A Very Bitchy Christmas

Christmas is almost upon us and sometimes we need to take a moment to think about what the holiday season is all about. As you know, I have a close personal relationship with Jesus. He spoke to me last night while I was on the 7 train. I don't mean that He spoke to me through prayer or in a vision. I mean He actually sat down next to me and we had a conversation. The train was really crowded, but he squeezed his holier-than-thou ass all up into my space and started talking to me. He had several bags from Macy's and Best Buy in His possession so he seemed like he was almost done with his Christmas shopping. He mentioned to me that he got his Mom a gift certificate to Bliss Spa because she always gets so stressed out this time of year. Anyhoo, He asked me to remind people of a few things regarding his birthday so I pass this on to you as the word of God:

• If you go to a restaurant with a large group of people to exchange gifts, do not leave all that discarded wrap there on the floor for the server to clean up. It's rude.
• You don't have to just say "Happy Holidays." If you want to say "Merry Christmas," just say it. This country is too caught up in not offending each other yet we continue to be one of the most offensive countries in the world. (He's looking at you, Kardashian Clan.) If someone isn't celebrating Christmas and they get pissed off that you told them to have a nice one, they'll get over. It's not the end of the world. (That is coming right up, by the way, so repent, sinners.)
• Take a little time to enjoy The View.
• He wants you to stop with the fake money as a tip. It's giving Him a bad name and he does not appreciate it.
• Just because someone goes to church on Christmas and Easter does not give them the right to judge others, so stop it.
• He wanted me to tell you that he does not give a shit about same-sex marriage. "Love is love," he said. He also told me that he does not have time to deal with it and it is really low on his priority list. It's right under people who pray to win the lottery and/or get laid.
  
• He wants you to know that people who tip 25% get on the express elevator to Heaven, so keep that in mind the next time you eat out.
• Grass-fed reindeer is not as good as it sounds.
  
• If you are giving gifts this season, enough with the gift cards. He said to take a few minutes and really think about what someone would like. Don't just give another lame-ass $50 gift card to the Gap. Put some thought into it and stop being so Goddamn (His word, not mine) lazy.
• You don't have to go to church to have ever-lasting life. Be good to people and treat them nicely and you will ensure yourself a future of rewards. He told me that Karma is a bitch and He should know; Karma is his second cousin twice removed on his Father's side.
• It is better to give than to receive but that doesn't mean it's wrong to want. Wanting something sometimes makes you work harder to achieve it, so go for it.
• You don't always have to pray at a restaurant. It makes the server uncomfortable sometimes. Just a simple "Hey, thanks for the food, Heavenly father" will suffice.
• Stop being Him for Halloween.
• He really does like Santa Claus, it's just that sometimes he gets a little jealous of all the attention St. Nick gets. Who can blame Him? I mean here it Jesus' birthday and Santa is like that fat kid at the birthday party who eats more cake than anyone else.
  

There you have it. I took a picture of Him with my cell phone but it came out all blurry so I Googled that image if Him when he was a baby. Such an adorable baby, He was. So very Anglo-Saxon.

Below, I am sharing a video that I think captures the true meaning of Christmas. I sang this song last week at a benefit for kids with HIV because I am not always a total bitch. Just most of the time. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Good Kwanzaa, Happy Solstice or whatever the hell it is you are celebrating this week! And do me a favor: share this, like it or whatever. Thanks!

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