Shouldn't I be considered a hero for all the lives I have saved too? Maybe I didn't pull a piece of quesadilla from someones windpipe, but I have had my moments. What about the time that lady sent her food back three times because the steak was undercooked and then she had the nerve to tell me at the end she wasn't really hungry anyway? I wanted to strangle that bitch. But I didn't. Life saved. What about when that kid left his scooter in my way and I tripped over it (on purpose to prove a point)? I could have killed that kid for endangering my life, but I didn't. Another life saved. And finally, what about all those people who get great service and then leave me a 5% tip? That is grounds for manslaughter, but I have never done it. Countless lives saved. I am practically a goddamn fucking superhero when you look at it that way. Sure, this guy Matthew gave the Heimlich and saved one lousy life. I, on the other hand, with restraint and patience have managed to save at least one life every day. I am a hero too, world. Just a different kind of hero. In the immortal words of songstress Enrigue Iglesiais:
I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up my cape from the dry cleaners. I got some 1000 Island dressing on it the other night when this lady changed her mind about her salad. She told me she wanted a 1000 Island but when I got to her table she swore that she said Ranch. She didn't. I tossed the salad into the garbage and got the dressing all over me. I was pissed off and wanted to punch her unconscious. But I didn't. Yet another life saved. It just doesn't end for me with the fucking life-saving.
Click here to follow The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.
Click here to find The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.