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Thursday, March 17, 2011

It's St. Patrick's Day: Get Trashed

I hope you started your day with some pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers because today is St. Patrick's Day. Yes, I am talking about Lucky Charms, nature's perfect breakfast food other than Cap'n Crunch or Honeycombs. If you needed to have a warm breakfast, then perhaps you settled for a bowl of McCann's Irish Oatmeal and if you are a big ol' lush, maybe you just sucked down a Guinness. If that is the case, do not feel bad about it, for today is St. Patrick's Day and heavy drinking is not only expected, it is encouraged. Does anyone even really know what St. Patrick did? He's a Catholic something or other and the only hard-core Catholic I know that would be able to give me the lowdown on the guy is probably on her fourth or fifth beer by now. (Marlene, call me. It's been a while.) Did he chase the rats out of Ireland or see the image of the Virgin Mary on a piece of Irish soda bread toast? I have no idea. Maybe he turned water into green beer? Regardless, today is the day that we all wear green and some people pull out their stupid ass "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" buttons and we go around pinching people who forgot to wear the color of the day. We go to McDonald's for a shamrock shake and then we head over to Bennigan's, Houlihan's, or Maggie Mae's Irish Pub to get as trashed as we possibly can because that is what St. Patrick and the Catholic church would want. We must honor that tradition, y'all. Get trashed. And don't worry if you forgot to wear green. If you drink enough pints, your face will soon be the right shade.

When I worked at Houlihan's, we had a big ass countdown clock one year counting down to the minute that people felt it was acceptable to order beer at 11:00 AM. Why people thought Houlihan's was a traditional Irish establishment, I'll never know. Are nachos and chicken fingers Irish? Now that I think about it, I do recall hearing a story about how St. Patrick needed to feed a hundred billion people one time but all he had was one block of Velveeta cheese and a lone bag of Doritos. But miracle of miracles, he fed those multitudes nachos until they were satisfied. That is the power of St. Patty!

I will keep this post brief because I know you are probably already drunk by now (Marlene, call me) and you are ready to go put on your leprechaun costume and run around looking for a pot of gold. I will be at work tonight serving all the drunk bitches in green but I will do it with a smile on my face. For that is what St. Patrick, the patron saint of nachos, would want. Happy St. Patrick's Day!




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13 comments:

Surviving the Journey of Life said...

FANTASTIC post! I love the "patron saint of nachos." It is pretty much a day for all of those who claim to have Irish heritage to have a "genetic" reason to consume mass quantities of alcohol. Although, perhaps you will get a wee bit of the luck o' d' Irish and get extra tips!

http://mytaleoftriumphandsurvival.blogspot.com/

Mary A. said...

OK -- 21 years ago my friends & I couldn't get into any Irish bars, so we went to one filled with Japanese & Korean boys. Japanese boys are my very favorite flavor.

I went up to all the cute ones and Said "Happy St. Patricks Day, are you Irish?" They all looked at me like I was retarded.

Then one really cute boy got the joke and laughed. Or maybe he realized that the way into my pants was laughing at my dumb joke.

2 years later I married him.

Happy St. P{atrick's Day.

January said...

FUUUUNNNNY! I am a Mom of two babes so I, along with many other Mom's at home with young ones, am unfortunately very sober. Oh the good old days.

Anonymous said...

I cantz commemmtws cuz ims drunk on me fertheenth pint...Saints Patts rox. luv, marlneenene

Jenny DB said...

I didn't know it had to be St.Patricks Day for it to be acceptable to order a beer at 11am? I thought that's what "red beer" was for. Makes it practically breakfast! :-)
new follower btw

Tony Van Helsing said...

Nobody gives a toss about St. Patricks Day apart from Americans. Even Irish people don't care.
Good post though.

Practical Parsimony said...

That was a hilarious post! BTW, I found out two weeks ago that I am mostly Irish. Here, family lore has it that we are mostly German and Native American. How does a person live for 64 years and not know something so important. Even the Native Am part is documented. Gee, Irish and Native American...not that I want to buy into stereotypes! I don't even drink! Do I look Irish?
http://practical-parsimony.blogspot.com/2011/03/kiss-me-im-irish.html

Wendy said...

Two thousand nine hundred fifty-two followers?!?
Seriously?!?!

(And i loved Marlene's anonymous reply! Even if it was someone pretending to be her.)

Bitchy, you're the Best! Loved this post.
=-)

Kim said...

Today always reminds me of my junior year of HS when my BFF and I cut school and took the train into the city. I vaguely remember seeing part of the parade and...the rest goes blank. Somehow we ended up somewhere making mac and cheese and laughing our asses off. I never did know anything about St. Patrick until your post, and I'm Catholic. Go figure.

Great post!

Kim

Tracy said...

Absolutely no Irish in me whatsoever, so I do not participate in anything Irish, though the pizza delivery lady was proud to say she was Irish and an alumni of Texas Tech, like me. (nice use of that degree lady)...
I digress, St. Patrick drove out all of the snakes from Ireland I am pretty sure. Ask Scottish folk about St. Andrew, they will tell you that he can kick St. Patrick's arse.

CaliSunshine said...

It's been a while since I've blogged, due to a shitload of medical complications, but I can honestly say I missed your blog. And Wendy, I know right?!?! I have a fan base of like... 3 :) (but, I don't know those three so they like me because of my written hilarity instead of because I'm their friend and my 5'4, 115 pounds is intimidating ;)
Love you all,
CaliSunshine

CaliSunshine said...

P.s.
Please check out my blog. I really want to be famous! (famous on blogger = over 5 followers)
Xoxo,
Calisunshine

Anonymous said...

All I can think of are the nachos at Houlihans. They are terrible for you and the most delicious nachos...