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Thursday, February 24, 2011

I Confess: I Am a Pig

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. Why is it that every time I go to Texas, I fall back into my old habit of eating whatever I want and drinking gravy? Muscle memory takes over and my brain thinks it's actually okay to eat bean dip for dinner. Seriously, one night I ate Tostitos and bean dip for dinner. And I enjoyed it too. Blame it on my mom who has Cameo cookies and iced tea for breakfast I suppose. Within thirty minutes of being on Texas soil, my shiny silver rental car drove through a Whatburger. I swear to God I had nothing to do with it. The GPS and the cruise control conspired against my healthy eating habits and force fed me a number seven combo. One day while in Texas, I had a McDonald's McFlurry for lunch. I didn't even know what a freakin' McFlurry was, but I was introduced to it by my niece who recommenced I get the Oreo McFlurry. I did and now I worship at the altar of McFlurry. True, it was a blatant rip-off of the Dairy Queen Blizzard, but I cared not. I ate it for lunch and I felt fine about it. One morning, I drove past my arch nemesis, Chick-Fil-A who I blogged about quite unflatteringly a few weeks ago. As I sat in the Target parking lot trying to decide if I should give them my hard-earned gay dollars, I thought, "what would Jesus do?" And I decided that Jesus would forgive and forget and drive his sandal wearin' ass over for some chicken. And so I did. And it was good. And the lady at the drive thru window didn't seem like a total homophobe at all. She was right nice and friendly.

These four days in Texas saw me consume more Coca-Cola than I normally do in three weeks. I had it for breakfast, lunch dinner and snacks. One morning after brushing my teeth I almost rinsed with it, but thought better and used Country Time Lemonade instead, for that fresh, minty, sugary feel. Someone made chocolate chip cookies and I had about ten of those in one sitting. I drank Coors Light and Michelob Ultra instead of cosmos and I drank these out of cans. Cans, I tell you. Cans that were in coozies. When I was at the airport to come back to reality, I scanned the food court for one last food extravagance. I only had thirty minutes until boarding and my eyes fell upon Schlotzky's Sandwiches. I literally ran to the counter to place my order. I heard my flight being boarded but all I cared about was that ham and cheese on the sourdough bread so I ignored the plea for all customers for flight 351 to go to gate 18. I got my sandwich and inhaled it, along with a Coke and salt and vinegar potato chips. As I waddled over to my gate, I picked some shredded lettuce out of my teeth and patted my belly. Texas was very good to me. My digestive track? Not so much. But I was okay with it. I made myself comfortable in my seat and buckled my seat belt low and tight around my waist and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up only minutes away from New York. When I got out of the airport, the cold air slapped my face and jolted me back to reality. My time in Texas was good on so many levels. I was melancholy but content. Empty but full. Sad but happy. Later, while on the 7 train only three stops from home, two subway performers came into the car and danced. I didn't give them any money because I don't do that, but I knew I was home again. The fast food, the Cokes and my family were all back in Texas. I miss them. My family, I mean, not the fast food. I miss my family. Okay, and I kinda miss Whataburger too.



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19 comments:

Cheryl said...

I started following you on Twitter and thought I would check out your blog. Glad I did. Love your humor. Thanks for making me smile.

Maria said...

I recently finished a cross-country roadtrip where for the sake of cheapness and convenience I ate almost all fast food. So I feel your pain. It took about a week and a half before I felt good again.

misty said...

I don't know what I would do without Chick-Fil-A and Whataburger. Ok, I do know... I'd get skinny... but still I love them! Oh and Schlotzsky's. I ate Schlotzsky's 4 times in the last week.

The Jaded Waiter said...

My Achilles Heel when I go back to Texas is BBQ in Lockhart, but....Whataburger.

Damn, I miss Whataburger.

dirtydisher said...

I find it impossible to think of you as Texan. To me, you're the ultimate New Yorker.

SkippyMom said...

Bean dip and corn chips DO have nutritional value. I know this. I am a MOM. And it is the most important meal of the day. :D

[I would so eat bean dip all day long. YUM]

Glad you are home safe. Hope you get back to your family soon.

Kara Hoag said...

The after-effects are just like little reminders to keep your trip going longer. You can look in the toilet and say, 'Hey! I remember that day! That was a fun day.'

visions unto myself

Mrs. Indecisive said...

this whole post made me incredibly hungry!!!

Tony Van Helsing said...

I've got a sudden craving for junk food.

Anonymous said...

Did you get any BBQ while you were here??? Pappas BBQ has THE BEST baked potato with cheese, butter, and chopped beef mmmmmmmm

blogger sam said...

i do rather fancy a burger king right now

Krissy said...

Vacations and business trips are meant for over indulging. I'm still chuckling at Jesus' sandal wearing ass driving over to Chick-Fil-A, however.

TalkativeTaurus.com

Mary A. said...

I bet most of your readers never even heard of Whataburger. I live in Corpus Christi (Birthplace of the WHATABURGER). I had never heard of it, having grown up in McDonaldland. The people here, however, think that Whataburger is the largest company IN THE WORLD.

I always get the #6. They have the best chicken strips in the world.

ChiTown Girl said...

Oh, honey, all that junk was food for your soul. You needed it. I'm glad you were able to go 'home' for a while, even though it was for such a sad reason. {{{hugs}}}}

Eden said...

Did you also consume Kruncher's potato chips and some Blue-Bell ice-cream? (Both recently started being sold in my area, but the love affair started in TX.)

badbadwebbis said...

At Whataburger you are supposed to get the vanilla shake and then dip your french fries in it.

Trust me.

Christie said...

I cannot go back home to Texas without getting a Whataburger..It's generally my first meal back....and you made me hungry for it...thanks!! Glad you made it back safely...sorry for your loss...

The Mistress of Spices said...

Ah yes...the 4 food groups! Bean dip, Schlotzsky's, Chick-Fil-A and Coor's. The next time you're there I suggest that you add Arby's and Dairy Queen to your rotation as well. Don't mess with Texas, ya'll!

Aidan said...

thank you. this is one of the most perfect posts. it's just how i feel when we go back home to texas. we live in france now and i crave chic-fil-a!
aidan