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Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Great White Bitchy Waiter

As I have mentioned before, I am not waiting tables right now but that certainly does not mean I can't find things to bitch about. As The Bitchy Waiter, I allow my bitchiness to spill into other areas of my life regardless of how many shifts I have that particular week. When I am a customer, I am The Bitchy Waiter and when I am pissed off about the 7 train I am The Bitchy Waiter. I bitch, therefore I am. Aristotle said that once when he picked up his toga from the dry cleaner and the wine stain was still there. I try to live my life like Aristotle because he was Greek or Roman or some shit and he invented algebra. I think. Or maybe that was Pythagoras. Maybe Aristotle was the one who diddled little boys. Whatever. The point is I like to bitch. (This is your cue, Anonymous, to comment that I need to get a real job and quit complaining.)

I was at the beach a few days ago because someone thought it was a good idea to put me in a play that was performing in a beach town in Delaware and all I have to do is sing and dance a few hours every night. It gives me my days free to do important stuff like read the Internet, blog, and sit on a towel whilst watching the crashing waves. I was meandering down the coastline being quite happy and thankful when I saw a couple of kids playing in the surf. They were having such a good time. A brother and sister I suppose. As they ran from the waves they were laughing and screaming and I imagined what they would be like if they were in my station. I pictured the mess they would leave and the attention they would need and they brought me down a peg on my contentment level. I stood there and watched them for a minute. I thought about how many times I am perfectly fine at work until a kid comes into my station and ruins my day and it made me angry. These kids were entirely too happy and I decided that they too needed to be brought down a peg. I walked towards them as they ran from the waves. When I got within earshot of them I said, "Did you hear about the great white shark?" They froze and their eyes widened but they didn't say anything. "I saw it a few minutes ago. Just be careful, alright kids? Sharks are scary." My work there was done. I continued my walk a few yards and turned around to look at the tiny tots. They were standing right where I left them and just staring out at the water but not in the water. I gave them a raised eyebrow and a smile and went my merry way. I felt better.

Kids. I hate 'em.

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25 comments:

Sara said...

Hahahaha! I must say even as a 16-year-old I too have been tempted to bring down with a flourish the happiness of a child. Maybe next time I should give in to that temptation. Yes? No?

Chrissy said...

SCORE 1 FOR THE WAITER! LOL.....That reminds me when my son at day camp was at the beach w/his group and he yelled 'shark' oh boy he got time out and hell for yelling that...LOL

♥mily said...

lol. that is hilarious. poor kids.

Beth said...

Wow. Way too funny!I don't know if I want to scold you or bow down to you. :)

They were most likely from a land locked state like Iowa and Kansas and experiencing the ocean for the first time. When you decided to steal their once every five year opportunity to play in the water. I think I love it.

All time low for you bitchy waiter. :)I hate kids. Infact, I am ashamed I ever was one.

Name: female, not even with a capital F. I shit you not! said...

Ya didn't....did ya?
Giggling just the same.

emiliee.x3 said...

its funny, since i did the exact same thing to my little sister when we were in florida. i hate kids too. you're a genius.

Levonne said...

That reminds me of what I said some kids at the campground the other day. They were running behind our RV, into our private campground host area. I yelled, "Watch out for Harry the Blue Heron." One little boys eyes got big as he asked, "Does he eat people?" I said, "Well I know that he eats squirrels." I left it at that. I'm not as bold as you Bitchy Waiter but of course the implication was made!

Mary A. said...

Wow. You're an asshole.

Can't wait to read you tomorrow!

RiseRealizeReform said...

lol that's horrible!!!! xD

Jane said...

LOL LOL LOL.

Jane

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Too mean? I think not...

FrothyGirlzCJ said...

I've enjoyed the last few kid posts tres mucho. I have two little lunatics of my own. Here is my column from a few months ago on How Having Kids Ruins Everything. No really, everything. Seriously.
http://frothygirlz.com/2010/04/27/in-the-weeds-five-reasons-that-having-kids-ruins-everything/

Chrissy said...

U mean? naw, that means I'm mean..lol

Rebecca said...

man,do you hate kids so much because you secretly want kids of your own but cant find someone to committ? that was horrible.

Kelly said...

Jesus, Rebecca. Just because someone doesn't like kids and/or share your values doesn't mean he has problems with commitment. People who don't want children and don't want to be around them aren't all fundamentally flawed and harboring a "secret" need to reproduce.

And who says you get to define what "commitment" is? Our lovely Bitchy Waiter is pursuing acting, and to make ends meet in between jobs he's waiting tables. He's also hellbent on bitching, and is very good at it. How is that not "commitment?" Or is it just committing to the wrong thing?

What's funny is that he just wrote a post about people like you and another commenter who seems to think that the only "worthwhile" topic is family (http://thebitchywaiter.blogspot.com/2010/06/boring-blog.html). It's wonderful that you popped out a couple of kids or whatever, but don't go around thinking you're psychologically superior to those of us who haven't and don't want to.

MK said...

Haha! Poor kids! Hats off to you!

Rebecca said...

I didn't say he couldn’t commit. I said he couldn't find someone to commit. Thus the harbored anger against kids at the beach who were doing nothing to him except having the time of their life. most people when walking past a scene like that would feel happy and the thought of it would bring you back to your own childhood memories... hmmm maybe he hates kids because he had a bad childhood? I don’t know, but the need to be cruel to young kids is really strange.
And by the way, I don’t think the only thing family is the only worthwhile thing to blog about. I actually laugh out loud at most of his posts. He is really funny, and talented at what he does. I am just trying to figure out what this hatred of children is all about. :)

The Bitchy Waiter said...

Let me clear something up. I do not harbor a need to have kids. If I wanted them, I would have them. I was playing a little joke on some kids at the beach. The same way I stick my tongue out at a kid on the train when their parents aren't looking. It's not like I poisoned them or anything. Jeez. (I'll never do that again. It really ruined my week the last time.)

karenstacy said...

Dear Bitch,(? how do I address you?)
I love this story and do you know that you caused that mother to have something to blog about? Love it you make the world go around. You set things even in the world.
thanx for that

FemgineerFatale said...

Oh shame! You're such a meany. Funny though.

I love the bit about Aristotle.

FemgineerFatale said...

Just read the other comments. Jeez, people. Enough with the psycho-analysis. Is any of you even a psycologist? Just read the sh1t and laugh, for goodness sake. And if you don't like it, stop following it?

Queen of the Rant said...

haahhaha I have this nasty thing about me where I laugh at kids when they fall, I know it is mean but I cannot help it, unless they really hurt themselves then I try to hold it in, but that initial trip or fall, I burst out laughing, what is wrong with me, its not just kids either, this poor guy fell off his bike and before I could ask if he was okay I laughed hysterically????

Lauren said...

So funny! kinda mean, but not to the point that these commenters should be chastizing you for it. damn, people are way too sensitive. Oh, and since I love history as well, almost every ancient Greek and Roman diddled little boys. so all those lovely philosophers and scientists we now look up to were what we would consider pedophiles. nice, huh?

Caety said...

I'm a teacher and I love kids, but that is too damn funny!

Deneezy said...

Wow...
You are literally my idol.
Like Sara, I too am just a 17-year-old...yet i detest those munchkins...
Worst I did was lock my eight year old cousin - who by the way, called me a moody bitch - in the closet.