Yes, We Know You Want COLD Beer, Asshole

Everyone wants their beer to be cold. It's pretty much expected. That's why there are signs in front of bars that say "Ice Cold Beer!" If the signs said "Luke-warm Beer!" or "Room Temperature Beer!" nobody would want to go to that bar. That's why it's so annoying when people order a beer from me and then always add the extra "a cold one." Really, sir? You want a cold beer? Thank you for clarifying so I didn't bring you the one that was just came out of the oven. Last week, a man ordered a beer and then gave me a very specific instruction. "Can you get it from the back of the refrigerator and make sure it's the coldest one?" Little did he know, every beer in the reach-in had been in there since the night before so they were all the same temperature. What he also didn't know is that I don't have the time or physical dexterity to get on my knees and reach all the way to the back just to get the "coldest one." My fingers do not have super sensitive thermostats on them allowing me to determine which bottle is a tenth of a degree colder than another one. The last thing he didn't know is that I don't fucking care.

His table was pretty close to the bar so I knew he would be watching to see if I really reached all the way to the back or not when retrieving his beer. I squatted down and grabbed the first bottle of beer I touched but made sure to rattle it against other beer bottles so the clinking sound would register with him as me reaching all the way to the back to get that ice cold beer he wanted. I placed it on his table. "This one is really cold," I told him. "My fingers are freezing!" He took a sip and gave me the "thumbs up" to let me know it met his expectations. I wonder what he thought I would do if he gave me a "thumbs down." Later, I saw his bottle was almost empty. "Sir, would you like another beer?"

"Yes, I would. Can you make sure you get the coldest one for me?" Really? So he has to reiterate that he wants a cold beer? I am so happy he reminded me because I had just put a six pack of beer into a pot of boiling water and I might have accidentally given him one of those had he not refreshed my memory that he wanted cold beer. After all, a whole fifteen minutes had passed by and I had completely forgotten his special instructions. He told me again. "Just get the bottle that's all the way in the back, thanks."

Again, I jingle-jangled the bottles as I pulled the beer from the front of the reach-in. "Here you are, sir. I think this one is even colder than the first one!" He took a swig and gave me the customary thumbs up. I gave him the imaginary finger.

Customers, we know you want your beer to be cold. We also know you want your coffee to be hot. There is no need to verify these things because that is how everyone wants them. We are not going to really test ten different bottles of beer to see which one we think might be the coldest one. Same thing with the coffee. The only time your coffee will be "extra hot" is when you are particularly annoying and your server will feel the need to take your cup of coffee and put it in the microwave for two minutes so it's a big cauldron of scorching java that will hopefully scald your face off when you take a sip. Yes, I have done that. If I had a sub-zero super freezer I would do the same thing with that bottle of beer that you want to be "extra cold." I would love to serve your bottle encased in a block of ice and say "I wanted to make sure your beer was as cold as possible, so here's an ice pick."

Maybe I'm just too easily annoyed, but then again if I wasn't, I wouldn't be The Bitchy Waiter. We can just add "extra cold beer" to my list of least favorite things.