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Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Comeback (To Work)

I have been released from the hounds of fury who hath come upon me and swaddled me in their sickness and filth. After three days of a stomach virus the clouds have broken allowing the rays of healthy sunshine to fall down on me. And if I have to look at another goddamn fucking Saltine cracker I will go insane. I was sick, but now I'm well. The best part of being couch-ridden was that I finished watching The Comeback which is a brilliant piece of television. If you don't know what it is, please educate yourself and love it as I do. And when Lisa Kudrow threw up while dressed as a cupcake, it took me right back to three days ago when I too was throwing up. Except I wasn't dressed as a cupcake. I was dressed as a bowl of banana pudding. Don't ask.

Anyhoo, I am going back to work tonight and I feel at about 85%. It ain't no fun to be at work when you don't feel good which is ironic really since it ain't no fun to be at work when you do feel good. Sad, that. But I will be there tonight. And when someone orders a white chocolate martini, I will pretend that it does not remind me of what I was blowing out of my nose yesterday. And when I serve a bowl of spinach and artichoke dip, I will ignore the smell that makes me queasy just thinking about it now. Seriously, since being sick, my sense of smell is on hyper-drive. I almost had to throw away some white lilies that were brightening up my kitchen because the smell was so nauseatingly sweet. Never fear horticulturists; I simply moved them onto the piano in the drawing room next to the solarium so my olfactory glands could take a chill pill. The most difficult thing about being a waiter when sick is that there is always the fear that a snot drop will be released from your nose at any time.

"Hello, hello, hello! Can I get you anything to drink (sniff) tonight? Pay no mind to the mucus slowly descending onto my upper lip. You see, I had a little touch of the stomach flu or a cold thingy and I'm just getting over it. But I feel better today, I really do." And then as soon as I get to the sidestand, I blow my nose on a bev nap but who really has time to wash your hands after every single time you blow your nose? It's annoying. The nose drip, I mean, not the had-washing. Or lack thereof. Whatever.

Work will be interesting tonight. And sad because I will probably fore go my shift drink which should really say something as to how sick I was. If a vodka martini does not sound appealing then you know my body is all fucked up and shit. But I will be there with a smile plastered on my gaunt face. My pants will be loose because of the weight that as fallen off of me over the last couple of days. How will my apron even stay on? My arms will barely have the strength to hold the tray of cocktails because my body is lacking sustenance. Two days of crackers and Sprite does not a strong body make. But for the sake of my customers (and my empty wallet) I will be there. Ready to serve. I am waiter, hear me whine.




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13 comments:

The Simple Dude said...

I wish it were possible to call in "sick in the head" although I'd probably never work a single day in my twisted life.

SD
TheSimpleDude.com

sam said...

If any mucus does decide to run from your nose, then go with the cheeky swipe of the backhand or something

Kara Hoag said...

Serving with the sniffles. Been there. You could always go for the whole 'allergies' excuse.

Feel better.

visions unto myself

Maryam said...

Aw. Get well soon :)

Phoenix said...

I swear your nose never runs until you're out in front of a table. Back in the kitchen... not a hint of any kind of snot. But as soon as you're standing in front of a customer it's like someone turned on a faucet in your nostril.

Krissy said...

That's happend to me before! I was greeting my table for a drink order and out of nowhere my nose started running. I sniffled trying to keep it in there but the snot wouldn't stay. I was trying to be slick by not letting them see me wipe my nose because I didn't wanna gross my table out. But they deffinately seen my nose running. Nasty moment.

Anthony Kimber said...

Thanks for the whiny, complaining, kvetching rant about your 3 day ordeal, Bitchy. The fact you can make it humorous, is why I keep coming back to read about it...Hope you're feeling 100% soon, cheers, Anthony.

dirtydisher said...

I think you lost me when I read "piano in the drawing room next to the solarium". My sympathy meter went to 0. Sorry.

The Restaurant Manager said...

Hope you had a great shift! I know it's not easy working sick!

Noelle said...

Way to go Bitchy get back to work at 85%. Hope someone said thanks and hope you don't relapse can happen when your not fully recovered.
Lovers night. Happy VDay!
This was a first for me tonight. Server says. "She doesn't know he's gay at table x."
So I go take a gander. This couple is holding hands ALL through dinner not even pausing long enough to cut their own steak. It's a team effort on each others plates never letting go of each others. Gay?
These folks were folks too like over 40 first love late in life? Not for me to judge carry on eat spend well and get the fuck up cause there are 40 more couples who can't wait to dine together. AND TODAY IS ONLY THE TWELFTH. this drags on for two more days xoxoxoxox luvs!

Mary said...

Duh, dirtydisher, I think our fave waiter was totally kidding when he mentioned the drawing room and the solarium. If he is NOT kidding, I'll find out where he is working and fill out an application!

Jeff said...

Why did`nt you take a soak in the hot tub next to your indoor pool?

Noelle said...

I loved "the comeback". Real funny I should look for that again.