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Thursday, October 7, 2010

An Apple A Day Soaked in Vodka...

As I contemplate the idea of going to graduate school I worry about how being a student with a long term goal will greatly affect my daily alcohol intake. Yes, I am moments away from getting on the 1 train and taking my ass to a institute of higher learning to discuss my future. Can't you just see me as a teacher? I care about children so much that I want to take their brains and mold them into what I think they should be. I want to contribute to the future of our country. I want to be someones favorite teacher. I want my summers off. But at what cost?

Last night at work, my manager was creating and testing some new cocktails for the fall menu. Since I am a team player, I volunteered to taste each one and give it the thumbs up or thumbs down. You probably already know that I gave none of them the thumbs down. How can you thumbs down something that has vodka in it? It's just not possible. He made a delicious caramel apple martini that had Apple Pucker and Caramel vodka in it with a splash of vanilla liqueur. His plan is to garnish that bitch with a caramel square. Was it good? Hells to the yes it was good. I tasted it many times just to make sure that it was fit for consumption and it passed my (not very high at all) standards. As I continued working with a slight buzz from that cocktail and the other martini he had made with vodka and Elderflower and splash of cranberry, I thought about how lucky I am that I work somewhere that lets me imbibe on occasion. Will it be that way when I am a teacher at some high school? I imagine no. I could be wrong though. My government teacher Miss McCoy always seemed like she was talking while trying to hold in a burp, so maybe that thermos was full of coffee spiked with Kahlua. (And on a side note: I am sorry Miss McCoy that I pretended to be so dumb in your class. I really did know that the State of the Union address was not about a particular state but instead about the overall condition of our country. I was just doing that to make my friends laugh. But it was pretty funny when I said that, right? Are you even alive, Miss McCoy?)

Do kids still bring their teachers apples to class? And if so, would it be appropriate for me to request apple infused vodka instead? And is it looked down upon for a teacher to bring a shaker of margaritas to the cafeteria on Taco Tuesday? And if I am hungover one day and my first class is at 7:30 AM, is it alright to call in sick for that homeroom and then show up to work at 10:30 instead? Or is it better to just go to work and have the class take a quiet time where we turn off the lights and lay our heads down on our desks? These are all the questions that I hope to have answered by the advisor at the college today. Look out, kids. Mr. Bitchy Waiter could be in a classroom near you. And if you want an easy A, just slide me a gift card to Charlie's Discount Liquor Depot and you're golden. Just like a Golden Delicious apple that I will slice up later to garnish my next apple martini.


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16 comments:

J9 said...

I can attest that I had a teacer in HS that was indeed high almost all of the time - people would volunteer to wash her car for extra credit, and to score the roaches she had laying about. Another teacher - same school, had/has a NO2 bottle in his living room. Both are still teaching at that same school, and we were really no worse off...

Simple Dude said...

May not have been the right or smart thing to do, but I remember in HS sneaking a cocktail during lunch once or twice. Ok, it was a flask of pepp schnapps that we took a couple pulls off... but it made HS a little more interesting.

Why shouldn't teachers have the same ability? :)

SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

Mary A. said...

Teacher?

Teacher.

Please tell me you are going to school for anything BUT a teacher.

Don't like kids in your station? You won't like spending 8 hours with them any better.

Accounting. Engineering. Marketing. Plumbing,electrician, welding ANYTHING but teaching.

Mark W said...

I think I remember hearing Mrs McCoy had died.

So I dug right down tot he bottom of my soul and cried...

Instead of apple infused vodka, how about vodka infused apples? A syringe full of vodka (or a few of them) shot into an apple? You'd be able to partake anywhere, everywhere, anytime, all the time and no one would ever be the wiser!

Levonne said...

Whatever you do, just keep writing! Here's a toast to you Bitchy Waiter!

Levonne said...

Whatever you do, just keep writing! Here's a toast to you Bitchy Waiter!

FemgineerFatale said...

Hey BW. Don't listen to Mary A. The most entertaining teachers at HS are the ones who detest kids. And they seem to enjoy inflicting torture on their students as much as students enjoy their eccentricities.

What would you teach though? Or is this just a passing thought?

Practical Parsimony said...

I don't think having kids in your station and hating them would hurt affect your teaching ability. After all, it is the parents who are making you miserable by inflicting their entitled children on the world.

"In locus parentis" is a term used in education that means you are in charge instead of the parent. You stand in place of the parent. As long as you are not inflicting physical pain or too much mental anguish and control them for the sake of education, your sanity, and the fellow students, you are in control.

Teachers who are funny can get students to behave. You can teach and not hate the children where they are actually aware of your feelings...lol. I have taught students I cannot stand.If you really want students to be successful in life, you will do the right thing.

Ignore Mary A. Your station is not yours. Your classroom is yours.

Phoenix said...

I never brought my teacher an apple... but I was homeschooled so that kind of put a damper on it. It wouldn't have been considered much effort if I'd walked with it from the kitchen to the school room.

Also why apples? Is it a sign your teacher is looking constipated? Maybe a little extra fiber to help 'things' out hmmm?

ChiTown Girl said...

I would be the first to welcome you to the club!!! However, I'm the original Bitchy Teacher, so you'll have to come up with another name. ;-)

dirtydisher said...

Trust me, the only thing a teaching degree is good for is throwing in you customer's faces that you are smarter than them.

Mama Sky said...

My fav teachers in highschool were the ones who usually were hungover and they loved me when I brought in those little chocolate candys shaped like alcohol bottles filled with alcohol, sharing them with them and my friends. Even the principal was cool. He partied with my mom and I often attended those wild parties and found it slightly odd doing shots with my principal sitting next to me smoking a joint.

The Ranter's Box said...

You'd make a great teacher! Kids would love your class and might actually learn something.

That caramel apple martini sounds absolutely divine! When can I stop by for drinks?

http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

Sharlene T. said...

In a word -- NO... You are very needed for mixing those new drinks, in case I decide to stop by... Of course, if you do go into teaching, you wouldn't have to worry about regularity with all those apples being brought in... take care and come visit when you can...

leia said...

CARAMEL APPLE!?!?! SOUNDS DELICIOUS!!! i'm gonna experiment <3

***ladyvader99.blogspot.com***

laura jane said...

Dear Mister Bitchy,

I would love you as a Teacher. I'd learn stuff....Ummm...yea

Grad program? Bring your Bitchiness here!!