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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Butter(fly) Face

A few days ago, I saw the beginnings of what I thought was going to be a huge ass zit right on the tip of my nose. It seemed like it was primed to be one of those Mount Vesuvius bitches that could open up and swallow half my face. Or at the very least it would make me look like Rudolph the Red Nosed fucking reindeer. I Sea Breezed, Clearsiled, buffed and sanded that bitch off before it became a problem but it was not making me happy. I hate working when I have a pimple obstructing my view. I feel like customers are just staring at it the whole time they are telling me how they want their burger cooked. But sometimes we must go to work even when we feel we don't look our best.

Many years ago I took a one day job working for the zoo. (Honestly, I need to write a book about how many damn jobs I have had.) It was some stupid ass promotion announcing they had a new seal or baby tiger or something, I dunno. I had to go to Chelsea Piers early in the morning to find out what I had to do. Thankfully, I was doing this my friend Shane so I didn't feel completely lame, but it was pretty lame nonetheless. I was told I would be dressed as a butterfly that day and was supposed to walk around and interact with kids. (And believe it or not, that is not the only time I have played a butterfly. At the United States premiere of Teletubbies, I had to dress as a butterfly for four hours at Roseland ballroom. I need to put that shit under my special skills on my resume.) They handed me some bullshit wings that they must have gotten out of the leftover dollar bin at Party City and made me put on some pastel colored sweat pants. If I had known this was what I would be doing, I would have made a point to have Bloody Mary's first. Then they said they would paint my face. Great. Fine. Whatever. I just wanted the hundred bucks at the end of the five hours. On my forehead, they painted these white swirly things that were supposed to be antennas. They used some gloopy gloppy thick ass makeup and sent me on my way. Shane and I frolicked around like damn fools all day just waiting until we could get our hundred dollar bills and go home.

The next day, I woke up to see that my face was completely sunburned from being in the sun all day without any sunscreen. I was like lobster red. Except for where they had painted the antennas. That was perfectly pale. I had effectively sunburned a swirly design all across my forehead. I called Shane.

BW: Hello, Shane? It's me.
Shane: Oh my God! Do you have a sunburn on your fucking head from that damn make up yesterday like I do?
BW: I do.
Shane: Goddammit!

I went to work and had to watch every single table look at my face and try to figure out what the hell was going on up there. And it wasn't just that one day. That damn sunburn lasted a week, so I had about four or five shifts of constantly explaining that I was not in some cult. I was just stupid. One lady, said, "Why do you always have something on your face?" I didn't understand. "Aren't you the same guy who had that big scratch across your face a few weeks ago?" Oh yeah. I forgot. I had been wrestling with my ten week old puppy when I let my face get too close to his razor sharp puppy teeth. He gnashed me across the face leaving a three inch scrape across my cheek that required a tetanus shot. That was on my face for about two weeks. So, yes. I am that waiter who always has something on his face. Makes the Mount Vesuvius zit seem like molehill.

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Simple Dude said...

As someone who is pale enough to get sunburned under a bright light bulb I can sympathize.

But fortunately for me I have not had any bizarre patterns burned into my face like some kind of Cirque Du Soleil groupie. yikes!


The Ranter said...

In the "ads by Google" area on the side of your blog, the #1 ad is "ProActive for Pimples."

Mary A. said...

Just act like it's the trendy new skin art. Tats? Scarring? Piercing? So last year. This is called burning, and all the cool salons are doing it.

Practical Parsimony said...

Thanks for the biggest laugh I have had all week! Actually, this was a fad awhile back. I think people used zinc oxide to write on their backs. Then, they had a pale name or whatever when they washed the zinc oxide off. Of course, it was not on their faces. And the idea was to have a tan not a burn.

Don't waste your money on zit remedies. I take a small Tupperware container (about 2"across) and crush aspiring with the handle of a knife. Then, wet just the red place, wet one fingertip. Put the damp fingertip in the aspiring powder and put the powder on the dampeded red place. You will walk around your house with this on and not go in public.

Well, I did meet my friend after lunch one day. After two hours in public, I realized I still had white powder on my chin! So, why didn't she tell me? She thought I had lunch on my chin. Well, I don't want anything on my chin, even if it is an accident.

Crushed aspirin works better than commercial stuff.

Practical Parsimony said...


female, I shit you not! said...

THX readers/followers for the aspirin tip.
Hope I have my marbles when my great grandkids reach puberty.

gaijinwife said...

I did that on purpose once when I was young and had the hots for some guy. I did it the other way round though and only wrote is initials with suncream. And you thought you were lame.

Aspirin - interesting. Might have to try.

SharleneT said...

Great aspirin information... will definitely tell my grandkids... at least, your diners don't forget you...

The Ranter's Box said...

Yes, I imagine the butterfly antenae were difficult to explain but funny all the same. The volcanic zits however, not so much.

Here is to a happy & zit-free week!
Hugs, The Empress

Guy said...

I went to one of the old-fashioned stand up tanning booths back in the 1980s wearing only a jockstrap and burned two perfectly shaped flaming pink triangles on my ass.

Guy said...

I should have prefaced my comment with "Speaking of weird sunburn patterns ..." It doesn't sound quite so off the wall then.

FemgineerFatale said...

That's freaking hillarious! By the way, I've heard toothpaste dries out zits and makes them shrivel sooner.

Maria said...

OMG, that story made me laugh out loud! (Which makes it difficult to pretend I am doing actual work. But it was worth it.)