Shove a Pancake in My Mouth

Get out the Aunt Jemima and powdered sugar, because today is National Fucking Pancake Day, bitches. You know I am all about National Pancake Day since my whole life revolves around an icon of pancakes. And speaking of Aunt Jemima, have you noticed that she looks a lot like Oprah lately? I guess the Mammy character seemed a bit un-PC so they Oprah-ized her. Anyhoo, IHOP created this day in 2006 so it is a tradition that is literally years in the making. Five of them. The day benefits Children's Miracle Network Hospitals® which raises funds for 170 children's hospitals across North America. If you go into IHOP on Tuesday, March 1, 2011, 7 a.m. - 10 p.m. they will serve your fat ass a free short stack. In return, you are asked to make a donation. It says only one short stack per customer, but I assume that means at each location. There is no reason that you can't drive from IHOP to IHOP eating your way across the country. How many miles can one drive in a 15 hour period? I would think you should be able to get to at least ten different IHOPS and chow down on the free pancakes. Never mind that gas is $3.50 a gallon, we are talking free fucking pancakes here, ladies.

Why if I had an unlimited supply of free pancakes, I could spend my day sitting on my pancake couch watching the Food Network while eating pancakes. After a carb overload, I would place my head on my pancake pillow and fall asleep dreaming of rivers of maple syrup. Floating down the syrup river would be a waffle rowboat with oars made out of sticks of butter. I would be in that boat trying to paddle, but I would end up eating my butter oars instead. As the boat drifts to the crest of a waterfall, I would jump from the boat and grab hold of a bacon tree and climb to safety as the boat slowly careened over the fall and into a pool of sticky sweet syrup. Now in the tree of pork product, I would have a nibble of the salty pig until I was ready to switch back to sweet fluffy pancakes. I take a bite of pancake that is served by Oprah who is dressed like Aunt Jemimah. Oprah would say to me, "Bitchy Waiter, you know putting me in this costume is verging on racial stereotypes, right?" And I would say to her, "Yes, Oprah, I do. But this is just a pancake-induced dream so please go melt me some butter for my next batch of pancakes. And by the way, you should have won an Oscar for The Color Purple." Oprah laughs and says, "Honey child, you know you got that right." She goes off to melt butter, read a book and slap Gayle on the ass. Ahh, pancakes. I dream of pancakes. I can no longer tell if I am dreaming or if I am awake. The pancake feast has corroded my brain and my ears are filled with sticky syrup and my hands are greasy with butter. Life is good.

So, really, if you are near an IHOP today, you should take advantage of the free pancakes. It is your duty as a pancake-lovin', Bitchy Waiter-readin' American. And I also think this is a good post to share, tweet and shout out because pancakes are not just my icon. They're a way of life.

amend: I have been told that the actual Pancake Day is next Tuesday, March 8, but that IHOP wanted to get a jump on it so they proclaimed it a week early. Whatever. Go eat a fucking pancake.


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