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Friday, February 18, 2011

My Thoughts on the Toilet

Can we talk about restrooms? Specifically, public restrooms? First off, I don't know why we call them "rest" rooms since there is very little rest that happens inside one. Trying to flush a toilet with my foot and then wash my hands and escape without touching the door handle is anything but restful. And I can't tell you how many times I have been "stuck" in one because I refused to touch the doorknob and had to patiently wait until someone else came in and I was able to slip out the door as they opened it. I also really hate when people call it a public "bath" room, because there better not be any fucking bathing go on in there unless it involves a bottle of hand sanitizer and a Baby Wipe.

Anyhoo, while recently eating at Butter here in the city, I took some time to use the facilities, the little boys room, to bleed my lizard, to take a leak, what have you. Once downstairs, I found myself in a long hallway of doors and I was waiting behind another man. At the end of the hall was the gatekeeper who directed us to the appropriate door for our needs. He waved the man before me into a room on the left side and I assumed I would be offered the room on the other side of the hall, you know like the dressing rooms at The Gap. But I was told to follow the man into the same room. "Okay, I guess they aren't individual toilets in each room," I thought as I followed the stranger through the door. Once inside, I looked around to see two urinals side by side with no divider and one sink. What the hell? You put two urinals in one tiny room? We hurried to the urinals and both began to unbutton our pants in order to finish first so we didn't have to wash our hands at the same time too. I don't know about you guys, (There are like three guys who read this blog...) but I like a divider between the urinals. I don't want to feel the splish splash of this dude's urine bouncing off the porcelain and onto me. I also don't want to embarrass the poor guy who has to stand next to me when out of his peripheral vision he can see all my business. I hate making other guys feel inadequate. It's a curse, really. Just as I was finishing off, I noticed that my pee partner was already zipping his pants back up (from shame and inadequacy, no doubt) and I then realized I was going to have to wait in this tiny room while he washed his hands and I waited for my turn. Or so I thought. As it turns out, his penis must have been remarkably clean because he didn't feel the need to wash his fucking hands when he was done. Maybe his penis was impeccably clean, but the he did use his hand to flush the urinal and then that same hand went right to the door handle to let himself out. The same door handle that I would now need to touch. Fucking nasty. I zipped up, flushed and went to the sink. I had the room to myself now and as I was washing my hands for the recommended 45 seconds in warm soapy water, I wondered what I would have done if I needed to go number two. The bathroom gatekeeper didn't ask me "pee or poop?" He just assumed that I needed a urinal. What if I had kids that needed to be dropped off at the pool and I was sent to the double urinal room? Wouldn't it be uncomfortable to have to leave and go ask for a toilet? Imagine, you're in the room with your pissing buddy both staring at the urinal and you're all, "yeah dude, this urinal's not gonna work. I gots to squeeze out some business." Awkward as hell.

I left the restroom and went back to my meal still pondering what I would say to Gatekeeper if I needed to use a toilet. After I ate, I decided to go back down to revisit the toilet scenario. The man ushered me to the same room that I knew had only urinals in it. I grimaced and said to him, "Uh uh." Lowering my voice I said, "I need a toilet." I patted my belly to emphasize that this was a case where a urinal simply would not suffice. Gatekeeper gave me a knowing glance and directed me to another room. A room with a single toilet and a sink all my own. A much better situation even though I didn't need the toilet. I didn't need a urinal even really. I just wanted to him to know that sometimes a man needs a toilet. Maybe he needs to go number two or maybe he just wants to sit down and relax. I'm a real man, but I can admit that sometimes, my ass is just too lazy to stand up to pee. I hung out in my private room for a few minutes. I peed a tiny bit and flushed the toilet two times to give the illusion of really needing to be in there. I washed my hands and dried them with a paper towel that I kept wrapped around my hand to open the door. I held the door open with my foot and then tossed the paper towel into the trash can and left with an empty bladder and clean hands. And an also impeccably clean penis.




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20 comments:

MarketsNYC said...

I saw an episode of Maury Povich where they put a hidden camera in the studio's men's room. Then they zeroed in on a guy in the audience who was there with his girlfriend. THEN they showed the video clip of him NOT washing his hands but rather running them across his hair. Grossgrossgrosss. The girlfriend got visibly squirmy. It wasn't the nicest thing to do, but hopefully that guy will be washing his hands from now on.

Tony Van Helsing said...

I don't understand the concept of a toilet attendant. We don't have them in the UK as it is assumed that people do not need someone to point out where they need to do their business.

Practical Parsimony said...

I have seen some toilets so incredibly filthy that I really thought my hands were cleaner than anything, everything, I would touch. AND, there was no paper towel with which to escape. When there is no paper towel, no tp, and no soap, why would I touch a faucet after I had rinsed/washed my hands? (I am definitely a hand-washer-in-the-bathroom) I made sure nothing about me except the soles of my shoes touched anything. I can always find a scrap of something from my purse for door-opening. These gross bathrooms are few ad far between, granted, but at those moments, hand-washing is highly overrated.

