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Sunday, February 27, 2011

One Stinky Lady at Table 3

In keeping with my pledge to refer to certain customers as characters from 1970's and 1980's television shows, I would like to discuss one "Mary Ann" who comes in on a regular basis. I refer to her as Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island, not because she is cute and perky and from Kansas and has a subtle beauty that makes men want her more than that whore of movie Star, Ginger Grant. I call her Mary Ann because she smells like what I imagine Mary Ann to smell like after three years on an island without a shower or soap. Or maybe she smells like one of her coconut cream pies that have sat in the sun for too long and it went bad so she tried to make it smell better by farting on it and that didn't work so she threw some monkey poop on it and that didn't work so she just gave up and went to my station and sat at table three.

I don't know why this woman smells so bad. The first time I got a whiff of her, I wasn't sure what the smell was. Perhaps some errant rat that had eaten poison and died under a booth or a homeless man who had taken a nap in the lighting booth. After several passes of the table, I narrowed down the odor to this regular. It's like a mixture of body odor, skunk and frustration. When I leaned over to ask her what she would like for her second drink, I was punched in the face by her breath. You know what a piece of dental floss smells like after a good tough round of flossing out roast beef and broccoli? That dental floss smells like a a Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds compared to the stench that comes out of her mouth. I swear to God, it smells so bad that flies even avoid it. Imagine a fly sitting on a pile of dog shit on 6th Avenue:

Boy this dog poo sure does smell bad, but I don't mind. I'm a fly. I love poo, garbage and germs. The stinkier the better, bring it on. I'm a fly, ain't nuthin' gonna breaka my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin'... (the fly flies away and gets into the airstream of Mary Ann's breath) Oh, my God, what the hell is that stench? This is awful, I can't take it. (The fly pulls out a tiny revolver from his tiny coat pocket and blows his tiny brains out.)

When I see Mary Ann come in, I immediately start sending out vibes that she sits anywhere except my station. Since there are only two of us at work, I have a 50/50 chance of breathing in her funk. When she sits elsewhere, it's like winning the lottery. Except I don't win a million dollars, I just win the right to breathe. And in my book, that's worth a good chunk of coconut cream pie.



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13 comments:

Practical Parsimony said...

This is just mouth stink? Maybe she needs a visit to a periodontist. Rotting gums are just the worst! Actually, I never try to smell anything on my dental floss. I will next time.

ChiTown Girl said...

There's a part of me that wants to be serious and sympathetic, much like Practical here, and say, 'maybe she suffers from periodontal disease.' But, the bitch in me wants to say, 'keep your stank mouth to yourself, Stinky McStinkerson!!' Ewwww!

blogger sam said...

casually drop her a mint with a bill or something, it might drop of a big hint

Noelle said...

Extra mints with the check. of course if she likes them she will always sit with you and never get the hint. seems smelly people don't smell. scented candles, extra mints you're doomed.

Headbanging Hostess said...

I had a guy once in my section who had TERRIBLE B.O. I thought he must have had a mold growing over his entire body. Trying to drop food on the table was much like doing the limbo. His wife and kids weren't stinky at all, I wondered how she lived with him.

What if you hung one of those Magic Tree car fresheners on her wine glass and told her it was a charm?

Anthony Kimber said...

YOu need a strong stomach, eh Bitchy. Too bad a female server, or female manager can't enlighten "Mary Ann" to her stench....Soldier on, brave warrior!

Mary A. said...

Start sitting those guys who wear too much cologne right next to her. Maybe that will get her to go somewhere else.

Maybe instead of mints, you could leave a vagisil wipe on the tray.

Melelina said...

Haha sorry about the funk. I have this crazy homeless lady in the town I live her hair is neon pink(no joke) and it always happens that I will be sitting at the bus stop and she will come and sit next to me (the bench fits 3 medium size people so she is pretty much 4 inches away from me) she smells like shes been rolling around in a dumpster behind a restaurant that has been rotting for weeks. So when she sits next to me I usually have to wait a minute(or as long as I can without throwing up) to stand up and make like I have the urge to smoke a cig

Ryan said...

He called the shit poop

Bagel Fairy said...

Only you would make a reference to a perfume by Elizabeth Taylor.

dirtydisher said...

"tried to make it smell better by farting on it" LMFAO!

Tony Van Helsing said...

Where I come from White Diamond is cheap cider that comes in two litre plastic bottles and is drunk by vagrants. I can't imagine Elizabeth Taylor knocking this stuff out.

Pancake Grrrl said...

We have a disgusting stinky regular with open sores all over her arms. One time, her husband pulled off his socks and clipped his toenails in the dining room. I would have either stopped him or killed him, but I didn't know until I discovered him putting his socks back on.