales quotas, and speeches stolen from Glengarry Glen Ross, I can tell you that no major wine distributor has focusssed on organic wine in the history of wine. Because they usually suck, so on top of this, this Hard C probably works for a third tier broker, that sells a crappy wine, and she sucks at acting. And life.

Anonymous said...

But did she leave a good tip?

Anonymous said...

But did she leave a good tip?

Rogue Wino said...

Corporate wine reps are such douches (sorry anonymous).
I will say, not true about organic wine- I think you guys are thinking about Bonterra and the ilk, crappy mass-produced California stuff. Most of the small-production Italian wines I buy for the restaurant are organic or close to it- it's the old world way or doing things, really. Industrial ag sucks it.

Anonymous said...

You should have killed her.

Anonymous said...

I lost energy processing the stupidity of this wine ordering experience. Did she also want to sniff the cork?

jaimez1313 said...

Every day when I think I can't encounter someone dumber/more dramatic/ ruder/ more annoying I am proved wrong. Every. Single. Day. I think this woman just crushed the last fuck I give for humanity.

Practical Parsimony said...

You would probably have me committed. When I drink most wine, I have a shivering, shimmying reaction that means nothing about the likability of the wine. It just happens with most wine.

The one time I drank red wine, My face swelled until I could not see my ears or any facial features. But, it was really good wine, brought back from some monastery overseas by a person at the dinner, bottled in a bottle that had duct tape around the top by monks or priests or someone in a home operation. It was originally a water bottle of some sorts.

I have a checkered past with trying to drink wine. However, I have never behaved like a dolt.

Mary A. said...

I'm rolling my eyes at her. Sniffing it? who was she trying to impress? Oh yeah -- herself.

Yeah Lady, I went on the inglenook tour too.

As far as a sales strategy? she should have had someone ELSE in her pary play douche-bag.

GentlemanBartender said...

Rougue Wino-
I couldn't agree more, I was a slave for Diageo and then later a Gallo minion. I could hardly sleep at night. If I remember correctly, to be "organic" or the ISO "green", you cant use sulfites. The Boneterra's of the world were trying to use the usual 18 month vintage hold and essentially releasing wines that hadnt been naturally preserved. Totally agree with the old world comment, quick consumption makes matters better, however, none of this takes away from the fact that our BW was abused by such a terrible, terrible mark on the wine world.

Rogue Wino said...

Ah, good distinction to make GM. I was talking about "wine made with organic grapes" which still use preservatives. True organic wines don't use sulfites and can be a little, erm, strange to say the least. You don't see these too often on the market however, outside of whole foods type-retailers, and definitely not often in restaurants. Bitchy's wine was probably of the "organic grapes" variety. Anyhoo

resataurant insurance said...

You see, this may have worked if she were a better actress. I wonder how often she pulls this stunt, not to mention how often she pulls it off!

Anonymous said...

I hope your sister-in-law takes in extra calcium to make up for what the Coke is sucking out of her bones (excessive caffeine = bad)

Sarah Keeley said...

"It's not you, it's the bottle."

Your stomping grapes response CRACKED ME UP!!! Bitchy, I live vicariously through your blogging/venting. Keep up the fantastic work!!