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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Don't Make Me Throw a Penny at You

This story happened years and years ago, but it's a goody. I was working in this tourist trap in Times Square in New York City where food was way overpriced but tourists came anyway because it was familiar. Let's just say it was hypothetically called Houlihan's. On 49th and Seventh Ave. It was the lunch rush and in my station were three secretary bitches who were happy to have someone to boss around for a change. They ordered their usual salads with everything on the side but extra everything and lemons for the waters and separate checks and anything else that screams "we are bitches." It was a busy Wednesday where everyone in the restaurant had tickets to see Cats or Phantom of the Opera or anything else that screams "we are tourists." After a while the three secretary bitches called me over and asked me if their food was ready. I gave them my standard reply: "I guess not because if it was ready it would be here." Dumb bitches. They didn't like my attitude. Hmmm, can't imagine why. Their food came out and they complained about a variety of things. I don't recall what exactly but it was probably the usual: the bread is not warm enough, the Diet Coke is flat, no one wants to sleep with us because we are big fat snort pigs. I threw their check down and went on with ignoring my other tables. When they got up to leave they left money on the table to pay for the check and when I saw it I knew what to expect. Exact change, no tip. But then I saw my tip: one penny in the bottom of a glass of water. I fished it out and scoured the room looking for the whores. They were already gone, so I ran downstairs out to 49th Street and looked both ways. I had to decide whether to go left or right. I decided to the right and ran down the street, penny in hand. About halfway to Sixth Avenue I saw them. After knocking a couple of tourists out of the way, I went to the head secretary bitch and tapped her on the shoulder. "You forgot something at your table," I said. "Oh, I did? What?" "This," I said and I flicked the penny at her. Suddenly everything was in slow motion. I watched the copper coin twirl through the air as her face recoiled in terror. The penny hit her right tit and bounced to the sidewalk. I turned around and walked back to the restaurant giddy with pride. She was right behind me. I could practically feel her hot honey mustard breath on the back of my neck.

When I got back inside, I headed straight to the bathroom to hide out because I knew I was about to be in big trouble. After a few minutes of crouching in a stall, a co-worker found me and said that my manager needed to see me right away. I slinked into her office ready to be berated. My manager shut the door and turned around to look at me. I was surprised to see that she had a huge smile on her face. She told me that even though the bitches were in fact bitches and they deserved to have a penny thrown at them, what I did was wrong and she was going to have to suspend me for three days so that all of my co-workers knew that throwing pennies at customers was not acceptable behavior for our fine dining establishment. Houlihan's. On 49th and Seventh. Hypothetically. I understood my punishment but wished I had thrown a roll of pennies at the bitch instead of just one.

My response to being suspended for three days? "Okay, cool. Can I cash out now because it looks like I have a three day weekend ahead of me." After my three days off, I returned to work as a legend. A hero. I penny-throwing hero legend.




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20 comments:

blogger sam said...

they got what they deserved in the end

MsW8ing said...

Oh so familiar, ,this happened to me once but it wasn't a penny, it was a nasty crinkled up one dollar bill...I gave it back to the man that left it for me, as my manager looked on in horror...one of my best memories EVER!

Ela said...

Bitches got what was coming to them. You go, Bitchy Waiter!

dirtydisher said...

Yep, the penny people. Most vile skanky piss drinking drunken asshole pukes who ever lived. You should have taped the penny to a brick first.

*BECCA* said...

I'm sure that felt just as good as my win of the road war on a tailgater yesterday. This d-bag would NOT pass me, but insisted on riding inches from my bumper for miles. Finally, after tapping my breaks & cussing him out under my breath - I rolled down my window & shook an entire bottle of Sprite all over his tailgating ass! Seriously, I have not laughed so hard in I dunno how long, last time I read your blog probably lol =) ...he finally decided to pass me, chin to his steering wheel & his wipers racing back & forth like he was in the middle of a downpour. It was fucking hilarious. &All I could feel was pure victory...even if I was thirsty. lol

Eden said...

@BECCA

oh nice! thanks for the tip for future tailgaters (taking notes)

FemgineerFatale said...

No tip would've been less insulting.

I was expecting to read that the Head Secretary Bitch threw the penny at the back of your head as you walked away!

chelsea said...

That is a perfect win right there. Been working int he industry for almost four years now and I hate it when people are like that especially when they see how busy it is and just do it because they have some semblance of power.

