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Friday, December 30, 2011

How to Impress Your Boss

At my job, we have a newly instituted "Superstar Employee of the Month" contest. We are all supposed to go above and beyond for our guests and make sure we blow them away with good service instead of just blow them in the bathroom like a certain hostess I knew at Bennigan's once. The prize is that your picture goes into a frame and hangs on the wall. If that's the prize, then I am already the grand champion winner in my mom's house, so there. I only work there part time so my chances of being Superstar Employee of the Month are pretty slim. That, coupled with the fact that I am The Bitchy Waiter, pretty much insures I will never have my picture in that frame. When I worked at Houlihan's in Times Square, it was decorated with all that useless vintage crap all over the walls, including headshots of some famous and not so famous actors. When they were doing some remodeling once, my friend Jen and I took the liberty of putting our own headshots into frames and placing them in the stack of things to be replaced on the wall. A few days later, our happy mugs were drilled onto the wall like they were supposed to be there. Volia! We became our own personal Superstar Employees of the Month!

But how can I earn the respect and gain the attention of my boss so my picture can be in that frame now? I mean other than doing a great job, being to work on time, no more leaving early, no longer drinking in the sidestand, finishing my sidework and quitting bitching. I think the best way to show what a great employee I am is to let my customers tell him for me. Since that would only happen if I actually impressed them, there has to be another route. Allow me to introduce to you, my good friend Yelp. Yelp is a wonderful website that allows people to review restaurants so you can check out what you are getting into before you get into it. It is also a great place to log in, create a fake account and praise the hell out of yourself so your boss sees how amazeballs you are.

Many moons ago, before the invention of the Internet, I wrote a letter praising my service and sent it to my friend in Georgia who then mailed it back to my restaurant manager. It got me a $50 gift card to TGIF's and the respect of my co-workers. But why bother with a stamp when you can do it all online? Just log into Yelp and find your restaurant. Read some of the other crap reviews and then devise one of your own. Here is a sample. Feel free to cut and paste:

I loved (name of your restaurant) but I loved my server even more! The food was wonderful and the decor was fine but what made my experience practically orgasmic was the attention given to me by (your name here). It was as if he/she had ESP and knew what I was going to ask for before I even knew I needed it. (Your name here) was always there for me whether it was extra napkins, answering a question or just a dazzling smile. On top of his/her service I must mention the uniform. It was neatly pressed and in perfect shape-no stains or a dirty apron like at so many other restaurants (you can add a name of a competitor if you want to, but it's really all about you so who cares?). The service was top-notch without being too clingy or needy. Perfect, perfect, perfect. This server deserves a pat on the back, a raise and a $150 American Express gift card STAT, lol! Kudos to (your name here)!

If you want to kill two birds with one stone, you can add this part about the least favorite person you work with:

The only issue I had all night was with another server named (insert enemy's name here). I asked her once for more water and she told me "you're not in my station." I was horrified that someone could be so rude, so lazy and have such an odd body shape. Her head is clearly too big for the rest of her body and it's very disturbing. And is that a hump on her back? What the hell? I happened to be in the restroom when (enemy's name here) was doing a very noisy number two and she did not wash her hands when she was finished. I also know she didn't even bother to wipe because I was in that stall first and left it when I saw no toilet paper. She is a horrible person. The only thing that erased the memory of that skank ho, was my experience with (your name here). Thank you (name of restaurant)! I will be back as long as I can sit in (your name here)'s station and that other server is either fired, asked to remain in the kitchen or sent back to the SPCA from which she came.

Once you are done, click submit and then just wait for the praise. (For the record, I have not ever done this because my bosses would see right through it and call me out on it in a second. Okay, I totally did do it. Once. No, I'm just kidding, I haven't. But I did. Not really.)

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Bill Dameron said...

Hilarious! I always wondered if people were praising their own restaurants/hotels/etc. I read a review once that said the hotel cleaning staff boys were "preternaturally beautiful". They were hideous. It was dissapointing. Come to think of it, that review might have been sarcasm.

Cat M said...

That is too funny!!

Biki said...


to damned funny!

Practical Parsimony said...

Very good. I wonder why I did not think of some of these things long ago. But, there was no internet with good ideas.

watergirl said...

While I doubt the comment section will allow img-src tags, here's the Superstar Employee plaque that you most *definitely* deserve!

Ahh, I checked via preview: not allowed. Well then, here's the direct link to it!

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