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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hellspawn Tales of the Used To Be Rich and No Longer Famous (Guest Blogger!)

This is a great guest post. It comes from Terry and you can catch his blog at Working Stiff Review. She didn't want to reveal the name of the celebrity but I convinced him to tell me who it was. Sorry, I swore that I would keep it secret. Terry has more morals than I do, because you know I would have outed the bitch. Any guesses?

So I’m working behind the bar a couple of Friday nights ago. Every table in the restaurant is taken, we’re on an hour wait and the only four seats available are at the bar with a complimentary view of the beer tap handles. I’m running like crazy, keeping up with the drink orders for the Servers and the customers sitting at the bar. I’m sweating in places I normally don’t, but the tips are rolling in which is great because rent is due in a couple of days and I’m still a couple hundred short.

Suddenly, like a hot blast of stale air, they parked themselves on the open barstools and began barking orders at me before the standard “Good evening, how is everybody tonight” salutation could escape my lips. The four of them were probably thirty years old – combined – and the smell of entitlement wafted off them and their designer clothes, making it difficult to breathe.

“Hey, change the channel ta the Dodgers game!”

“I needa menu!”

“I want dessert first!”
“Why is it so loud in here?”

“How long before ya put on the Dodgers?”

I lowered my head slightly and peered at them over the top of my glasses, unsure whether to ask them how they escaped from their babysitter or tell them to go fuck themselves, when the shit hit the fan I didn’t even know was blowing my way.

Like most celebrities you see on TV or the big screen, she looked astonishingly unremarkable without the benefit of having been fawned over and preened for hours on end by professional makeup artists. I recognized her as an actress who had won an academy award approximately twenty five years ago, but her star had long since faded and she had been reduced to making a living by appearing on mediocre sitcoms and substanceless dancing and apprentice shows. She had recently been bemoaning to the tabloids about having to pull her four kids out of private school and sell her “modest” house for $900,000 to help settle an unpaid tax debt, and there she was in front of me sporting a full-on crazy face that had “How dare you even think of not letting my precious little darlings run roughshod all over your servant ass” written all over it.

The little darlings continued.

“It’s too cold in here!”

“You aren’t as pretty as the last girl who waited on us!”

“When can we order?”
“How long do we have to wait for our food?”

“Why is it taking you so long to put on the Dodgers?”

Though I tried my damndest, I must have failed miserably at disguising my thoughts of “What karmic law did I break that I have to endure these ridiculous pasty-faced dungflames,” because that’s about the time Former Movie Starlet looked me over without even attempting to mask the disdain she felt having to address the commonfolk as she leaned over the bar and inquired, “Do we have a problem here?” Fuck me and the side of bed I rolled out of. Realizing that this was one Mexican standoff I couldn’t possibly win, I forced my best fake “I hate your guts but have to pretend like I don’t” smile and just as I was beginning to fabricate what a big fan of hers I’ve been all these years, I was interrupted by…

“Your burgers aren’t as good as McDonald’s!”

“Why aren’t we eating yet?”

“You’re sure lucky my dad isn’t here!”

“We’ve been here for about an hour already!”


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Emily Anne said...

She's lucky to not have to hear her kids' whining...

Taschima Cullen said...

Aaw I wanted the story to continue!

Anonymous said...

Too easy...Marlee Matlin

Sarah L said...

I was thinking Jodi Foster at first until you said "you're lucky my dad isn't here" then I thought it was Tatum O'Neil. Both "seem the type" anyways...I wanted to hear more!

Anonymous said...

It's Marlee Fucking Matlin. Academy Award in 87, she was on Dancing With The Stars AND Apprentice, and has tax issues.

If you can't hear your kids, you don't have to worry about what assholes they are, right?

Frank Giannantonio said...

Marlee Matlin? I did some research based on your clues. I never would have guessed she was a B. Did she it like this? "Oo ee av a pwobem heaw?" Fuck her.

JoBo said...

Good one Terry! I wouldn't have guessed it to be Marlee, but anybody can be a douche-canoe right? Good story, I too wanted it to go on... Very BW worthy!

teverton said...

Damn, you motherfuckers are good! Fuck me and my defective cloaking device.

Practical Parsimony said...