Mothers day sunday, back when i was a busser, this family comes in and i knew they were going to be trouble, because the lady asks for a tbale closest to the buffet so her "son" wont have to be so far away un-attended. When the wiatress comes over and asks her all the usual questions "is everything okay?" "anything else i can get you?" "how are thing s going?" she acts like everything is peachy. However as she is leaving the dessert buffet she comes up to me and asks "did you know your pie is cold, i was told there would be pie ala mode, where is the pie ala mode?" I proceed to give her exact directions to the warm pie, as obvious as they were. and she returns to complain that the pie is too hot and there are not enough varieties of pie to suit her. I inform her that those are the only pies we make here that can be heated up and if you wait a couple of minutes your pie will be at a comfortable temperature. then i tell her that I am busy cleaning up the spaghetti ( that her son just flung on my stack of high chairs) and maybe if she could ask her waitress for further assistance. the wiatress then gets mad at me for pawning off the bitch and yells at me. the lady at the end finds me and tells me that this place has horrible service and she comes here year after year to have a wonderful time and it never happens then hands me a penny(which turned out to be Canadian or something) and asks me to return this to her waitress. I smiled kindly( i had just clocked out for the afternoon) and told her that we dont accept that kind of money here and if we did then we certainly wouldnt accept it from her, and if she didnt like the place she was more than welcome to not show her face here again.

i got called the next week and was asked to find another job, lol. i didnt mind though that job was crap and i was treated like that all the time.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Speakng from a customer 'I am a tourist' point of view I was in Hard Rock Cafe in New York 20 years ago and left a tip for the waitress, I think it was just under four dollars. The waitress stopped me and said this wasn't enough and I should be leaving a percentage of the bill. Now I am a Brit so we don't have rules on tipping, we leave what we feel the servie was worth. I told her that as I already paid the bill any other money left is a bonus and that if I could afford to leave big tips I wouldn't be eating in bloody Hard Rock Cafe.

Tony Van Helsing said...

And another thing, maybe they felt the service you provided was only worth a penny. You did point out that you ignored tables and you do call yourself Bitchy Waiter. Sorry mate, I'm with the secretaries on this one.

Stephanie said...

Awesome story!!! I hate nasty miserable bitches!

Practical Parsimony said...

Only once did I not leave a tip. I had to fight my husband to get him to NOT leave the tip. The bitch waitress thought she could ignore me and my child and flirt with husband for a better tip. Yes, and he was all smiles to her and he was ignoring my child and me. HA! Surprise! The worst thing you can do is ignore woman at the table with a guy. I just refused to allow a tip and watched that he did not give it to someone else to give to her. And, I am not the jealous type. But, I would never insult someone by leaving a penny tip. Actually, why should I be bothered fishing out a penny...way too much trouble for shoddy service.

Katie said...

Awesome.

Wendy said...

You go Bitchy! I love you even MORE now!
=-)

nancy said...

At a restaurant I worked in about 10 years ago there was a legend, a myth like goddess, who was whispered about behind the scenes. You see, according to the tale that was told, this waitress/deity was one of the kindest, gentlest souls to ever walk the earth. One evening after providing wonderful service to a party of 4 elderly folks who were very generous with the verbal tips, but quite the opposite with the cash tips, this waitress/deity just plain snapped. You see, this 4 top left her a tip tray full of change. As in of the coin change variety. Two fistfuls of quarters, nickles, dimes and, alas, pennies. Our heroine, the waitress/deity chased those motherfuckers down as they were pulling out of the parking lot and hurled two fistfuls ("UGH! UGH!")of coinage on their Oldsmobuick as tears streamed down her face. And that girl KEPT HER JOB! The owners thought that she was so sweet that she only received a warning. I love her.

Dustin said...

Um to "tony van hesling" or whatever your ridiculous ass name is... we don't give a fuck if you're a brit. you're in the states now, and over here in the big city, we fucking tip. otherwise, keep your fish and chips eatin' ass across the atlantic until you learn that "when in rome..." we can't pay our rent with your "bonus" chump change. eating at the hard rock... what a schmuck.

and to "practical parsimony" (wtf?)
bitch please, don't nobody want your man! female servers i work with HATE waiting on couple tables or families for this EXACT reason! because some insecure female, such as yourself, has to passive aggressively work out her irrational fears through hateful tipping practices.

i need a drink.

ClaireBear said...

epic.

dirtydisher said...

Tony van hefier, you British ass. You need to stop calling people "mate" when you're only here to take the piss out of an honest blogger.

dirtydisher said...

Dustin, hell yeah, you tell her! Women like that make waiting hell. No one wants your man. We just want you to eat and leave.

Sally-Sal said...

She deserved more than that penny.

She's lucky you didn't spank her in the teefs.