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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Offended by a Butter Packet

Times are hard out there with the economy being what it is, and restaurants are having to find new ways to make more money. I get it. Tomatoes are more expensive so you can't be giving out that free chips and salsa like you used to do, fine. Surely there are people out there who try to make a whole dinner out of that free basket of chips and it's time to start charging Freddie Freeloader. However, I went for breakfast last week and when I saw a certain charge on my check, I was very surprised. Who in the hell charges for butter? Cheap ass bitch restaurant owners who think I want to eat a fucking dry ass scone, that's who.

The cafe is a place I have frequented many times. The waitress was sweet and efficient and I don't blame her for anything, but it pissed me off. I ordered a cranberry scone and yes I wanted it toasted and buttered. Doesn't everyone? Who would order a scone any other way? That's like ordering toast and being asked if I want it to be toasted. “Yes, I want it toasted. If I didn't want it toasted, I would have asked for bread.” I was not told that butter would be an upcharge, but there it was on my check: fifty cents. It's not like I asked for a scone dipped in gold or sprinkled with diamonds. I just wanted some goddamn butter. I paid the bill without bitching about it, but mark my words: I will never go there again. Fifty cents for butter? I was so angry that oleo was dripping from my ears. (Full disclosure: it wasn't oleo, it was vodka. And It wasn't dripping from my ears. It was seeping from my pores.)

I have never ordered a case of butter packets but I am pretty sure that a box of butter packets comes in a quantity of 300. That means that Greedy McGreed Greed is making $150 on every box of butter packets when he probably paid about$7.38 according to a Sam's Warehouse website. That is margarine madness, I tell you! Mr Cafe Owner, I am ashamed of you. And Paula Deen is even more upset because charging that much for butter is a down-right sin.

I left the cafe after resentfully paying the additional fifty cents but here I am days later still pissed off about it. If I was teenager, I would want to go egg his store but since I am a fully grown mature adult, what I will probably do is go to his restaurant one night and smear the windows with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. That would be much more apropos for the situation, don't you agree? Have you ever cleaned butter from a pane of glass? Yeah, me either but I bet it's a pain in the ass.

I understand that the cafe owner has to make ends meet, so I offer these other suggestions for him to earn some extra cash:

  • He can add a "Baby Tax" to all those who come in with a child. More than once I have gone in there only to be surrounded by strollers and moms so why not take advantage of those breeders and tack an extra five bucks on them?
  • He could always order some cheap ass silicone bracelets and then charge $3.00 for them.
  • Charge extra for things that people are used to paying extra for like cream cheese and bacon, not butter. Butter is expected.
  • If he really wants to make some extra money on the butter, he could invest in some butter-flavored lip balm so people can rub it across their scone and then take it home with them when they are done.
  • Just raise the price of the fucking scone so I don't see what a cheap ass you are by charging me fifty cents for butter, you tight wad twat.

If you'll excuse me, I am going to go to my fridge now and tell the sticks of butter how much I love and appreciate them. Has anyone else seen a restaurant that charges for butter on toast or a scone? C'mon, say it ain't so.

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Carey Blueberry said...

I love you so very much, and I haven't even been a server since the early 90's. I'm glad I saw Dr. Phil that fateful, fateful day. <3

SlumSlut said...

I got charged 50 cents for the rocks in my Jameson earlier this year. Wasn't told about the up-charge either - saw it on the check. Since then, just to make it easier for all of us, I only order one shot and drink the rest from a metal flask i carry in my pocket.

At a different establishment from the one mentioned above, a friend tried to do the same and was told "We don't DO shots here, but i'll make an exception for you just this one time" by the bartender." THey probably ccharge for the cup, and for the air you breathe as soon as you walk in.

California Girl said...

No! Jesus! God! and the 12 Apostles. What else oh Lord, what else?

Anonymous said...

I love this blog but I'm extremely offended by the title of this post. You were raped by a butter packet? Really?

Did you ever think that maybe one of your readers has been raped and that this is extremely triggering for them? It's insulting and offensive towards rape survivors and just contributes to rape culture which says that "oh hey rape lolz!".

Seriously not cool.

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Yes, I have changed the title. Sorry to have been so rude. I really regret that.

Kelly said...

I didn't see the original title nor have I ever been raped. But I have been assaulted and had a knife to my neck and I don't break down and get all psychotic when I see the word "assault' or "knife" in print. It's your blog and you should say whatever you want anyway you want and if someone is "too sensitive" about it, then they shouldn't be reading anything online. Don't change your blog because of the opinion of one asshole.

