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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Is Vacation Over Yet?

This should be my last rerun because vacation is over. However, I reserve the right to continue being lazy for a couple more days. And in honor of vacation, here is a post about this delusional woman from a few months ago.

xo,
The Bitchy Waiter



This lady came in the other day and she's always a little bit of a pain in the ass. Just because she's a semi-regular, she thinks that she deserves special treatment. You know the type. As soon as she sat down she said she wanted something special to make her feel like she was on a tropical vacation. I hate when people say stupid shit like that. I wanted to suggest that she put on an ugly one piece bathing suit with a ruffle and then get a sunburn while listening to Tom Jones on her Walkman because I figured that's what she usually did when on a tropical vacation. Instead, I simply asked her what she would like to drink. She thought long and hard about this oh so complicated question. Suddenly her eyes lit up as she realized what drink would satisfy this tropical craving she was trying to fill. I couldn't wait for her to ask for a Pina Colada or Banana Daiquiri so I could tell her we don't have a blender. And then she asked for something that is so completely incongruous with tropical that I thought she was kidding. "Can I have a Frangelico and coffee?" She said it all whispery and shit with this snarky grin like it was so so daring of her to order this wild and crazy drink. What the fuck kind of tropical vacation does this bitch go on that she sits on a beach and drinks coffee? Is it a beach in Antarctica? Is she retarded? Then she altered her order a bit and requested iced coffee which made it a teeny bit more understandable. "And can you put some whipped cream on it so it really seems fancy?" Yeah, lady. Every drink I have ever had while on the beach had whipped cream on it and it made me think it was fancy, will do. I put about six inches worth of whipped cream on her drink because I knew it would make her wet her panties when she saw it. If I would have had one of those little paper umbrellas I would have stuck that in it too, but no such luck. Instead, I did one of those tricks you do with the paper of a straw to make it look like it was a flower. She squealed with pleasure when she saw it. This lady really needs a life. Or a vacation. But she loved me. Bitch loves her some Bitchy Waiter.

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12 comments:

Name: female, not even with a capital F. I shit you not! said...

Being a new follower, your posts of late have been new to me.
THX for tickling my funny bone these days.
Laughing is great medicine. ;0)

Kalei's Best Friend said...

Dang, hth can u turn the paper from a straw into a flower? sh*te, never saw it done in Cali.....

Magnolia Phenom said...

hilarious! "the bitch loves her bitchy waiter" hahahaha

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!

Guy said...

I never learned the paper from a straw trick, but it sounds like you really took care of her. Sweet bitchy waiter.

The Ranters Box said...

I bet that kept her coming back for more... wet panties and all!!
-The Ranter's Box
www.rantersbox.blogspot.com

Levonne said...

Take your time getting back into the swing of things!

Miranda said...

shit that was funny!

mika said...

hi,your blog and photos are so nice
you can visit me at:

http://photostricks.blogspot.com

http://photostricks.blogspot.com
Mika

mika said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
王美妹 said...

Of two evils choose the least.............................................................

The Bartender said...

See? You DO care. Sometimes.