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Friday, July 30, 2010

Can't Take My Eye Off Of You

So I don't know if I have mentioned this or not or even if anyone gives a shit, but I am not waiting tables for a couple of weeks because I am too busy being an actor. That's right. Someone is paying me to put on silly costumes and act a fool up on a stage. This has been the summer of not waiting tables because I have been lucky enough to go from show to vacation to show. Never fear though, because in a couple of weeks I will again have a pen and pad in my hand, an apron around my waist and a razor blade next to my wrists. My show opened last night and to celebrate (and to work off the hangover) I took myself to breakfast this morning in lovely Maryland.

My waitress was Nancy who was great. She had obviously been waiting tables for a long long time. I can imagine her taking orders on a stone tablet with a hammer and chisel when the special of the day was roasted Brontosaurus burgers with a side of Dodo bird. I ordered my breakfast (cheddar and bacon omelet, home fries, rye toast and Pepsi) and it came out moments later. No sooner had I taken the first bite when my gaze fell upon something that took away my appetite and nearly had the tequila from the night before coming up for a visit. No, it wasn't a roach or a mouse or anything so ordinary. It was another waitress. But this waitress appeared to have only one eye. Wait, what? A one-eyed fucking waitress? This lady's left eye looked like it had simply called it quits on that bitch and the skin grew right over it. I kid you not. She saw me looking at her (well, half saw me) and I looked the other way. Now how the hell am I supposed to eat my way through a hangover when I got Cyclops Sally eyeing me down? She walked away but I kept staring at her wanting to make sure that I was not imagining that a woman with purple/grey skin covering her eye had just served food to a table. I think somewhere in Maryland there is an actual pirate museum. Why didn't this lady swing down to the gift shop and pick up an eye patch for $1.99 so diners didn't have to be grossed out every time she attempted to make eye contact? How do you make eye contact with that? I guess it's easier than trying to make eye contact with a lazy eye because in that case you have to make a choice about which eye you want to look at. In this case the choice was made for us: we look at the one eye that is not rotting. I said a little thank you prayer to Martha, the patron saint of waiters for allowing me to have Nancy as my server and not Captain Hook over there in the other station.



I finished my meal with my head down so I didn't accidentally catch the gaze of Ol' One Eyed Wilma. As I went up to pay my check, she was standing there next to the register. She smiled and I said good morning. I wondered how she lost her eye and thought about how much it would cost to stick a marble up in there and pull an old Sammy Davis, Jr or Sandy Duncan. I felt like I should give her some money because in New York City when you see someone like that, they usually have a styrofoam cup in their hand asking for handouts. But she just told me to have a nice day. She seemed nice and friendly and like a really sweet person. I could just tell. I could see it in her eye.

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16 comments:

A Chicago Blogger said...

F'n HILARIOUS!!!!!!

"This lady's left eye looked like it had simply called it quits on that bitch " - HA HA HA!!!!!

Micael Chadwick said...

Oh dear Gawd in Hell... I shouldn't find this as funny as I do but I can't quit laughing.

I feel damp. I think I peed.

Lynn Sponagle said...

Haha! OMG! Hahahaha! You insensitive prick! Hahahaha!

Kalei's Best Friend said...

I am surprised u didn't choke on your omelet! lol... BTW good for the one eyed waitress- she's obviously secure in her skin and one eye... Bet she had a good laugh after u left... She probably liked the shock she gave...

Decubitus said...

So having a disability is funny?

Guy said...

I had a good friend whose husband left her after their second child was born. She managed to raise her kids and put them through college waiting tables, in spite of being partially paralyzed from cerebral palsy. When we worked together, some of the corporate executives were looking for a way to fire her because they didn't like the way she looked. I'm glad I defended her because she was a great waitress.

I don't think the problem is so much with the woman's physical impairment as it is with your own squeamishness. Likely the people in New York who wait with a styrofoam cup for handouts from you (and you sound like you're always generous) are doing that because people like you are too uncomfortable with them working for a living. Making jokes about someone's handicap is one helluva lot more disgusting than ANY physical deformity. At least she has the option of covering hers up with an eye patch. Your kind of ugliness goes so much deeper.

The Ranters Box said...

This post is brillant! I love how you have the ability to draw your readers into your story - fly on the wall style. It is obvious that while you are hilarious you are also a decent and compassionate person. There was actually a valuable message at the end of your post had any of the dissers bothered to notice. My motto is draw them in with humor and slip in a a valuable point to ponder for later. So, until you tell me otherwise Bitchy Waiter, I believe there is so much more to you than bitchiness. xo

www.rantersbox.blogspot.com

A Chicago Blogger said...

Hm. I think GUY took this post to heart. Maybe GUY is missing an eye? or his funny bone?

lolamouse said...

Maybe she doesn't use a patch so she can turn over tables more quickly! Congrats on landing another role-I can't believe your Bitchiness is less than an hour away from the bumf*** town where I live! Oh please tell me what show you're appearing in-I promise I won't stalk you!

文吳云 said...

No pains, no gains..................................................................

Terra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Levonne said...

Well...you made me laugh out loud again! How do you think like you do? What a gift!

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Okay, okay. I read this one again and I concur it is really mean. Now I feel all bad and shit.

One super sweet flowery post coming up...

BELLASTELLAGIRL said...

Ouch! Once again you have made me see the world through alien eyes -like the way no-one escapes your acerbic wit, even those that carry clouds. Scary.

Experimental Charlie said...

For a bitchy person, you have a great sense of humor! I also suffer with physical deformity that everyone can see but I try to keep a positive outlook on life.

Every time I wear a tight shirt, two huge (well, modest size C) lumps project outwards, bouncing every time I walk. You might thing it ugly, but sometimes when I am excited two little pointy ends stick out further.

Men are always looking at my chest, especially when my shirt dips lower than proper. I try not to care, I can see how distracting my lumps are.

This is all tongue-in-cheek, of course. I loved your post; in fact, I might be in love with you (not). Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Before I clicked the link, I was honestly about to email you and offer a place to stay in the Annapolis area should you be back again. I clicked the link to see where you ate and was sadly disappointed at this ignorant post. She should cover her eye because you're uncomfortable. You freakin' faggot. And, yes, I am also family but you deserve to be called an ugly, horrible name for this insensitive post. Fuck you and your blog. I hope you lose a leg which would mean no waiting tables, you sorry fuck.