Now, as for being charged for things I wasn't informed it would be an up charge. That happened to me over the Summer. I ordered waffles and fresh fruit and was asked if I wanted this sweet dipping dressing sauce thingy for the fruit, but they didn't say it was extra when it said it on the menu it came with it. I got the bill and there it was $2.95 for the sauce. Oh, and I never even got the damn thing.

Caveman said...

You were raped by a butter packet! Financially at least. What was the original title and why on earth did you change it for the sake of an over sensitive reader with absolutely no sense of humor?
Anyway, I can one up you. A new bar opened up in my area and I have been there three times now. Each time, the bartender added drinks to my tab that I didn't have. I will never go in there again and have told everyone I know about that crooked joint. If that bartender shows up at my bar, he is definitely in for a surprise when he gets his tab!

Vicki said...

We don't charge for butter at our restaurant, but we do charge for lemons in water...we were spending a lot of money on lemons just to watch our cheap ass customers put them in our filtered water and add sugar...sorry buddy, but I'm not in business to give you a buy one/get one free pancake dinner and then have you steal from me...and that is how I take it--you are already getting something for free so why do you think you deserve free lemons and sugar to top it all off?

Anonymous said...

You aren't doing anyone a favor by not saying something. The charge should have been on the menu or at least stated by the server. You're right - who the hell wants toast or a scone dry? Ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE my $3 silicone bracelet! Thanks Bitchy!!

K. said...

That was really cool of you to change the title. I usually don't comment, but your sensitivity in that matter blew me away. Thank you for knowing that "bitchy" doesn't equal "douchey".

Nicci said...

Bahahaha! Shut the Front Door I love this post! $.50 for butter, it's effin ridiculous. It's BUTTER people. That shit should be sitting in a bowl in the middle of the table next to the salt and pepper. And mayo packets - 'cuz this girl loves her mayo.

We posted a Butter Rant on our blog last April except we're not anonymous and we totally named names. That little posted generated some 60 comments that ranged from love to pure hate. For awhile after we couldn't enter a restaurant without people putting big sticks of butter on our table. Funny stuff. (

Yours in butter love,


Anonymous said...

I FULLY support baby/child taxes! If people have to deal trip over those SUV strollers, deal with your brat SCREECHING, running around like wild animals then you the parents should be charged a baby/child taxes.

AGL said...

Really Bitchy?! Anon was "really offended" by the title--So, you changed it?! WTF?! You must be getting soft in your ol' age-- Humoring over-sensitive simpletons. tisk.tisk.

Every-time I pay my tab at a restaurant I feel as if I have been ass-raped over piddly-lil-charges. Once, I was charged 75cents for syrup on my pancakes!! Unless we stand up and say, "I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore" then we might as well start getting use to the idea that toilet-paper dispensers will be coin operated, napkins will cost extra, and eating utensils will have a dish-washing charge.

P.S. Anon needs to lather up the stick-up-her ass with a pat of butter and pull it out.

HearMonicaRoar said...

Thank you, bitchy waiter, for changing the name of the blogpost. It shows a sensitivity most of these commenters appear to be lacking.

And thank you anon for pointing it out.

To the dipshit commenters lacking sensitivity:

Here's an excerpt from an article on a slightly different subject (rape jokes, as opposed to just an inappropriately used adjective) that explains the issue quite nicely:

"Being triggered does not mean "being upset" or "being offended" or "being angry," or any other euphemism people who roll their eyes long-sufferingly in the direction of trigger warnings tend to imagine it to mean. Being triggered has a very specific meaning that relates to evoking a physical and/or emotional response to a survived trauma.

To say, "I was triggered" is not to say, "I got my delicate fee-fees hurt." It is to say, "I had a significantly mood-altering experience of anxiety." Someone who is triggered may experience anything from a brief moment of dizziness, to a shortness of breath and a racing pulse, to a full-blown panic attack.

A survivor of sexual violence who experiences a trigger is experiencing the same thing as a soldier who experiences a trigger, potentially even including flashbacks. Like many soldiers who return from war, many survivors of sexual violence are left with post-traumatic stress disorder.

Unlike soldiers, however, they are not likely to receive much sympathy, or benefit from attempts to understand, when they are triggered. Instead, triggered survivors of sexual violence are dismissed as oversensitive, as hysterics, as humorless, as weak.

Well. Trivializing the concerns of a person whose traumatic experience of sexual violence has been triggered is a legitimate response. But it's not a very kind or decent one."

Anonymous said...

The restaurant where I work does not serve complimentary bread, but we can bring out rolls for a charge of $0.50 a roll. People look shocked when we say we don't give out bread for free. "How DARE you not bring me free shit immediately?!?!?" It's insane. We are not required to give you free shit!!

On the other hand, butter seems like a given to me.

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