I am moved to write because today some lady threw her baby into a mega-stroller and rolled it into my station. The baby looked like it was a few weeks old and I don't know why the fuck anyone would drag their weeks old baby to eat at my place, but she did. Actually I should say her nanny did. Mother just talked on the phone and took cell phone pictures of it. Maybe she was Grandmother. Bitch looked old. First thing: "Can you turn down the music? The baby is asleep." Whatever. Point of story is when they left. I went to clear the table and there was a tiny diaper rolled into a ball that was sitting with the dirty dishes and used napkins. Like I won't notice a fucking dirty diaper. So I have decided to make a list of things to not leave at your table:
- dirty fucking goddamn diapers
- snot rags
- babies or children of any age unless they are cool with becoming my cleaning lady.
- trash from other restaurants like a Starbucks cup
- hair pieces, wigs, falls, barrettes or pony-tail holders
- magazines that I don't want to read like Time or Ladies Home Journal. US Weekly or People is fine.
- crappy cell phones. The new iPhone is fine. Just don't come back looking for it.
- body odor
- junk mail or any other crap that came out of your bag that you cleaned out while waiting for your food
- your phone number (this applies to ugly people only)
- apple cores, banana peels or the shells of sunflower seeds
- used gum that you leave on the side of the plate so I have to scrape it off
- gum of any kind
- false teeth, dentures, partials or a gold tooth that you will come back for the next day and then be all surprised that i don't know where the hell it is.
- your "to-go" food that I didn't want to wrap up but I did anyway even though it was like one fucking french fry
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