She came in with four children that old? How do you get four children that old all together at once?

Funny story. Good job! Now, I want to hear more of the story.

Dew said...

Marlee Matlin is a notorious B-I-T-C-H and she recently had a run-in with the IRS for back taxes.

Anonymous said...

LOL. I never heard of Marlee Matlin and wouldn't reccognize her if she sat on my face, then or now.

However, I'm sure that the reason MY "customers" (I work at a university that starts with the letter H and is located in a city that starts with the letter C) are always acting so entitled and helpless is because they are children of IMPORTANT PEOPLE and are away from their nannies for the first time in their lives. The nature of my job allows me to ignore them or tell them to get out of my way, as I determine necessary, and there isn't anything they can do about it as long as I don't become angry-sounding.

Mary A. said...

I was totally guessing Tatum O'Neal becuase I rented a car to her once and she acted EXACTLY like that.

But I can also believe Marlee Matlin.

Whait -- who is Marlee Matlin again?

Anonymous said...

So you're writing about tweens and teenagers and expecting them to be saints of some sort? Have you not seen or been around kids these days? And as far as the actress goes,, she actually did or didn't say anything but you assumed she was thinking this? BTW, have you never worked in a restaurant or bar before? EVERYONE pretty much treats you as if you're dirt. Why feel the need to point this particular case out unless you're trying to score some points talking smack about the behavior of kids of a celebrity. Big deal.

Practical Parsimony said...

I missed the ages "30 combined." I thought 30 year old kids were acting childish.

Chanel said...

Marlee Matlin is "that" deaf actress. If you know a deaf actress, it is her. She is on Switched at birth and have been on Law and Order SVU.

Jack Jason said...

Jack Jason here, Marlee's "mouthpiece" and sign language interruptor (feeble attempt at humor there). So, I read this blog with interest and wanted to point out some FACTS (as opposed to innuendo). First, what's the big deal with being anonymous? Afraid you'll get fired for telling your version of the "truth?" Secondly and more importantly, where did you find this supposed "truth?" Having intimate knowledge of Marlee and her affairs for the last 27 years, I can tell you a couple of things. 1) Marlee's kids are not, by any means, Dodger fans. They are Cubs fans, just like their good old mom. 2) Marlee hasn't been out with the four kids at once since last summer in NYC. The nature of their ages and such makes it tough to get them all together at the same time. 3) Marlee's would not ever let her kids sit at a bar nor would I think a restaurant's policy allow kids to sit at a bar. 4) Being "Uncle Jack" to her kids, I have NEVER seen them act entitled or drop their dad's presence as some sort of threat (he is a cop but about as low key as one could expect)

As for the other comments on here about Marlee being a bitch, etc, well, that's your opinion. But I seriously doubt you've ever met her or been in her presence when she's helping raise awareness for LGBT rights or raising a million bucks to help deaf kids in developing countries or making appearances on behalf of the numerous charities she supports. And as far as the comment about Marlee being on mediocre sitcoms, well I'll make sure to tell her to do more, seeing as she's got four Emmy nominations for her TV work.

Just my two cents. Now let's see if Bitchy Waiter will step up to the plate and fess up as a means to substantiate the claims made here or just go back to being bitter, party of one.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jack,
BW didn't write this post, as he is on vacation so you can hardly call him bitter.

Being disabled myself i've always been a fan of
Marlee Matlin, but since you are her "mouthpiece" and you sound pretty bitchy yourself, I'm not so sure now

Tonya said...

I honestly didn't think Marlee Matlin was a cunt until reading her "mouthpiece," Jack's comments. Until then, I didn't give a shit one way or the other.

It's called a blind item, Jack. Nobody said it was or was not her. Seeing as how you're an entitled ass, however, makes me believe that she probably is as well.

Ridor said...

Sorry if I'm late to this stuff - I know Jack Jason, I'm Deaf. I can't stand the sight of him - the only way for Marlee to know stuff about Deaf people or community is through Jack - I can tell that Jack controls everything with Marlee. Information that she would like to know about this, that and there - they are probably told by Jack himself. Many Deaf people thought she was talented actress but was frustrated with her because she was totally inaccessible thanks to whom? Jack Jason. So screw him ...