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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Bitchy Waiter ♥'s Katy Perry and 4th of July

Happy Fourth of July to everyone who lives in the United States! For those of you in other countries, it's Wednesday. Yeah, enjoy that. In honor of this special day, I am posting Katy Perry's video for her song Fireworks. Because you know, the Fourth of July usually has fireworks. Get it? And then I can re-post the story I wrote about Katy Perry when I waited on her at "The Restaurant That Shall Not Be Named."

Eat some watermelon, grill some burgers, drink some beers, watch fireworks, celebrate Independence Day! Oh, and if you don't live in the United States, sorry that it's just another Wednesday that you have to get through. At least it's hump day, so get out there and hump something.

from 11/10/10:

Maybe you have heard that I have a new job and that it sucks big hairy donkey balls that have been shaved with a rusty razor. The restaurant is well-known and celebrities seem to flock to the place. In my short week there, I have seen famous chef Wolfgang Puck, famous lesbian finance guru Suze Orman and world renowned pop star Katy Perry. I served Katy Perry on my first day out of training. As if your first day out of training isn't stressful enough, I have to have the managers breathing down my neck to make sure I cater to the every whim of Katy Perry. As it turns out, she was polite, friendly, sweet, down to earth, kind and patient. All the things that my managers are not.

When she sat down with her circle of five friends, I decided I would treat her just like I do every other person in my station: like a person. Because that's what she is. A person. Who eats food. The table ordered and then Katy (I call her Katy, because we're close like that.) asked if we had mashed potatoes. "Um, I know we do for dinner, but I have feeling that we won't have them this early in the day. Lemme check and I'll let you know, okay?" I went up to manager Holly Hobbie and another manager who I have not written about yet (long story short: she's a bitch too.) "I have a table that wants mashed potatoes. Do we have those for lunch?" "No," said Holly Hobbie. "Oh, okay, because Katy Perry was asking-" Other Manager interrupted me. "Oh, is it for Katy Perry? Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes? I will go ask the kitchen if they can make mashed potatoes for Katy Perry since Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes." She zoomed off as if the world's very existence was at stake. Holly Hobbie let her glasses slide down her nose and said, "In the future? You should always say? Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes." (I don't know why so many of these managers say everything as a question, but they do.) Got it. So the next time anyone at lunch asks for mashed potatoes, I should say Katy Perry wants mashed potatoes. Other Manager came back from the kitchen looking like she had just had her stomach punched, completely defeated. "We don't have any mashed potatoes. You'll have to tell Katy Perry we don't have them. I tried, but the chef just doesn't have them. We would try to do it for Katy Perry if we could. Now if Joe Schmo wanted potatoes then..." I finished her sentence for her. "No potato for Joe Schmo!" I laughed and turned to walk back to my station. Other Manager called at me to return. With dead seriousness she said, "I'm serious. No mashed potatoes for Joe Schmo." Wow, she was for real.

I went back to my dear personal friend Katy to break the bad news to her. "Yeah, just as I suspected we only have mashed potatoes at dinner and they're just not ready yet." And how do you think Miss Katy Perry responded? Like a normal person, she said, "Oh, okay. That's totally cool. Just fries then." I always thought I liked that Katy Perry chick and now I know for sure. She's cool. I want to send her a big tub of mashed potatoes from KFC just to say thank you for being a friend.

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Mary A. said...

I remember this post like it was yesterday. And I can totally see Cunty McCunterface looking over her glasses at you.

I wish my boobs could explode like Katy's.

Anonymous said...

Obviously you are gay. So one would think you would be totally against prejudice of any person(s). Kids are people. And like all people, some know how to be appropriate according to their suttoundings and some don't. Most of the time that is due to the parents inability to parent accordingly. So you as the waiter are representing the establishment you work in and it is your job to ask the parents to get their child under control or they will be asked to leave. If every adult in these types of situations continue to deny resposibility then it will not get resolved as children don't have developed brains to know what's appropriate. That's why their kids!

Jill said...

Mashed potatoes are over-rated.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you to an extent. If the noise level is extreme and has been nonstop, yes you have the right to report it to your boss and have him deal with the situation. Calling a child the spawn of the devil and all these other names is kind of pathetic. You were a child once and you most likely weren't saint-like. I don't think you should bring a child who is not even school age to a restaurant because they don't understand what's going on and they have a hard time telling right/wrong.

Anonymous said...

Wait..what? I'm confused. I don't recall children being mentioned in this post. That being said, how incredibly rude of "anonymous" to call children "people"?! ;)