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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Snort Pig Eats Popcorn

Okay, so I am the first one to admit that this a kinda mean thing to do, so if you have a problem with that you might wanna step off the carousel right now because this pony is about to go. I worked with someone once who was all kinds of annoying. She was always getting up in my personal space and standing too close to me which was never cool because she had a penchant for not wearing underwear. Why she always wanted to let me know when it was a commando day, I will never know, but it still haunts me. One day I was feeling particularly annoyed by her because she kept getting into conversations that she was neither a part of nor welcome to. "This an A and B conversation, so please C your way out of it, okay bitch?" She could be on the other side of the room pretending to do sidework and hear two other people laugh at something. She'd yell out, "What? What's so funny? I wanna know." You know the type?

At this particular restaurant, we served bowls of popcorn to the tables when they sat down. It wasn't any special kind of popcorn, just some shit that was bought in bulk over at the Costco or Sam's Club. We all nibbled on it, but only when it was fresh out of the bag. This girl would eat it like it was her only source of sustenance for the day. I imagine that she didn't have access to a refrigerator, pantry or a grocery store because she always had feeding bag full of popcorn attached to her face. You know how you eat popcorn at the movie theater in the safety of the darkness? You cram it in by the handful and some falls onto your lap and you just pick it up from there and shove more in? Yeah, that's how she ate it all the time. When I was at the computer and she was waiting to get on it after me, I would always just close what I was doing because the sound of the incessant smacking that came from her lips was too much to take. I wanted to fucking punch her in her popcorn puss.

One day, I bussed a table who had left a bowl of half eaten popcorn. None of us ever ate out of the bowls that were left on the tables because we all know that people don't wash their hands and the bacteria in there is rampant. It's like the bowls of peanuts at bars. I took the bowl of popcorn over to the trash can ready to dump it when I spotted good ol' annoying girl out of the corner of my eye. I decided to just put the nasty used popcorn on the sidestand right where we would normally keep our clean bowl of popcorn to see if Hungry Hippo would eat it. I told all the other servers to avoid it and save it for Popcorn Polly. Within two minutes, she drifted toward the bowl and grabbed a handful and crammed it in her mouth. I thought of the people who had left that bowl of bacteria and shuddered with disgust and amusement. By now, everyone on the floor knew that the contaminated popcorn was being eaten by by Bacteria Betty. We all watched as she returned to the sidestand every three seconds for more of the tasty snack. Within minutes, the bowl was empty.

Was it mean? Yes. Yes, it was. Did it hurt her? No. No it didn't. Did it make my day? Ab-s0-fucking-lute-ly.



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14 comments:

Anthony Kimber said...

Awesome Bitchy. See in and out, nobody gets hurt. Hilarious, the way you described her eating style. Love it. Have a bitchin' day, dude.

Mark W said...

When I was in high school, I worked at a theater called Salem Six. I worked with this really hot guy from school, and we'd never gotten along. For some reason, though, at work, we ended up being friends.

Also at this place of employment was a girl that I was madly in love with.

The boy and the girl couldn't stand each other.

One day, the boy said "Watch the door, I'm going to piss in her drink." Now, admittedly, I only agreed because I was hoping for a peek of his goods, not thinking about this girl actually drinking the drink.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, she came in and picked up the drink. All of a sudden, it was like one of those slow motion scenes from a movie, with her slowly raising the drink to her lips, and me moving across the room, crying "Noooooooooooooo."

She didn't drink it. The boy got pissed at me. And I have a memory that I can never forget...

Practical Parsimony said...

BW, possibly the germs had not multiplied. Oh well, it was not a really bad thing to do. But, she probably did not care.
Mark, good for you for stopping the girl from drinking the pee from this guy. Even though urine is sterile....

Anonymous said...

Its the lil things that keep us sane

Erin said...

It isn't like you bombed her drink with Visine. Which, um, I've definitely never done to an asshole shift leader boss and giggled silently as he crapped his pants in agony.

:) The evil vindictive bitch in me could take a cue or two from you.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Eating popcorn is like eating those those polystyrene packing beads. Bacteria probably makes them taste nicer.

L.Voss said...

I would have done the same shit!

Joyce said...

Too funny! I can't wait to read your daily entries and have laughed myself silly over some of them. But, I will have to admit, I've also learned how to be a better customer when I go out. I've never been a server but can certainly imagine some of these assholes you describe day in and day out! Thanks for the laughter!

ChiTown Girl said...

I heart you.

Mary A. said...

You gave her the cheese touch.

I love Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

Anonymous said...

my boss bought a suit at the armani outlet and kept mentioning "his first armani" (as if he would eventually own hundreds) ad nauseum.

i had a friend call him and tell him he was going to be featured as "young executive on the move" in a non-existent business rag. she set up a photo shoot for casual friday.

he wore his first armani (looked like a nehru jacket with tuxedo stripes) while the rest of us were in jeans and t-shirts. she came to work, he got his photo taken with a disposable camera, got a shitty certificate i printed on plain typing right under his nose and received an olive garden $100 gift card which i failed to put any money on when i stuck it in my purse at the store. he was bragging about it to everybody.

on monday, he spent the entire day bitching about getting stuck with a $97 bill at OG and trying to call her- she had just changed cell service so the number didn't work.

i never heard another word about his fucking first armani again!

watergirl said...

Bitchy, I adore you!
:huggles:

Khadijah said...

I love it. Reminds me of the wierdos at my job who'll eat the "ups" in the window, after they've been sitting there burning in the window for 4 hours.

Anonymous said...

I love you. (Well, NOT like that, but it's still affection I feel for anyone who could be so wonderfully clever, mean and just all at the same time.)