Here is a brief list of all things I wanted to say to Table 32 a few days ago:
- Do you really need to be reseated that many times in order to find the perfect seat?
- It's tacky to tip the host and then still complain about where you're sat.
- The drink has Blue Curacao in it, so yes it is actually going to be blue.
- The Real Housewives of New Jersey asked me to tell you to give them their accent back.
- That blouse looks like it came from the $5 and under bin at Chico's.
- Black is not slimming.
- You have on way too many sequins. The only person wearing that many sequins should be on an episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" or be named Liza Minnelli.
- You don't need to call me over to hand me an empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
- I see that your reservation was for two but you are alone now. You don't have to tell me that you decided to take yourself out tonight. It's obvious that your husband bailed on you and is at home relishing the two hours of solitude and trying to recall what it's like to not have his ears bleed from the sound of your voice.
- Your hair is scaring me. And scarring me. For life. Frosted is not pretty.
- You don't need to call me over to hand me another empty glass. I will get it when I have a free hand.
- Do you really need more napkins or are you just trying to think of something to ask for every time I walk by you?
- Seriously bitch, stop calling me over to take empty shit from your fucking table.
- Using the phrase "it's a delight" does not make you sophisticated. It makes me think you heard it on that episode of "The Three Stooges" when they were plumbers at that fancy party and that one snobby rich lady said it.
- Using the phrase "it's a delight" more than six or seven times makes me think you are supremely dumb and a trifle desperate.
- Yes, I can get you an order of hummus and chips.
- Yes, I can get you more chips.
- I see you waving me down again. Let me guess. Your plate is empty and you want me to take it. Stop it.
- The people next to you are sick of hearing you talk. They don't know you and don't want to be your friend.
- Yes, I will get your check for you. You don't have to ask me for that. It's on my list of things to give to you along with a dirty look and a fist up your puss.
- Yes, we take American Express. Your American Express card does not impress me. It's a green one.
- You looked stupid when you took a picture of the performer after her show and told her she was "a delight." Enough with that phrase already.
- I hate you. You annoy me. Don't come back.
- Can I take your order?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Good bye.
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