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Sunday, March 6, 2011

What Evil Lurks Among Us?

There are many dangers lurking in a restaurant. Something as simple as a melted ice cube on a tile floor can be almost deadly if it makes contact with the wrong kind of shoe. Or what about all those open flames in the kitchen just trying to light your apron on fire when you're back there trying to graze some free french fries? Or have you ever had the misfortune of the steam from a cappuccino machine shoot at you with its missile-like force and scald your arms? I tell you, it's a right crying shame that most of us don't get health insurance from our restaurant jobs seeing that we practically work in a combat zone. But the most dangerous thing in all the restaurant is an inanimate object that sits there just waiting for its chance to stab you with its steely point. It's the dreaded ticket spike. That bitch patiently waits until you stab a drink order as you are having a conversation with the bartender and BOOM! The side of your finger hits that damn spike and you have a cut for days that will only grow more irritated every time you pick up a lemon. How many times has this happened to you? Or is it only me because I am too often drinking at work and my depth perception is off causing me to misjudge where my hand is in relation to the pointy stabby sticky dagger spike? Hmm, I may be on to something there.

I propose we forbid these weapons in restaurants from this moment on. Why must our dupes be so violently stabbed when we are done with them? Why can't they be lovingly placed inside a glass? Or why can't they be gently tossed into a velvet-lined box? Must we beget violence by mortally wounding these poor innocent dupe checks by impaling them on a metal pole? They have served their purpose well and we repay them by puncturing them. And then every once in a while, our palm gets a piece of the bayonet action too. It's that damn spike. I think it's hungry for victims. It wants blood but it settles for paper, and when it sees its opportunity to get some waiter plasma it's gonna go for it. It's like a vampire bat; a steel vampire bat that sits on the bar covered in bar tickets.

Again, this may only be a problem for me and my drunk self. I think the next time I am at work, I will pay close attention to the spike and my cocktail intake. If I can make it through the night without a cocktail and that in turn results in a night of not drawing blood from the ticket spike, I will know the problem rests with me. The more I think about it, the more I think that I may be the only one who has ever been pierced by the evil bitch spike. I am, aren't I? This isn't really a problem for you, is it? Oh God, I'm a drunk bitch who stabs himself with the ticket spike. I think I need help.



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18 comments:

Mary A. said...

How have you n ot stabbed a customer with it yet??? I'm impressed with your restraint.

Practical Parsimony said...

Let me tell you, you don't have drink or to even work around alcohol to get stabbed by that spike. I love your rich imagery.

Tony Van Helsing said...

They sound like those pungee sticks that were used as booby traps in the Vietnam war. Some Marine probably saw one and thought 'When this is over and I open a restaurant that would be just the thing to stick drink orders on'.

Lauren said...

maybe you just have sharp spikes. I've accidentally hit them before, but never actually drawn blood. file the point down to a nub. paper will still be impaled on a nub.

Susan said...

The ticket spike at my restaurant has been filed down, no more hand impalement's. But we really should wear hard hats and steel toes, bitchy. Just last night, my favorite dish boy fell in the kitchen and grabbed onto the flame on the stove, moments before sticking his hand in boiling water that he was running off of the drain board.

Susan said...

The ticket spike at my restaurant has been filed down, no more hand impalement's. But we really should wear hard hats and steel toes, bitchy. Just last night, my favorite dish boy fell in the kitchen and grabbed onto the flame on the stove, moments before sticking his hand in boiling water that he was running off of the drain board.

The Candid Corker said...

It isn't you, it's your technique. I was raised in a restaurant that had one of those damned things. You have to hold it with both hands at each end of the ticket and spear it in the center. I have scares from before developing my technique ;)

LottieSpartacus said...

I used to work in a pharmacy and we would spike completed prescription forms. I once was in such a hurry that I didn't even look where I spiked and impaled my hand on the spike. Blood everywhere - and all over the prescriptions to be sent to the NHS! They are evil.

Noelle said...

@Susan held my breath through that story. Awful! It is combat zone.

I know a server who uses two hands to spindle a ticket often. I might have to ask if there is a scar and a story.

Mind Of Mine said...

Och! Open wounds and lemon juice. I feel your pain!

Anonymous said...

I don't have to drink a drop to get stabbed by that damn ticket holder. I am also the only person in the free world that can get a paper cut NIGHTLY with the tickets.

FuschiaLime said...

Uhg, I have been stabbed one too may times by those lil F*kers, they are worse than the Audrey 2, feed me ... feed me...

Bagel Fairy said...

I once burned my knuckle so badly after fishing a bagel out of the toaster that it oozed pus and blood for days. If the managers had just let me get away from the register long enough to treat the burn right away, then maybe I wouldn't have had to hold my right hand behind my back and serve with my left so the customers couldn't see.

Restaurants are dangerous fo sho.

Eden said...

at one place I worked, we put a little pencil eraser on the end. Sure, it made a bigger whole in the paper, but at least it wasn't in your palm.

Pancake Grrrl said...

Sometimes I tell my MOD, "If you don't stop talking to me about stupid shit while I'm trying to work, I will jam that fucking ticket spindle through my palm and I will choose someone else on staff to give me a ride to the ER."

digressions said...

Two years ago, I slipped on a wet spot on the kitchen floor, and face-planted firmly onto the edge of a stainless steel counter top. Not only was this *immensely* painful, but it resulted in 13 stitches RIGHT above my eyeball (from which I will always have a scar...I'm just thankful I wasn't blinded) and looking like I'd been viciously beaten with a baseball bat for about a month! There were shattered plate pieces and blood everywhere! If you drop ice cubes, pick them the hell up! At least kick them under the counter or something...Oh, and I stabbed myself on the spike today...drew blood, and thought of you, BW! And yes, I was 100% sober. :)

dirtydisher said...

I thought I was the only one who had nighmares about ticket spikes.

Anonymous said...

when stabbing a ticket i eventually trained my hand so that my thumb (underneath the ticket) found the side of the spike. with a finger on either side of the top of the ticket, it was stabbed. Sounds tedious, but like all server motions, it becomes second nature. The key was guiding your hand with the thumb first!