Dear Douche Bag who sat at table 28 last night,
I just wanted to thank you for perpetuating the stereotype that men who go see stand-up comedy shows are gloober-globbery frat boys who have no manners. I was wondering if that myth was a reality and now I know it is true. It was so cool of you to walk into the club and immediately bellow out through your bloated face, "So do I buy my two drinks now or later?" I loved how you said "later" as if there was no "r" on the end of the word and instead it had an "ah." That was neat. I apologize that none of us thought it was as funny as you seemed to think it was. Thank you for understanding when we explained to you that it was table service only.
Kudos to you for finding such a sweet girlfriend. She seemed nice despite the way she kept her eyes down towards the floor every time you said something too loud. At first glance, it seemed like maybe she was embarrassed by you, but she was probably just looking to see how clean the floor was, right? I mean, why would she ever be embarrassed by you when you were wearing your pants so baggy that they hung past your ass? Wearing pants that way makes you cool, right? Yeah, I thought so.
When I took your order, I must admit I was surprised by what you wanted. I fully expected you to ask for a Long island Iced Tea or a shot of Jägermesiter. But you just said "bottled water" in that cute way you do, dropping the "r" and adding an "ah" sound. Remember how I asked you if you wanted sparkling or flat and and you just said, "I dunno, just regular water!" That was adorable. Your girlfriend ordered a Guinness and then a Heineken and I can only assume that it was to dull her senses and make sitting across from you more tolerable.
You know what else I loved about you, douche bag? I loved how you pulled your chair out from the table and then spread your legs apart really wide, presumably to give your huge penis and low-hanging testicles room to breath. Never mind that it made it near impossible for me to walk past you every time I needed to get to table 35. I'm sure your "boys" appreciated the fresh air seeing that it probably smelled like like gym, Goldfish crackers, freshly laid sod and head cheese in there. And to your girlfriend: if I would have thought about it, I would have given you three free shots of tequila just so you could be prepared when he asked you later to give his "little buddy" a kiss.
Finally douche bag, I am sorry I wasn't able to get to you as soon as you yelled "wait-ah" across the room. I know you said it three or four times while waving your money at me. I heard you. I was just dealing with another table and there were about twelve people between me and you at that moment, and I just couldn't get to you any sooner. Believe me, I really wanted to drop what I was doing and serve your needs, but sadly I was assisting another guest who was nothing but friendly, polite and charming.
I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thank you for coming in and making my night so special and most of all thank you for the tip. I was very exited to hear that I could "keep the change" from the sixty dollars that you gave me to cover your $55.14 check. It was the icing on the big smelly, vinegar and water cake.
The Bitchy Waiter
p.s. I'm sorry I didn't have a plastic bag for you to carry your second bottle water in when you left. We don't normally have "to-go" bags since we are a cocktail bar. Lucky for you, your girlfriend offered to put it in her purse. I know how difficult it would have been for you to carry a bottle of water in your own two hands.
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