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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Who Doesn't Drink Water?

Anyone who works in the service industry has had their fair share of stupid questions and comments from customers. You certainly do not have to be waiting tables to deal with morons, but if you want a helpin' heapin' servin' of dumb ass comments, then put on an apron and just wait for 'em. Sometimes people say things that I cannot decipher. In other words, it's hard to tell if they are serious or giving me some feeble attempt at humor. This was the case not too long ago.

As I approach table 16 with my pitcher of room temperature water and my attitude of lukewarm smugness, the lady at the table immediately reaches towards her glass. I think she is going to slide it to the edge of the table to make it easier for me to fill, but instead she pulls it closer to her and covers it with her hand. Maybe she knows that I didn't bother to put ice in the pitcher and she is going to ask for cold water or maybe she is one of those people who want to first hold the glass up to the light to inspect it for water spots, lipstick stains and food remnants, which could all very easily be present since I hadn't set that table and given the utensils and glassware my usual eagle eye of approval. (That's funny.)

"No water for me," she says. "Water's gross. Fish swim in it."

Really? Is this lady kidding me? She doesn't drink water because fish swim in it? They also poop in it, reproduce in it and die in it. People pee in it, oil tankers spill in it and factories pour garbage in it. Sea lions get their period in it and spring-breakers who have had too many Coronas throw up in it. The water that is in my pitcher was not just scooped out from the Hudson River nor did it come from Coney Island. It did not come from a pond nor a stream or even a babbling brook. It came from the tap and the last time I checked, there were no fish swimming in the faucet.

"So, no water?" I confirm.

"Blech," she replies while making a face implying that water is the nastiest thing to have ever touched her lips. Looking at her husband, I very much doubt that to be true.

I have had people tell me before they don't want any water and I am happy to oblige because it is one less glass I have to keep my eye on to make sure it's full. Truth be told, even the people who say they love water and will require lots of it don't necessarily get my undivided attention for keeping their glass full. There are other priorities in food service like hot food and frozen drinks and I am referring to my french fries that I keep in the sidestand and the leftover frozen margarita in a to-go cup that I keep next to said french fries.

I could tell she was waiting for a response from me, like maybe she wanted me to be all, "Oh my God, you don't drink water??" or "But water is so good for you!!"

Instead I say, "Okay."

Listen, if you don't want to drink water, it's fine with me. But "fish swim in it" is not a good reason. My sister-in-law doesn't like water. She drinks only Diet Coke. She told me that she drinks nine cans of it a day, which means she probably drinks at least a dozen. The only time water ever makes it into her mouth is when she brushes her teeth, and yes, I too am surprised that she has any teeth to brush. When she goes to bed, she takes a glass of Diet Coke with her and sips it throughout the night. When I asked her why she doesn't drink water, she just said 'I don't like it." Fine. I don't get it, but at least she didn't say some stupid ass bullshit like "fish swim in it."

When it comes time for the lady at table 16 to order, she decides she wants the calamari appetizer and the grilled salmon for dinner. So I guess water is so freaking disgusting because fish swim in it but the fish themselves are so freaking delicious that she eats them anyway. Some customers are so eccentric. And by "eccentric" I mean fucking stupid and annoying.




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18 comments:

KB said...

Too funny. That, I must say is a first. I've had customers smirk and say, "Y'know fish f*ck it" and they drink it anyway, or not. But your lady is an original and your story, of course, made me laugh out loud.

Linda said...

LOL I was waiting for you to tell me you were waiting on Jessica Simpson. :D

Anonymous said...

so what does she drink? everything is made with water ....

:)

Anonymous said...

Well was she just not going to drink anything? As far as I know all drinks are made with some percentage of water.

JiSll said...

OMG. I read this and thought, "This overly dramatic woman sounds JUST like my mother in law." (She even brags my nephew doesn't drink chocolate milk. Like that's some super cool fact. Ugh.) But, we're from Ohio. THEN I realized this whole week they've been in Niagara Falls and then NY. I hope to God this wasn't her. If they were sitting there with my morbidly obese, self-entitled 8 year old nephew...I sincerely apologize!

Anonymous said...

I'm always amused by this one, which, happens surprisingly often.
Me " Can I get you something to drink?"
Customer" No, I'll just have a sprite." .

Anonymous said...

I worked at an Applebee's for 10 years (no need to laugh) Applebee's just about hired any and everyone, including the prisoners from work release. It always meade me laugh when the older folks would come in and say something along the lines of "Can you tell the chef......blah blah blah" Really?? Seriously?? THE CHEF????? You mean the 3 guys we have in the back throwing your steak in the microwave, who are currently on their 6th month of work release????

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

I just KNEW she ordered fish! ROFL!

Great post!

ingrid said...

When she ordered fish you should've said oh my God no ! Fish swim in water! That's disgusting.

Wine Girl said...

I have been managing a wine bar for over 3 years( a move I regret LOL) and while I too am a water nut(and wine), the water crazies drive me batty. Just spent today with 3 bitches who expected to be comped over and over, complained that their glasses were too full, too empty, too....!!They got a free appetizer and then wanted a substitution. It's FREE I told them. I can give you another kind of cheese in addition, but I HAVE to charge you.Annoyed we were out of the FREE snack mix, too. Then more crackers----again have to charge you. They tipped 10% of total( not what it would have been) and then gave me a little lecture about how IF THEY OWNED a bar, they would give out tons of free salty food and that their family owned a bar.You have obviously NEVER worked in service. My bosses consider comping( especially on top of a freebie or comp) stealing.

Michael G DAgostino said...

I bet she was overweight and pimply. Was she overweight and pimply?

Anonymous said...

My mom always said that water is for bathing, wine is for drinking. Thank goodness though, that when we go out, she just tells the server no thank you if they ask her if she would like water.

Mary A. said...

Dude -- I'd rather drink diet coke than water too. And I'd rather suck whipped cream than drink milk. And I'd rather play words with friends than go to work. But I am not 6 years old.

Did you tell her that her body is 98% water? Maybe that's why she smells fishy. Either that or a yeast infection.

Practical Parsimony said...

Hilarious and pathetic. She is not eccentric. She is feigning eccentricity. You just know she feels all special to have such a hoity toity attitude.

When I was about 11, I had a friend over. We were playing baseball instead of Barbies. I suggested we go in my house and get a drink. She got very angry and went home. She accused me of lying when I gave her water and she said I promised her a drink. She thought I meant Coke. Not in my house. When we were thristy, we drank water.

Usually, I get water when eating out because restaurant tea is nasty. I don't drink Coke at a restaurant, only at fast food, maybe.

jnana said...

Hahahah that is so weird!

Erin said...

Okay I'm going to admit, I've been reading your blog for a while now, (found you though "Fuck My Table") and man you make me laugh. I have never waited tables (trust me you do not want to give a klutz like me a tray) but I have the utmost respect for what you do.

I'm a receptionist and I swear I get the weirdest calls, but I turn to your blog to get a chuckle here and there to help lighten my day. So I raise my water glass to you and say cheers!

Anonymous said...

Drink BRAWNDO. It's got ELECTROLYTES!

smalltreats said...

I had a lady tell me a couple days ago she would like a water with no ice, which is certainly a normal requests for different reasons but never has it been because( as she felt the need to give me her reason) she is allergic to ice...WTF does that even mean?? I replied ohhhhh, okayyyyyy...walking away shaking my head! I guess melted ice is non allergic?? Ugh, the stupidy...I dont needa fuckin.reason, I need u to get a clue!!!!!