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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I Hate Kids, Part 525,600

I am on vacation so you are forced to read this old tired summer rerun of a post. If I can pull myself away from the cocktails, I will write something new. In the meantime, this is all there is. My apologies.

The Bitchy Waiter

I may have found my new hero. Someone sent me a story (holla out to Bonnie) about a something that happened somewhere called Hallifax West Yorkshire in England-land. The link is at the bottom of the page but here is the gist of it written in a much more entertaining way and with much worse grammar.

Some family went to the grand opening of a Mexican restaurant and brought with them, as parents are apt to do, their two-year old child, Molly. Jeez, do parents have to take their kids everywhere? It's so annoying. The parents were obviously pretty stupid because they were going to a Mexican restaurant. In England. What the fuck is that? Chicken enchiladas with a side of scone? And English Breakfast margaritas? Whatever. I guess the restaurant was really slammed, or as they say in the Queen's English, "bartle bagged." (I totally made that up.) The family had to wait a long time for their food and I guess (say this with a Cockney accent) the lit'le tyke got a might impatient waitin' for 'er food and threw a bit o' a 'issy fit. (You can stop with the Cockney accent. You're really bad at it.) The article doesn't say exactly what Molly did other than get a bit "moany" and "grumbly" but I am pretty sure I know how she behaved. She wanted to wander around the restaurant and get in people's way and annoy other people who do not have kids. When her "mum" made her sit down, Molly began to scream at the top of her lungs and throw sugar packets and bread pudding spoons all over the fucking place. When the dad threatened to spank her arse, she cried until the food finally arrived making the waiter and every table around her hate dear sweet adorable Molly.

When they got the check they noticed at the bottom of it that something had been typed in underneath the food. It said, "thankyyou littell fucker." Now even though there are some points deducted for spelling, it is clear what was being said. The check called Molly a little fucker. Bravo! Hear ye hear ye! My hero. This server is Queen of all Bitchy Waiters. Capital B. Capital W. Understandably, the family got in a tizzy for insulting their little precious bundle of cunt and demanded an apology and blah blah blah blah. I am sure they got the apology and probably a free order of fish n chips quesadillas too. The sad thing is the person responsible for the "offensive" remark got fired. Or "sacked" as they say they across the pond. The server was just speaking the truth. Had she lived in America maybe she could have stood behind the freedom of speech and all that crap, but seeing that she lived in jolly old England, they fired her British ass. Hopefully, that server will move on to her next position having learned something from her mistake. You can never insult the customer. What I mean is you can never insult the customer where they will find out about it. Say it in the kitchen, write on your pad, think it in your head. Do not print it on their check. Amateur.


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JillyAn said...

I am laughing hysterically here. People are nauseatingly enamoured with their ill-behaved progeny and simply cannot comprehend that the rest of us are NOT! As they say (in the best Cockney accent)...ere now, shut yer bloody gob for bleedin Christ's sake. 'Ooh told ya to breed in the first place...wankers!

Queen of the Rant said...

I cant say its Molly's fault, I think it is the responsibility of the parents to teach their children manners, and they should be the ones who are embarressed and belittled, wait til she is 21 years old....

The Ranter's Box said...

Yeah, the server was indeed an amatuer but I admire the spunk in saying/writing what the entire fricking restaurant was thinking. If parents can't control their heathen children then they have no business bringing them out in public. Maybe next time the parents should check Molly's bratty little ass into a kennel and let her stay with the rest of the animals!! ; )

Donda said...

Honestly, I would be pissed if I got a scribbling on my bill like that. But not for the reason you think. I would be pissed that capital B capital W insulted my intelligence. Do you not think I know I have a little pisshead for a kid? I better get some fish n chips!!

California Girl said...

I actually read the article you linked. It read a little different from yours. Hahahaha! They are "no longer accepting comments" etc.

I cannnot read your blog within several hours of eating out or I'm on the lookout now...jeez, like I wasn't bad enough before. You are a funny boy and yes, yours is much more amusing1

Enjoy your vaca..

FemgineerFatale said...

The poor spelling killed it for me. That just makes her sound a bit dumb.

zeebee said...

Lol, 'fish and chip quesadillas' ... we just got a taco bell, it's like the US one but a little more shitty. Like if the taco's were made of cardboard.

But yeah, my money's on the server wanting to be fired. And she was probably on her last strike. You know, like baseball (or here, rounders).

Anonymous said...

Little brat AND her parents needed a good slap and waiter a raise!

DaydreamBeliever said...

"Chicken enchiladas with a side of scone? And English Breakfast margaritas?"

Now that's just clever. Love it.

Keda said...

Or at least insult the customer verbally, that way, you can deny you ever said anything. like they do in the movies: did you just call my daughter a little fucker? what?! No. I said little tucker. And then make sure your best friend waiter is standing nearby to agree and the people at the surrounding tables (who already hate the little fucker) will also agree when they see that it's they way the tide is flowing. It works on screen, with enough drama I am sure you could pull it off.


Never having visited the States, I have very little knowledge of the American provinces and their regional dialects, so would not expect those outside the UK to know this. However, the Halifax (Yorkshire) accent is so far removed from the London Cockney accent we could almost be talking in a different language.

Honest. I have been to Yorkshire and when lost, understood none of the directions a man gave me.

Still, it's nice to know people can be just as horrid all round the world.

Decubitus said...

What the shit. We have more than one accent in England you know, and people in Halifax are NOT cockney! That's on the same level of retard as saying EVERYONE in America talks like a redneck or a barbie. And also, we're not still living in the Victorian era... it REALLY annoys me when people stereotype without knowing the first thing about it.
= unfunny.

Also, the article you cite is The Daily Mail, which isn't exactly gospel. These are the people that said the movie "Kick Ass" condoned child murder and was a visual fest for paedophiles.

So yeah, if it's actually true, then props to the waiter...Even though I agree it's down to the parents.

Anonymous said...

Wake up America! There is more than one accent in the United Kingdom. Halifax (Yorkshire) and London (Cockney) are about two hundred miles apart. Of course they don't have the same accent!

But yes, that little fucker should have had a smack. I agree she was a little fucker, but writing it on the bill (for the love of God not "check") isn't very clever. Your superiors aren't going to be very sympathetic about it, howver annoying the little shit might be.

But get your facts right before you start being rude about England (as opposed to Scotland or Wales). It's all we ask.