Practical Parsimony said...

By toilet, I did not mean the commode. I mean the facility--everything in the room, stall, and sinks.

MsW8ing said...

My dear BW, I have been a server, a host, sold retail, been in restaurant management and now I am a trucker's wife. I will tell you, I have seen & had to use facilities all over this nation of ours and baby, it ain't nothing pretty! People for the most part are NASTY! I can only tell you from a woman's perspective, I travel with hand sanitizer (lots) as well as industrial size baby wipes & a small can of disinfectant spray (yes I am a self confessed germophobe). Truck stops are for the most part passable (there are a few that are just beyond disgusting) it seems state or county controlled rest area restrooms are cleanest, in my opinion. I have been known to have travelers constipation and whilst waiting for the inevitable release of nature, I have personally witnessed many times over, women come into a restroom, go #1 or #2 and NOT wash their hands and from my little sanitized stall yelled, "HEY aren't you forgetting something?" It usually goes unnoticed, anyway sorry for the long winded babble. If I can, for any reason NOT have to use a public restroom I try to avoid to at all costs.
Love your blog, makes me smile!

The Empress said...

Whomever designed that bizarre bathroom situation you described certainly is daft. How weird to be forced into a small room where you have to piss so close to another person. And that anyone would have to go back to a bathroom attendant and explain that they need a proper toilet is certainly awkward. One can only imagine what kind of crazy set up they had for the women's 'rest room'. Perhaps ladies are expected to wash their hands in the toilet or change their tampons in front of an audience ; )

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com/

Al Penwasser said...

I suppose "bath"room is better sounding than "shit"house. But, I'm with you.
A urinal divider is ESSENTIAL for all the reasons you say. Another reason: what if I get a bashful bladder with some dude next to me? Without a divider, I can't pretend to shake before zipping up and zipping off so I can come back to finish my business.
Of course, a Gatekeeper would render my plan on skulking back into the "Rest"room ineffective. No sneaking past him.
Speaking of...what kind a sucky career choice would you have to make to even BE a toilet Gatekeeper?
OK, I'm done. Gotta pee.

Anonymous said...

lawl penis!

Mary A. said...

At the risk of being blatently self-promoting, i wrote a woman's perspective on a similar issue a few months ago. feel free to check it out:

http://www.giftoffat.com/2010/09/she-broke-rule.html

Lova ya!

Gabriele Agustini said...

Only you could write about this subject and make it hysterical!! That's why I love ya, BW!! You're nuts!! :)

imajeepguy said...

Well said, BW. My personal favorite though, is the time I was at a rest stop along the highway. A trucker came in, took a leak and went directly to the automatic hand dryer, dried his hands and left. I was so disgusted I had to wash my own hands three times with scalding hot water. Keep up the great posts. And consider following my blog. I could use the cache of a blog celebrity like yourself supporting me. Thanks.

Cori said...

When you mentioned about waiting until someone else opened the door, you reminded me of a scene in "The Aviator".

One of the things I do regarding a public restroom is I always bring hand sanitizer in case there are no paper towels (or soap) and if it is a round doorknob (and I am not wearing a coat that's main use is as a shield).

Anonymous said...

dont hurl brickbats at me! i dont wash my hands after pissing. I dont think my penis is dirty. Lots of guys suck on my dick and they dont think its dirty too.
After a no 2 maybe and thats only if the tp gets too messsy.

The Jaded Waiter said...

Honestly, with all the things we touch and deal with all of the time in public places I think it makes more sense for a man to wash his hands before he takes a leak!

Wendy said...

And, bonus?
You left the Gatekeeper thinking, "Man, his shit really DOESN'T stink!"
=-)

Adventure Spot said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adventure Spot said...

Sorry I misspelled something and I didn't want to look like an idiot. As I already stated I would of died if I were in that Urinal. I can't believe people aren't more aware of all the germs they come into contact with. I mean we touch everything and our grubby hands are the key to spreading germs to other people. It's disgusting, though I am not some Germ-a-phobe I just get a little freaked out a bit about it.

weare138 said...

What'd you get at Butter?!?! also whoa my captcha says 'horing'.

TwisterB said...

"washroom" is the way to go, as it implies there will be a wash basin (sink) not a bath (bathroom). I live in Scotland, where they call a washroom "toilets"...which I would use in a casual restaurant ("are the toilets this way?") but never at a home ("where is your toilet?" because it sounds crass). In someone's home, I would say Loo, or Bathroom, since none of my friends are wealthy enough to have a bathroom AND a washroom (powder room) in their homes.

But washroom is the way to go. Also good call on the no-door opening policy. Paper towels or outward swinging doors are so under rated for that reason.

Al Penwasser said...

@TwisterB: "Washroom is the way to go." Perfect (if accidental...?) choice of words!!