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Thursday, February 17, 2011

This Is Horrible News

This week at work I was dealt a blow that I may never recover from. My life blood was essentially drained from my veins. The teat that I suckle was pulled, nay, ripped from my lips. Someone reached into the cavity of my chest and pulled out my still-beating heart and threw it onto the floor and stepped on it as if it were a day old Dunkin' Donut that deserved no kindness. I would cry, but my eyes have leaked to the point of exhaustion and there is nothing left to weep. You have heard of the dry heaves? I'm having a serious case of dry cries. I want to cry, but there is only sawdust, Goldfish salt and resentment in my tear ducts. What horror has befallen me? Brace yourselves. Seriously, lean your ass up against a wall before you read this, because the earth shall quake and the heavens will roar with anger. At my job, management has come down with a new decree. I can hardly type this. My hands are shaking with anger, confusion and disgust. No more shift drinks. No. More. Shift. Drinks. What the hell? Don't they know that the only way I can deal with table 25 is with the promise of the sweet nectar of Kettle One after I punch out? How am I expected to not strangle table 6 if there is no glass of pinot grigio to reward me for not committing murder, assault or manslaughter? How will I numb the pain of separating the check for three ladies who each ordered the same exact thing and each gave me a credit card, yet still demanded that I create an individual check for each of them? The only way I could handle that shit was knowing that at least at the end of the night there would be a libation with my name on it. The humanity!

I understand the thought behind this. I do. It all comes down to cost and how can they be expected to give up a cocktail for the two employees a night? Okay, I don't understand it. It makes no sense to me. A happy employee is a drunk one, I always say. But I wait to drink until the end of the night when I want to pull up a bar stool and sip my martini as I commiserate with my co-workers on the night that we just shared and that we will never get back. And now I no longer have that. I still can't believe it. It seems unreal. It's like hearing that the New Adventures of Old Christine was canceled all over again. The moment that I was denied the drink from the bartender will haunt me forever.

ME: Whew, this night is tough. I am really looking forward to that shift drink tonight.
TOM: Oh...yeah...about that...
ME: What, Tom? What is it?
TOM: Well, uh, we met with the owners and uh...
ME: Tom, what are you saying? Spit it out, man. What is it?
TOM: We aren't allowed to have shift drinks anymore.
ME: What? Nooooooooooooo! You can't be serious. This is wrong. So wrong. On so many levels.
(I collapse and begin crying and pounding my fists on the floor.)
TOM: You can still have sodas.
ME: Really, Tom? A soda? A soda? I'm supposed to drown my sorrows in a goddamn Sierra Mist? This isn't over, Tom. Not by a long shot. I will have my shift drink again. Even if I have to carry my own goddamn flask in here, I will be drunk at work. (I sob uncontrollably. I shake. I convulse. I throw up. I shart a little bit in my underwear.)
TOM: (after ten minutes) Are you gonna go to table 4 or stay in the fetal position all night?
ME: Oh, I already did. Two jack and cokes, please.





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20 comments:

The Restaurant Manager said...

I love the idea of a flask. I may consider this for my own benefit as well! I figured all restaurants have done away with shift drinks.

Chunky Mama said...

"A happy employee is a drunk one, I always say."

Bahahahahahahaha!!!

Rach said...

hahaha. loved the post...

"A happy employee is a drunk one, I always say."
LOL





Bitchzilla on The loose.

Mother of Style said...

What kind of madness is that! Don't they understand that if they keep the wheels greased, so to speak, that there will be squeaking (aka complaining)?

Mary A. said...

I think you may have an unfair labor practices claim here. If they don't want the liability of the booze, then they should PAY you for the value of the drinks.

If you can't get Unfair Labor -- try ADA. I am pretty sure alcoholism is considered a life-limiting condition.

Be brave.

YOUR KING said...

Your pain and suffering is also your brilliance! Pitch, perfect bro! I love it! Well done you!

-TGK

The Empress said...

You mean you don't actually already bring a flask to work? ...I'm with Mary. If your employer provided you with a benefit and they then took said benefit away, it seems only right that you are compensated for your loss. What a bunch of cheap, evil slave mongers!!

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

Tяainwяeck Tяagedy said...

I will buy you a silver flask and have it engraved BW, just so you can be drunk at work. :]

The Bipolar Diva said...

I love this....but that totally sucks.

Bouncin' Barb said...

You should all bring in your own and still sit and relax at the end of the shift. It's therapeutic.

Anonymous said...

I think that I am falling in love with Mary.

Heather said...

None of my restaurant have ever allowed us to drink alcohol in the building while on shift - my current restaurant is a little extreme, we can't even drink in the building if we come in with friends on our day off. And it's a freakin' sports bar.
We always have a nearby bar we meet at to regain our sanity after shifts =)

Laura Leane said...

Oh honey, oh no, you poor poor poor dear. My heart aches for you. You're such a strong individual... but this is too much! I'm sure you'll be able to talk some sense into these owners.

Maybe instead of a flask, you could get a discrete camelback pack so you can sneak sips during your shift... that'll show 'em.

xo,
Laura

Gabriele Agustini said...

I always love your posts!
(Not necessarily your predicaments.)
And I enjoy the comments left by your peeps, too! :)
Good luck with your sobriety...
or flask.

this free bird said...

As soon as you said it one word came to mind: flask.

I see you are already onto this idea. It really is the only solution. Complete with leather strap around ankle.

Wendy said...

Oh hell, Bitchy!
I am SO sorry!

Shit, it's exactly like there's been a death in your family...
Take your time to mourn, Bitchy. We understand.

=-)

Adam Hawthorne said...

I believe the best course of action would be to embrace your newly imposed work sobriety and preach about AA to the customers. When they ask you how you care you can respond "happy to be SOBER!!" You can work on doing the twelve steps on bar napkins during your slow periods and tell the customers all about the wonderful progress you've made so far. Many of them will probably even be in your twelve steps! Inbetween courses you can whisper to them that you wish to make amends for the times in the past that you may have wronged them by thinking nasty things about them after they asked for extra lemon in their water. In addition you can with-hold alcohol from all of the customers as well, telling them "if I can't have any, then YOU can't have any."
I think after just a few short days you'll come in to work to find a drink waiting for you the second that you've clocked in.

Noelle said...

I know it seems all wrong but couldn't you just buy one?

Bagel Fairy said...

Then you'll just have to have a "soda" with a li'l som'in' som'in'.

Tony Van Helsing said...

I've never worked in a restaurant but waiting looks too hard to do while drunk.